Wow, what a cup final it’s going to be - no Defoe, no Fowler, no recognisable goal scorers on either team. Get ready for a stonker, people! To calm you down, and get that heart rate back to around normal, here’s some very sobering news from the transfer underground…
Cristiano Ronaldo to Real Madrid (which we reported straight outta the Spanish press last week)
After spending most of the season casually toying with Premier League teams like a panther wafting around a gerbil with one of it’s shiny claws, Ronaldo is probably bored of the silly Premier League with its dim-witted defenders and smarmy goalkeepers. He may be wise, however, to read Chaucer’s Tale of Thierry Henry - it’s about a man who thought he had it all, but so didn’t.
The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: May have peaked for Man United already, don’t count against it.
Ricardo Carvalho to Real Madrid
While everyone stands back and applauds John Terry for being Mister Chelsea, it’s actually the gentleman next to him with a middle-aged hair-don’t doing all the work. As the people of Spain will find out next season.
The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Without Mourinho there to give him cuddles, what’s the point? Should be off.
For fans of the best show on television, The Apprentice, here is a rare treat - glimpses of waffle-mouthed Lee McQueen singing entire sentences without saying “that’s what I’m talking about” and whooping in people’s faces. Granted, the clip is a little bit long, and, Arsenal fans, it might be wise to cover your delicate ears with soundproof silk.
Well, the great news, Arsenal, is that it isn’t your football that is making Hleb want to leave you - no, he loves the style of play - it’s your city, your home, your people. They’re the problem.
Like most agents, the man who does all of Hleb’s talking (Nikolai Shpilevski) doesn’t like to put words in anyones mouth, but still chose to air exactly what is going on in the busy mind of the bendy-legged Arsenal man, at least as far as he can tell.
“Alexander is just tired of the noisy and chaotic life in the British capital and feels like living in calmer surroundings,” he sighed, “if any clubs want to add Hleb to their ranks they should talk to Arsenal.”
The big talk in the various underground drinking holes of North London is that the promising French midfielder Lassana Diarra is going to continue his whistle-stop tour of Great Britain with a prolonged visit to Spurs. That’ll be his eighty-ninth club this year - or his third.
And yet, how useful would he have been on the other side of North London at Arsenal, had Wenger maintained his chilling ability to see into the future? Plus, more importantly, are we wrong to be losing faith in the proven football scholar?
While Steven Gerrard can be found whimpering on the streets of Liverpool, seriously disgruntled because his club won’t spend enough money on new friends for him, over in the AC quarter of Milan, rumour would suggest that money is swilling around like expensive sparkling wine in a Jermain Defoe bathtub.
Starting from the back, the Italian giants have been linked with Chelsea’s bemasked goal stopper Petr Cech - supposedly the planet’s most beguiling keeper. In front of him, they’re looking to poach France’s Willy Sagnol from Bayern Munich, as well as the Italian crowd pleaser Gianluca Zambrotta, who used to ply his wares so well at Juve before morphing into a less convincing wingback at Barcelona.
If you’re planning to go to Glasgow tonight, don’t, it would be a silly silly move. Should Rangers win, Celtic supporters go bonkers, should Rangers lose, everyone goes bonkers. And, of course, “bonkers” is street slang for face punchy and eye scratchy. You would be far wiser to read about today’s transfers and say nothing more about it…
Carlos Puyol to Man United
Fergie has long been an admirer of Puyol’s gorgeous long hair and robust playing style - the whisper is that he’s going to throw Gerard Pique in as bait.
The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: He’s Mr Barcelona, and the Ferdinand/Vidic axis of strength might be impossible to break. Unlikely.
Giovani dos Santos to Chelsea
This guy has been hailed as ‘the new Ronaldinho’, which presumably means he’s a great footballer, not a podgy nighclubber who could eat his breakfast through a fence.
Blackburn star David Bentley is convinced that his career in Lancashire is over. According to a Spoiler informant, the player believes he will be earning at crust at Chelsea next season. DB is so convinced of the transfer that he described it as a ‘done deal’.
Of course, miserly Arsene Wenger is not a man to splash the cash. Or so everyone thought yesterday. Today it transpires that the scholarly French gentlemen forks out astonishing amounts of money on young players, and now he’s barged the big guns at Man United out of the way to sign Lyon youngster Hatem Ben Arfa.
The zippy left winger was supposed to be heading off to United for £14.4 million, but the player has confirmed that he talked with Arsenal, and may yet be off to North London instead for around £16 million - which is £500 zillion in Wenger currency.
“Today I am at Lyon, we will see what tomorrow is made of,” said Ben Arfa, steeping his sentence in gorgeous mystery.
While Wenger has spent years convincing the world that his eagle eyes can spot potential a mile off, Rafa Benitez sees the Arsenal man’s methods in a totally different light - he said this to liverpoolfc.tv:
“I think we are signing fantastic young players but not spending big, big money. I think that is the massive difference between Arsenal and us. They have spent big money on young players for a long time.
There is no time to rest in football. Ferguson might have been dancing on the tables last night, but he’d have been back at his desk this morning with a muesli bar from a garage to plan how to best inflict pain on others come August.
Today’s transfer rumours read like this:
Dimitar Berbatov to Manchester United
Wow, where did this one come from? Who knew that Berbs wanted to leave? Might it have something to do with his agent demanding that he leave? As things stand United are front-runners, with Ferguson after a mature football mind to spearhead his attack. But there have also been increasingly fervent whispers echoing in from Barcelona insisting that he can go there if he wants to. Sir Alex will have to be at his most charming and flirtatious to bag this puppy. So to speak.
Samuel Eto’o to Inter Milan
More bad news Spurs. Apparently Inter are set to stroll up to the Barca striker and casually ask whether he’d like to join the Italian champions or the eleventh best Premier League side.
