The rain stays on the plane, but where do the tears go?

As his absurdly punishment-free existence trundles towards yet another revolting chapter, Ashley Cole can be found sunning himself in Spain with the kind lady he is slowly destroying - all as if he hasn’t a care in the world.

Bad enough that he prodded his nasty hamster-like fingers all over another woman’s contorted body before barfing, but he now appears to have been totally forgiven for the humiliation by his wife, Cheryl.

All of today’s rumours, translated from Portuguese

Well done Chelsea - after striking the fear of God into everyone for ages, the mask appears to have slipped. Roman didn’t get his wish of a winning final in Russia, all the best managers are giving them a wide berth, and what are the chances of Lampsie, the Drog-man, and even snarling Mikey Essien heading out east to lick pasta sauce from Mourinho’s chin next season? Pretty high, many would argue. And, it doesn’t end there…

Ashley Cole to Inter Milan
Mourinho had quite some effect on the Chelsea players, a bit like Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society - you know, where the young boys find rebellion through poetry? Heart wrenching film, that one. Williams doesn’t crack a single gag. Anyway, in a similar vein, Ashley Cole might move towards Mourinho, if people waft enough money stink his way.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Time to alienate Italy, Ashley?

Don’t leave them alone with the wife

And so to the less charming side of football - the players who would demand extra money if you dared to make them sweat, even just a little bit. The kind of men you wouldn’t want next to you in the trenches. Were this wartime… and people still used trenches.

GK Carlo Cudicini (Chelsea)
Cudicini is in his goalkeeping prime, and yet he’s happy to lay back in the dugout until Cech gets his face obliterated again. Then he’ll feign an injury of his own - slacker films should be made about this guy.

DL Ashley Cole (Chelsea)
A revolting little man, Cole is totally unaware of a world existing outside of his self-made bubble. In his head, he is king, and Chelsea isn’t his club, it’s just the latest in a long list of suckers to tend to his every bottom wiping whim.

DC Sol Campbell (Portsmouth)
Such are his addled nerves and fragile mind that no club could ever rely on keeping Sol Campbell happy - he’s just too sensitive, bless him. For now, he loves Portsmouth, just adores them, but should they EVER show evidence of not being hopelessly devoted to His Highness, he will go. And that’s not a threat. He actually will. Won’t you, Sol? Ahh, why are you crying? See what you’ve done? Now he’s crying.

One man acts on a nation’s behalf

Arrgghhh, shouted The Sun newspaper, what an aggressive tackle - a two footer, no less. Meanwhile, the rest of the country stood back and applauded. Amongst them, a beautiful cowgirl known mysteriously as “Cheryl Cole” (pictured, below).

All the players rated according to their unpopularity

What a Champions League final. Two delighted sets of fans, then the rest of Europe all scratching their heads trying to figure out which of the teams they want to win less. The Spoiler has taken a long look at all of the players who should be involved, and marked them out of ten, using a state-of-the-art Hate-o-meter. Results follow…

While his pop star wife nipped out to look sensual with her bandmates, Ashley Cole took it upon himself to launch headlong into yet another set of enormous social blunders.

Mistake Number One was going to Chinawhites on a Wednesday - that (along with Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, Friday and Monday) is the big “let’s get drunk and have sex” night at the exclusive wine bar. The wife would not be impressed, especially given the fact that her husband has a bad habit of fornicating with other women.

Loathe him or hate him, there’s no ignoring that Ashley Cole is having a tremendous week. Last night his team finally made it past Liverpool in the Champions League semi finals, and earlier in the week, the discerning young lesbians who enjoy Gay-Parship.co.uk voted his lovely singing wife the sexiest WAG they’d most like to be lesbian with.

Steven Gerrard’s bottle blonde wife bulldozed into second place ahead of Victoria Beckham, who hasn’t had the same impact on the gay community as husband David. He came second in the men’s vote.

[Kickette]

You know the people, the ones who pop around unannounced and spend the entire evening telling you how tired they are, and how things just never seem to go their way. Wouldn’t it be great to rain a few over-the-top punches onto their moping little faces? Yeah, then they’d have something to moan about, then they’d have something to say. With that in mind, imagine the dreary dressing room that this little lot would make for.

GK Jens Lehmann
Moody Jens doesn’t socialise with his team mates, citing the big age gap as a main problem. They, on the other hand, would probably cite his ungodly whinging and arrogant manner.

DL Ashley Cole (c)
The look of utter disbelief on Ashley’s face whenever he gets booked tells you everything you need to know - he can’t believe it, why is everyone picking on him! Plus his wife just dared to get upset because he had sex with loads of other women, and it wasn’t even his fault. God, shut up, he didn’t ask to be born, you know! Our captain.

DC Younes Kaboul
Younes always seemed such a happy fellow, bounding toplessly into Jol’s arms after that great goal (against someone). But his recent huff about Ramos not giving him enough cuddles have made for a big fat grumpy baby.

DC Tal Ben Haim
Those who read The Sun a few weeks ago would have seen the pics of Tal Ben Haim in the back pages stuttering and holding back the tears, as he whimpered about how Jose was really lovely, but Avram isn’t, and he doesn’t like his new daddy, and…. big breath… he just wants to go somewhere else. What a misery guts.

The signs of an impending foray back into the world of being alone - ie. without Ashley Cole - are many. A woman might start attending frenzied club nights with her maniac single friends (Sarah Harding?), she might decide to go holidaying more. Or, in the case of Cheryl Tweedy/Cole over the weekend, she might deem it totally appropriate to venture outside without putting on the bra suggested by her husband.

Just when you thought you couldn’t hate any more, along comes Ashley Cole brandishing the victim card, and a massive eruption of molten loathing goes off in your head.

Not content with humiliating his pretty wife by smearing his hamster-like hands all over numerous barmaids and glamour girls (including moderately popular Jakki Degg, pictured below), Cole has now decided that he should sue a load of tabloids for making him look bad.