Legend wins girl over with trouser cough

It seems Argentinean hacks aren’t the only people Diego Maradona has recently entreated to “suck it“. Word reaches us from Spanish rag Sport that The Golden Boy’s preparations for Argentina’s crucial World Cup qualifier against Uruguay basically consisted of chatting up attractive blondes in hotel lobbies and farting.

According to Uruguayan vixen Natalia Rosas, who crossed paths with Diego while he was holed up at the Shreaton Hotel in Montevideo, the tubby gaffer seems to still be suffering the side effects of the steamed cabbage and prune diet forced upon him at fat camp:

“He invited me to have coffee with him and while we were talking we both wished each other good luck. Then we hugged and he kissed me. I was left with the taste of onion or garlic that he had just eaten. Then there was the gas. Diego got nervous and started moving around on his chair to try to justify himself

England the hors d’oeuvre ahead of an Argentine main course

Starting at 5pm, you can take your televisual pick from five meaningless World Cup qualifiers, before the real action starts at a slightly-inconvenient-if-you-work time of 11.

Germany (already through) vs Finland (already out) help ESPN stave off the test card from 5pm, before channel hoppers enter heaven at around 7. Sky Sports 2 at 6:30 is the place to be to watch Shay Given clap the crowd who in turn will be clapping him, as he wins his 100th cap against Montenegro. Meanwhile Slovenia’s inevitable win in San Marino, makes Czech Republic vs Northern Ireland (7:20 BBC red button) another dead rubber.

Liverpool TV is the place to watch the top two in Group 5. Turn on at 6:45 for Bosnia-Herzegovina vs Spain, a match Rafa doesn’t want any of his stars to play in, although presumably LFCTV advertising execs take an opposing view.

Or walk the way of ITV1 at 7:30 to watch Gabriel Agbonlahor, Ben Foster, Michael Carrick and assorted others once more prove they aren’t quite up to international football. But all this is mere flotsam and jetsam compared to the second oldest derby in international football. Separated by the widest river in the world, tonight’s result could ensure many more miles will be separating the players of Uruguay and Argentina next June. Maradona’s men need a draw to qualify, but should they lose, and Ecuador win in Chile, the World Cup 2010 will take place without the world’s best player. Sky Sports 1 at 11 for the game of the season thus far.

UPDATE The Chile vs Ecuador match bizarrely (and slightly unfairly) kicks off an hour earlier, so if the away side win that game, the second half in Montevideo really will be something.

Any predictions? Let us know below…

Its not just Manchester United who score late, by Danny Harris

Republic of Ireland were robbed of a credible draw at the weekend, after scoring late only to see their opponents Italy equalise with stunning impertinence.

After the jump, we choose our six favourite similarly chaotic upside-down closing stages:

The RFEF prepare to throw a premature celebration

Some confusion over the centenary celebrations of the RFEF (Real Federación Española de Fútbol, or Royal Spanish Football Federation) has arisen.

The governing body celebrated has anounced it will celebrate its centenary on November 14th with a friendly between Spain and Argentina at the Vicente Calderón stadium in Madrid. This is a little odd, as the RFEF celebrated its 75th anniversary in October 1988, with a friendly against an Argentina side featuring Diego Maradona (pictured above). Mathematicians will note that this was 21 years ago, not 25.

“It seems obvious that someone has been guilty of impatience,” says Marca of the hasty celebration.

The Spoiler attempts to explain the Argentinian’s inconsistency

A strange thing tends to happen when Lionel Messi pulls on an Argentina shirt - generally speaking, he loses the dazzling talent that made him the centre piece in Barcelona’s triple-winning season. But why does this happen? As the Albicelestes prepare for a vital clash with Peru on Saturday, Spoiler correspondent Sam Williams gives five possible reasons for his inconsistent form on the international stage…

The manager
Comparisons with Maradona are inescapable, particularly when the manager forces the iconic number 10 shirt on Messi. Before the recent World Cup qualifiers against Brazil and Paraguay, Maradona said of his star player: “We’ve been heaping responsibility onto him. He’s fast, concentrated, totally committed. He knows the chance he has.” Argentina duly lost both games.

Messi is consistently outstanding for Barcelona because he plays in a liberated, care-free manner. He knows how good he is, and if Maradona lets him get on with it, he could help dig Argentina out of the World Cup Qualification hole they find themselves in.

The formation
In the aforementioned defeat to Paraguay in Asuncion, Messi was deployed up-front in a 4-4-2 formation. For all his attacking qualities, five-foot-seven Messi isn’t an out-and-out striker and he couldn’t impose himself against the big, physical Paraguayan centre-backs. Alongside a target-man

Argentinean legend turns out for an English club for one day

As a favour to his friend and international colleague, Diego Maradona agreed to play in Ossie Ardiles’ 1986 testimonial, which saw Tottenham beat Inter Milan 2-1.

The game - for which Maradona arrived late after being personally driven from his hotel by Ardiles - took place just a few weeks before the 1986 World Cup. Somehow, we don’t think the Argentinean coach would have received such a warm reception at an English ground in the weeks that followed.

Thanks to Seb for the tip

£3,600 bling confiscated by tax collectors

It’s not been a good September for Diego Maradona. Having starting the month with humbling defeats to Brazil and Paraguay in Argentina’s beleaguered World Cup 2010 qualifying campaign, he’s since been told by Viagra-hawking legend Pele he wasn’t actually that good at football after all and endured ridicule for being packed off to a fat farm in Italy.

The latest ignominy was suffered after Italian fraud squad police followed him to said fat farm last week and raided it, in an attempt to try and recover some of the £28m Diego owes in back taxes from his time at Napoli between 1984 and 1991.

Albicelestes start to turn against their Messiah

A hacker operating under the name ‘KKR’ gave the Argentinean football authorities another headache last Friday, as he exposed security lapses in the official AFA website.

Visitors to the site who may have been seeking information information on the hapless South American side were instead treated to a picture of Diego Maradona in a Brazil shirt, with the caption “A picture is worth a thousand words.”

It’s not a Photoshopped image you see, but a still from an advert for a South American soft drink, in which the former recreational drug fan made the extremely regrettable decision to wear the colours of his fierce national rivals. Check out the advert at the bottom of this post.

Even though the security breach occurred last Friday (for the third time, incidentally), the AFA website is still down.