The latest transfer gossip, rumours and damned lies

Ruud van Nistelrooy not going to Spurs
Those who were hoping to see the perennially-injured horse-faced Dutchman return to the Premiership may be disappointed by his most recent insistence that he intends to stay in the Spanish capital:

“I am happy at Real and want to go back and get the opportunity to prove myself. I have a strong motivation to succeed at Real.”

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: Unlike his Dutch colleagues, Ruud seems fairly confident of his place in Florentino Perez’s plans. Us? Not so confident.

Armand Traore to Birmingham
Our friends at The Birmingham Mail say the newly promoted side are looking to give yet another temporary home to the left-sided Frenchman, who spent last season at Fratton Park.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: Kieran Gibbs is probably in front of Traore in the queue

Serial WAG threatening to publish her shameless exploits

In a recent survey, it was revealed that approximately 101 per cent of Premier League footballers had boffed not-a-racist glamour model Danielle Lloyd (there’s a one per cent margin of error).

The 25-year-old topless model has made the front page of the Daily Star today (a slot she seems to share solely with Chanelle Hayes and Lucy Pinder) as she is at the centre of a six-figure bidding war for the rights to publish her “X-rated autobiography”. This, of course, spells bad news for her legions of famous partners:

The sexy Scouser is due to lift the lid on her flings with the Premier League’s biggest names and reveal their wild playboy secrets.

Daring Dani’s sizzling new book, guaranteed to be a best-seller, will spill the beans on the stars’ cheating, ­gambling and boozing habits.

“She’s revealing loads she’s never spoken about before,” said a spokesman for the Daily Star babe.

“She’ll talk about her high profile relationships and what ­really went on behind the scenes.”

Danielle - whose known conquests include Marcus Bent , Armand Traoré, Jermain Defoe, Gerard Piqué, Ryan Babel and Teddy Sheringham - has traded off her relationships with sportsmen for years, but made her attitude towards girls who do kiss-and-tell stories very clear last January:

“Women who sell these stories have no self respect. They want to make money and be famous for saying they have slept with soccer stars. But they have no shame.”

Danielle’s book is out in October.

Serial footballer admirer snares victim number six

Danielle Lloyd is to footballer steamrollerings what Bob Dylan is to songwriting: prolific. Until this day she had still to be inducted into the WAG of the Day hall of fame, however, on account of her new “relationship” with Liverpool rapper/ footballer Ryan Babel, the not-a-racist-but-says-racist-things glamour model has finally earned her place.