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A Chelsea dressing room tour (thanks to Spoiler reader, John Swaine)! 

The Real Madrid replacement managers REVEALED

[Daily Mail]

P.Diddy wants to buy Crystal Palace!

[Pies]

Footballers on crutches

[Kickette]

Vidic questions Rooney’s intelligence

[Dirty Tackle]

Drogba gets the cartoon treatment

[Studs Up]

New outfits for Arsenal

[Caught Offside]

50 Cent - Ashley’s shoulder to cry on

They say that whenever one door closes, a window opens. Or it might be the other way round. The window first, then the door. Either way, the point is that, in life, one humongous cock-punch can frequently lead to a surprisingly soft kiss on the mouth just when you least expect it. 

Metaphorically speaking.

And today, the big news is that Ashley Cole has just been on the receiving end of a figurative smooch from the buxom street rapper, 50 Cent.

Is one of these men “the new Gary Lineker”?

Romance fans will be bitterly disappointed today, with news that Kate Winslet has managed to make a pig’s ear of another marriage - she’s divorcing Sam Mendes, the man who directed the slow moving Jamie Redknapp hairstyle biopic, Jarhead. As expected, showbiz desks are completely furious about this.

One group who couldn’t give a monkeys, however, are the hard working sports writers. Not big Winslet fans, these office heroes have avoided the furore entirely, and have been instead been writing about football. Here’s what we know today, thanks to the likes of The Sun, The Daily Mail, The Guardian etc…:

Try your hand at being Capello…

Now that the season is entering its final stages, very soon a giant magnifying glass will turn onto the players who may or may not make the England squad for South Africa.

For some, it’s a race against time - with physical and emotional injuries to repair - whilst others will be battling to hit top form between now and the campaign’s end. It’s all to play for, so now is s good a time as any to start with the predictions.

Two men, countless issues

Superstitious people will probably tell you that the left back berth in the England team is a poisoned chalice. Many have suffered problems in that position - just ask Phil Neville, or Graeme Le Saux, who played pretty well, but was often lambasted for being all clever and that.

Start Pearce, one of the greatest of the lot, missed an important penalty once.

And now, reports from all of the most important dailies (The Mirror, The Independent, The Daily Mail) suggest that both Wayne Bridge and Ashley Cole are due some emergency counseling in the very immediate future to mend their addled minds.

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You’re stressed, it’s Thursday, here’s some Jazz!

Hilarious Ashley Cole t-shirt

[Dirty Tackle]

Last night’s England team under the microscope

[Pies]

Roma fancy Gallas

[Caught Offside]

Even Ashley Cole wouldn’t stoop this low

[Interestment Comedy]

The Red Knights get the cartoon treatment

[Studs Up]

Toshack keeps schtum about Bellamy

[Football Fancast]

John Terry - discussed

[Daily Mail]

Upson blames the pitch

[The Telegraph]

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Just for you, Capello. It’s Too Much Too Young!

The greatest ever World Cup haircuts

[Pies]

Torres linked with Barcelona!

[Caught Offside]

OMG, are the Coles getting back together?

[Daily Mail]

Spanish football fashion!

[Kickette]

Is it actually totally fine to boo JT? Discussed.

[The Telegraph]

Oh dear, another footballer’s been arrested for fighting

[Football Fancast]

Beard pictures recreated using Photoshop skills

Well, the big news is that Ashley Cole has grown a beard - this is Phase One of any kind of breakdown. Phase Two should find him listening to Girls Aloud records in his underpants, shouting along hysterically to Cheryl’s bits, with a bottle of whiskey in one hand, a revolver in the other.

Then eventually, he’ll make it to Phase Three - typically manifested in celebrity culture by way of an interview insisting that he’s fine now. Totally fine. Completely better. Just getting on with things. Brilliant actually. Yeah, totally fine. Just enjoying life, you know? Not miserable at all. Has he mentioned how brilliant he feels? Oh yeah, he has. Well, it’s true. He feels brilliant. Really brilliant etc…

Phase Four is far too depressing to even talk about.

Anyway, while Ashley Cole begins the rapid descent into Taxi Driver territory, the football world is still turning, and here’s what we know today (thanks to the likes of the Daily Mail, The Mirror, The Telegraph etc…):