Let’s hope Mr Beckham is taking notes…

We’ll leave it to the girls over at Kickette to explain this one…

Feigning blindness didn’t get him an easy ride…

Diego Maradona’s post-World Cup qualification uber-cussing (”you lot suck my d**k” or “you lot take it up the a**e”, depending on what side of the equator you reside on), has earned him a two month ban and a fine of almost £14,815.

Directed at journalists who he claimed “treated [him] like garbage”, the outburst came at the end of a qualifying campaign fraught with personal attacks sent back and forth between the tubby manager and the Argentinean media.

Gone by 2011, having pretty much clocked the game of football

Carlos Tevez has always struck The Spoiler as a simple man with simple needs. Give him a football, bessie mates “Pat & Ji”, and his choice of knitted headscarf (black or white), and he’s happy. Professional football and all of its trappings, we imagine, he could take or leave. So it comes as no major surprise that, at the age of 25, the Argentinean forward has admitted considering retirement.

Speaking before Argentina’s 2-1 defeat in Spain on Saturday, Tev revealed losing his place in the national side to Gonzalo Higuain and the pressures of juggling both international and domestic football caused him to reevaluate his career:

It’s complicated, there’s my family, the desire to return to Boca Juniors, but I think about it. It crosses my mind to hang up my boots if we win the World Cup, although I have a contract [with Man City] until 2014.

2009 equivalent of Rivaldo’s “thx, but no thx” letter to Spurs

Lothar Matthaus has turned down Argentinean Primera Division club Racing by text message, hours before starting his new job as manager. The legendary German sweeper had been expected to hop on a plane to Buenos Aires this morning, but had a change of heart after fears his 22-year-old wife (Lothar is pushing 50, btw) would not be able to continue her modeling career in South America.

Despite Racing Club setting up interviews with Argentinean modeling agencies and TV production companies, in a statement on his website, the former Hungary manager claimed to have rejected the offer due to doubts over financial guarantees. In typical jilted lover fashion, Racing say they’re the ones who did the dumping. Club President, Rodolfo Molina announced:

“Matthaeus will not be the coach of Racing, because of the decision of Racing. He wanted last-minute changes, which the club did not agree with.

Expect the next chapter in this saga to be a ill-advised drunken text. “Am sorry lotR. I dnt wnt2 dual this up. Plz giv us anthr chance x B^D”

Legend wins girl over with trouser cough

It seems Argentinean hacks aren’t the only people Diego Maradona has recently entreated to “suck it“. Word reaches us from Spanish rag Sport that The Golden Boy’s preparations for Argentina’s crucial World Cup qualifier against Uruguay basically consisted of chatting up attractive blondes in hotel lobbies and farting.

According to Uruguayan vixen Natalia Rosas, who crossed paths with Diego while he was holed up at the Shreaton Hotel in Montevideo, the tubby gaffer seems to still be suffering the side effects of the steamed cabbage and prune diet forced upon him at fat camp:

“He invited me to have coffee with him and while we were talking we both wished each other good luck. Then we hugged and he kissed me. I was left with the taste of onion or garlic that he had just eaten. Then there was the gas. Diego got nervous and started moving around on his chair to try to justify himself

England the hors d’oeuvre ahead of an Argentine main course

Starting at 5pm, you can take your televisual pick from five meaningless World Cup qualifiers, before the real action starts at a slightly-inconvenient-if-you-work time of 11.

Germany (already through) vs Finland (already out) help ESPN stave off the test card from 5pm, before channel hoppers enter heaven at around 7. Sky Sports 2 at 6:30 is the place to be to watch Shay Given clap the crowd who in turn will be clapping him, as he wins his 100th cap against Montenegro. Meanwhile Slovenia’s inevitable win in San Marino, makes Czech Republic vs Northern Ireland (7:20 BBC red button) another dead rubber.

Liverpool TV is the place to watch the top two in Group 5. Turn on at 6:45 for Bosnia-Herzegovina vs Spain, a match Rafa doesn’t want any of his stars to play in, although presumably LFCTV advertising execs take an opposing view.

Or walk the way of ITV1 at 7:30 to watch Gabriel Agbonlahor, Ben Foster, Michael Carrick and assorted others once more prove they aren’t quite up to international football. But all this is mere flotsam and jetsam compared to the second oldest derby in international football. Separated by the widest river in the world, tonight’s result could ensure many more miles will be separating the players of Uruguay and Argentina next June. Maradona’s men need a draw to qualify, but should they lose, and Ecuador win in Chile, the World Cup 2010 will take place without the world’s best player. Sky Sports 1 at 11 for the game of the season thus far.

UPDATE The Chile vs Ecuador match bizarrely (and slightly unfairly) kicks off an hour earlier, so if the away side win that game, the second half in Montevideo really will be something.

Any predictions? Let us know below…

Its not just Manchester United who score late, by Danny Harris

Republic of Ireland were robbed of a credible draw at the weekend, after scoring late only to see their opponents Italy equalise with stunning impertinence.

After the jump, we choose our six favourite similarly chaotic upside-down closing stages:

The RFEF prepare to throw a premature celebration

Some confusion over the centenary celebrations of the RFEF (Real Federación Española de Fútbol, or Royal Spanish Football Federation) has arisen.

The governing body celebrated has anounced it will celebrate its centenary on November 14th with a friendly between Spain and Argentina at the Vicente Calderón stadium in Madrid. This is a little odd, as the RFEF celebrated its 75th anniversary in October 1988, with a friendly against an Argentina side featuring Diego Maradona (pictured above). Mathematicians will note that this was 21 years ago, not 25.

“It seems obvious that someone has been guilty of impatience,” says Marca of the hasty celebration.