An entire team of gentlemen looking for a new employer

The transfer window is now wide open, and there are countless players itching to increase their fortunes by kissing the crest of a new club. Here’s eleven of the greediest best…

Scott Carson
Liverpool are so fed up with Carson that they would rather bring in a shiny new reserve keeper like Antti Niemi. Aston Villa chucked him too, so Scott is simply begging for someone to pick him up.

Potential suitors: Middlesbrough, West Brom

Nicky Shorey
This time last year, Shorey was strutting his stuff in the England squad and was supposedly the apple of West Ham’s eye. He stayed aboard the Good Ship Reading and watched it capsize in May, and now wants another taste of the Premier League.

Potential suitors: West Ham, Portsmouth, Aston Villa, Newcastle

Anton Ferdinand
The younger Ferdinand has gone from being charged with assault to becoming one of the most sought-after defenders in the Premier League. It’s hard to see Joey Barton’s transformation going that smoothly.

Potential suitors: Tottenham, Aston Villa, Newcastle

Richard Dunne
They don’t bother voting for Man City’s player of the year any more because this guy wins all the time. Dunne was upset with Sven’s sacking and eager to leave, though rumours suggest Mark Hughes may have talked him round.

Potential suitors: Portsmouth, Tottenham, West Ham, Aston Villa, Newcastle

Pascal Chimbonda
Juande Ramos employed subtle techniques to let the Frenchman know he isn’t wanted, like signing two new players in his position months after taking over. But if you cast aside his idiotic tendencies, Chimbonda is a talented

King Kev must discover what defenders are used for

After considering how the London clubs, newbie Prem sides,and Manchester and Mersey teams should invest their vast fortunes in the closed season, we now turn our attention to the north east…

Newcastle

Top priority:
Invest in the defence - You can pretty much guarantee this is at the top of Newcastle’s list every summer, but whoever they bring in seems to flop. In Michael Owen, Obafemi Martins and Mark Viduka they have a well-balanced strike trio, although they could use someone new to provide backup alongside Andy Carroll. The midfield may require one or two new faces should Emre, Barton or Milner leave.

Fitting the bill: Anton Ferdinand, Mikael Silvestre (if Barton leaves), Steve Finnan

Sunderland

Top priority:
A new transfer strategy - Sunderland’s last two Premier League seasons saw them relegated with record low points totals (now broken by Derby) and it took over £40 million of spending to finish in 15th this time round. Last season Sunderland spoke loudly about their big budget, which led to them paying over the odds for average players like Michael Chopra, Kieran Richardson and Andy Reid. A bit more tact this summer may see them continue to strength but without being taken to the cleaners, though rumours of a £5 million bid for James Beattie don’t offer much hope.

Fitting the bill: Michael Dawson, Stephen Hunt, Pedro Mendes, Carlton Cole

Middlesbrough

Top priority:
A replacement for Mark Schwarzer - Gareth Southgate’s side aren’t expected to spend as heavily as their neighbours, but they did surprise everyone by bringing in Afonso Alves in January, so they may catch others off guard again. Southgate has admitted he isn’t looking to change things too drastically due to his faith in the squad.

Fitting the bill: Carlo Cudicini, Scott Carson, Tomasz Kuszczak

His name is Rio etc…

We’ve already been treated to the Ferdinand brothers in their going-out holiday clothes - Rio, in particular, was experimenting with see-through materials. But now, here they are teaching the average gent how to enjoy some quality Tel Aviv beach time during the day. See how Rio casually takes his cocktail into the sea with him? That’s the sign of a very confident swimmer. Or someone who’s drunk.

Just when you thought it was safe to go into Israel

Women of Tel Aviv, is this the face of your 2008 holiday romance? Or might you get particularly drunk and make a big big mistake?

All of today’s transfer rumours in one tasty package

With the economy in tatters, it now seems that a football team can buy three Frank Lampards for the cost of a Darren Bent. According to The Sun, Inter will bid a measly £6.6m for the Chelsea star, despite the fact that he cost them £11m back in 2001 when everyone thought he was a bit average. Come on, Internazionale, Abramovich has more money than that sitting between his couch cushions.

Cristiano Ronaldo to Real Madrid
Fantastic news: now Portugal are out of Euro 2008, so petulant w(h)inger Ronaldo can start toying with the emotions of the fans who worship him again. We didn’t even get to see him cry first - how unfair!

