Whilst taxes on cigarettes, alcohol and even fatty foods are lapped up by meddling governments, a tax on that luxury item of air has yet to be announced by the men in suits. Someone must be pulling the wool over Andrei Arshavin’s eyes in that case given his recent comments:
“In domestic terms, I confess, it is difficult. They say that a foreigner only adapts to London after living there for a year, so I still have three months left! Here you have to pay every step of the way. Sometimes I have to shell out to breathe!”
Arshavin also managed to fund just enough oxygen to pant and gasp out one more thing.
“The most beautiful football isn’t here, but at Barcelona. But after them, perhaps Arsenal - we are probably missing two top players.”
New Arsenal saviour about to feel the sharp side of British bureaucracy
It appears the Merseyside derby wasn’t the only tedious affair that went into extra time this week. In a Spoiler exclusive, Andrei Arshavin’s agent Dennis Lichter has revealed that the on-off-on-off-on-off-on-off-you-get-the-idea-with-that transfer was not concluded inside the 5pm Premier League deadline.
Speaking to the Spoiler from his Tel Aviv office, Lichter revealed, “It was done by the final whistle. With a little extra time.”
The agent went on to explain that the deal between Arsenal and Arshavin’s club Zenit was concluded by Monday afternoon, but complex stipulations in Arshavin’s contract meant the player was not free to leave Zenit until the following day. Lichter described the deal as, “the most complex I have ever been involved with in my sixteen years.”
As the Premier League meet this afternoon to discuss the deal, there are rumours that Aston Villa could be amongst a host of clubs to protest against the late concluding of the transfer. Lichter said he doesn’t believe Arshavin’s move could be overturned but when asked whether he would be willing to give evidence to the League if there were to be an FA enquiry, he would only say, “we will cross that bridge when we come to it.”
Spurs are a bit like that dream girl you always wanted to have sex with. She looks amazing, ticks all the right boxes, but when your boat finally comes in and you get the chance to actually do it, she’s rubbish. It’s a bloody shame. And yet, every August, when she struts back into your life wearing a fierce new bikini and beckoning you over, you decide that this year she might be less lurching and badly coordinated in bed. But guess what? She never is.
Until, of course, this year. We’re going to put the metaphor down now, because it’s just getting stupid - but yes, the sexy woman is Spurs, and finally they have the look of a team that could do some serious damage - both in bed, and on the pitch.
Last year, everyone was harping on about the four big strikers (Keane, Berbs, Defoe, Bent), but that was always going to present problems. Four decent strikers can’t squeeze into two slots, hence Defoe’s sharp exit, and Bent’s loss of confidence.
But this year, Ramos seems to be buying intelligently, rather than clogging up certain areas to create “competition”. Instead, he has snared fantastic attacking midfield players - Bentley, Modric, Dos Santos - to keep the heat off his injury-prone defence. And even Bent has started slotting them in for fun up front. Of course, every year seems like a false dawn at White Hart Lane, but should they tie down the Arshavin deal, and manage to keep hold of Berbatov, all that big talk of being the biggest team in North London might yet start to ring true.
Or, have we just fallen for another buxom lass from Seven Sisters with phenomenal bosoms?
To prove that it’s still today and not tomorrow yet, at time of writing none of us knew that Mohamed would finally crack on Big Brother and windmill in to the housemates in hell, destroying them with a series of rabbit punches and kung-fu kicks. Neither did we know it was going to be raining all day on Tuesday. What we do know about tomorrow, however, is this:
Arshavin heading to Spurs
After weeks of mulling over transfer speculation insisting that their stars are headed for bigger and better things, Spurs fans will finally be handed some much needed cheer with the news that the Russian striker Andrei Arshavin may well be heading to North London in a deal worth £17 million. Their joy will of course be tempered by Robbie Keane’s move to Liverpool, whose £18 million pound sale will fund Juande Ramos’ latest dip into the transfer market.
Nolberto Solano to stay in England
Just as Americans were getting all excited - shooting guns, going “yeeehah!” - about another aging footballer making their way to join their MLS, Nolberto Solano has revealed that he isn’t quite ready to turn his back on English football just yet. A free agent, having been released by West Ham, there are no shortage of suitors for the Peruvian international - he could be heading to the gorgeous kingdom of Sunderland, or Portsmouth.
Cesc Fabregas trying to backtrack
Having allegedly admitted that he would be happy to join Real Madrid next summer, Fabregas is now claiming that he has, like many others in recent weeks, been totally misquoted. Not wanting to join Gareth Barry in the unenviable position of being loathed by his own supporters, the Spaniard is now spouting a series of fan friendly quotes, such as: “I am happy at Arsenal” and “my future is here”. Yeah, right.
As another Monday draws to a close, we look around and evaluate what we’ve learned. Blake Fielder-Civil, the man responsible for nurturing Amy Winehouse, has finally realised that monkeying around with the law means one thing - chokey. And tomorrow, you might be learning a little about this kind of stuff…
English football no longer fashionable
It’s not just North London that is losing its sex appeal, it’s all of London, what with its silly knife crime and fragrant crack smoking. Take Samuel Eto’o - his agent has been heard grunting about how the striker is going to say a big “NO WAY” to both Chelsea and Tottenham, he wants to stay in Barcelona instead, and little Robinho from Real Madrid would rather risk lugging Cristiano Ronaldo’s spare boots around next season than move to the new capital of street robbery. How come, guys?
Wenger slaps Real Madrid on the wrist
Arsene Wenger took a break from selling all of his players to tell the club’s magazine that evil foreign teams are just, well, evil. “You can destabilise any player in the world - that is irresponsible,” he groaned. “These are big clubs that should be setting an example to others.”
Presumably these comments were made before he starting questioning Andrei Arshavin’s ability to perform at the top level?
Luis Felipe Scolari met his many of his squad for the first time yesterday, and things are certainly looking promising for the Blues: the Brazilian has already introduced Deco to the camp, and Rom’s bottomless kitty could bring in the likes of Kaka, Ronaldinho, Arshavin and Eto’o.
However, Scolari has been out of the domestic game for nearly eight years, and it could take him months to acclimatise to the nuances of the English game. Only one man has ever been able to lift the Premier League trophy in his first season at a club - a cocky Portuguese chap who came fresh from winning two consecutive league titles, the UEFA Cup and the Champions league with his previous outfit.
So will Big Phil’s pedigree and Chelsea’s limitless resources be enough to secure the Blues their third Prem title this century? Let us know what you think with votes and comments below.
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