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: He will announce his intentions this weekend, apparently, but it all depends on whether United let him fulfil his dream of making obscene amounts of money

Jan Koller to Birmingham
Yes, you read that right. One of the most prolific strikers in international football has heard all about the physicality of the Coca Cola Championship and is eager to get himself a piece of the action.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Not even Baros would go to Birmingham right now

Andrei Arshavin or Obafemi Martins to Arsenal
It looks like Arsene Wenger is getting uncomfortable

Farfán and Eto’o snub North Londoners

Spurs could be starting the season with an inferiority complex, as Peruvian Jefferson Farfán has become the latest player to shun a move to White Hart Lane. The striker confirmed that he received an offer from Tottenham, but yesterday chose to leave PSV for Schalke instead.

This news comes on top of a recent failure to lure Ronaldinho (and let’s be honest, Spurs fans should hope it stays that way) and Samuel Eto’o’s comments dismissing the club: “Tottenham, and I hope the English fans will forgive me, are a club in mid-table and I need more,” the Barcelona man told CRTV.

The rumour vine tells us that Anton Ferdinand is having a medical at Spurs today - but will he sign on the dotted line or continue the Ramos snubbing?

UPDATE: Arsenal’s new signing Carlos Vela is now getting involved in the art of Spurs fan goading. On the arrival of fellow countryman Giovani Dos Santos at White hart Lane, he said:

“I hope things go well for him at Tottenham, that he gets the minutes he wasn’t given at Barcelona and that he shows what he can do.

“He is a very good player and let’s hope he can then move on to a better team.”

Have at it, folks.

And so the football season comes to a dramatic halt, with very dodgy happenings over in Boro - something stinks, and for once it isn’t Jermain Defoe’s finger. Either way, with the top and bottom sorted, the players thought it necessary to go out on the razzle-dazzle. Fashionable Movida was the place to be.

Of course, as expected, Jermain Defoe was his usual slippery self, persuading a cheerful brunette that she should just get in the car and return with him to his dreamy bachelor pad - there, he would no doubt pop on some light Jazz music, spark up a joss-stick, then make some seriously oily love to her until the sun rose, or his alarm clock went off (whichever came first). Lots of that is assumption, but probably happened.

When Kevin Keegan isn’t smearing his grubby hands all over their faces, football’s finest businessmen are busy shouting into mobile phones, downing shots of hot coffee, and hanging around in steam rooms persuading footballers to join their club. Just this morning, a bunch of fatties were spotted listening to harp music in big white towels talking about these transactions:

Anton Ferdinand to Tottenham
You have to admire Ramos’ strategy, after all, if he buys every single defender in the Premier League, other teams will have to field children at the back. In the long term, it’s a work of utter genius - have you seen kids play football? They can’t tackle, they’re rubbish.

Steve Sidwell to Everton
Having roared like an inferno with the Chelsea Reserves, it looks like Sidwell might yet pursue a career playing actual competitive football - this time trading Ballack, Lamps and JT, for the second best Neville brother (or seventh if you count 70s Soul group The Neville Brothers), Cahill and Lescott.

Lassana Diarra to Tottenham
Silly us, no one realised that Diarra isn’t looking for a career in football, he’s traveling. And now he’s ready to use his round-the-world ticket on a flight to North London - no doubt wearing some hippy beads and a tattoo that he got done during a crazy full moon party on one of Portsmouth many sandy beaches. Don’t forget your didgeridoo Lassana!

We’ve all experimented with new walks - the deliberate limp, the Travolta strut, the hilarious mince - and there’s nothing wrong with that. Unless, of course, you try them out in public places where people can actually see you.

After partying with some cool guys (Method Man, Duncan James from Blue) at London’s disturbingly fashionable Volstead Club, Anton Ferdinand made a big mistake. He chose to showcase his new walk - the duck and roll - in front of some guffawing paparazzi.

Hey Anton, we can see you!

Which player clearly took the late Ike Turner’s comment “You never had five or six women at once? Life’s passin’ you by” to heart, brought a whole new meaning to “five-a-side”, and confirmed that the threesome is now so old-fashioned it’s not even worth getting into bed for? A warm hand, please, for West Ham’s Anton Ferdinand!

Did you orgy with Anton over Christmas? Is five the right number? Leave us a comment below.