Old Italian gent has failed to live up to his fanfare thus far

Last December, we all thought that England had hired a winner. The mood across the nation stood in stark contrast to the underwhelmed vibe that followed the appointment of a man who guided Middlesbrough to 14th in his final Premier League season. In Fabio Capello, England were getting a manager who had won titles in his last three seasons - two of which have since been revoked - and who had been a champion at every club he had managed. Not only that but he was a disciplinarian too. Someone who would do what was best for the team rather than catering for his stars.

Everything was going to plan at first. Capello was taking the job so seriously that he left David Beckham out of the squad for a friendly against Switzerland, a nothing game where Goldenballs was supposed to win his 100th cap, because he wasn’t fit enough. He dropped Michael Owen from the starting line-up and played previous outcast Matthew Upson in defence.

But gradually warning signs became apparent. Despite having already given David James

The players who form the backbone of the top flight

On Wednesday, we brought you the Pepe Reina-free Big Four XI, and today it’s time to look at the best of the rest. The likes of Jo and Luka Modric have been excluded as we’ve yet to see how they adapt to Premier League football. Plus, there’s no Dimitar Berbatov because we’re assuming he’s off to Old Trafford, or maybe the Nou Camp.

Shay Given (Newcastle)
Why Given over James, Friedel and Howard, you ask? Well, the other three can always rely on their defence for support which is a luxury that the Newcastle goalkeeper has never been blessed with. The Irishman is the only man this century to twice wear the number one jersey in the PFA’s Team of the Year.

Gareth Bale (Tottenham)
The young left-back was one of Spurs’ only solid performers at the start of the last campaign before an injury in December ruled him out for the rest of the season. The Welshman also boasted an impressive scoring record with three goals in nine domestic starts.

Richard Dunne (Manchester City)
Despite his error last night, the Irishman is one of the best defenders

Because the PFA vote neglected the last three months of action

Last night, the PFA names their team of the season, but did you know that members voted for it all the way back in January? In his BBC Sport Column, Micah Richards admits that votes were cast way back when Arsenal were on for the title and Newcastle were going down, meaning the past few months of play have not been taken into account. With that in mind, here’s our team of the season from February onwards:

Chris Kirkland
Contributed to Arsenal’s downfall with a stunning clean sheet at the JJB before stealing the spotlight again at Stamford Bridge to help Wigan to a 1-1 draw, which could prove crucial come the end of the season. Remarkably, Wigan have kept more clean sheets than any other Premier League team from February onwards.

Patrice Evra
Gael Clichy’s season went down the drain with Arsenal’s while Evra has been solid all season long at the back for Manchester United.

Nemanja Vidic
Keeps his place and, if anything, his importance to Manchester United has been magnified by their vulnerability when he has been missing.

Phil Jagielka
Dropping Ferdinand may seem harsh but a defence made up of Manchester United and Arsenal players can’t be justified when Everton have let in fewer goals in 2008 than anyone else in the country. Joleon Lescott has taken the plaudits because of his goal contribution but while he has made a few mistakes, Jagielka has grown in stature as the season’s progressed and could be close to an England call-up.

Bacary Sagna
The only one of four Arsenal

Three of the Big Four dominate professional footballers’ fantasy team

Unsurprisingly, Cristiano Ronaldo scooped the PFA Player of the Year award last night, even though he did not personally collect the accolade - Alex Ferguson decided attending the dinner, talking to the press and the obligatory prostitute-based celebrations would have had the 23 year old staying up way past his bedtime.

Despite sporting another ridiculous hair sculpture, C-Ron also made the PFA-nominated team of the season, whose only non-Big Four players are David James and Ashley Young. But where are the Chelsea players? Could it be that the rest of the league hates them? Surely not…

PFA Team of the Season

David James (Portsmouth)
Bacary Sagna (Arsenal)
Rio Ferdinand (Man Utd)
Nemanja Vidic (Man Utd)
Gael Clichy (Arsenal)
Steven Gerrard (Liverpool)
Cesc Fabregas (Arsenal)
Cristiano Ronaldo (Man Utd)
Ashley Young (Aston Villa)
Emmanuel Adebayor (Arsenal)
Fernando Torres (Liverpool)

People have been doing some serious big talking over the weekend - Jose to Inter, Frank to Inter, Didier to Inter. But, worry not, not everyone is off to Inter. Phil Neville, for example, will probably stay at Everton. And these guys all have one thing in common: they’ re all not going to Inter… yet.

Ashley Young to Chelsea
Time has come to accept that the Shaun Wright-Phillips experiment just isn’t working - he arrived small, quick and unable to pass properly, he will leave small, quick, and unable to pass properly. Only with a bit less confidence. So good work Chelsea. Next on their list of bright young talents to destroy is Aston Villa’s speedster Ashley Young. Don’t do it Ashley!

Steven Gerrard to Chelsea
With Frank Lampard set to resume his sensual love affair with Jose Mourinho, this time with a dreamy Italian backdrop, the Chelsea money may again be hurled into Steven Gerrard’s frowning face. With a couple of their top earners off the squad, Abramovich might even shatter payment records. Don’t do it, Stevie!

Beethoven and Honey I Shrunk The Kids don’t even make his top five!

PR busybodies and Agents work around the clock to make sure Premier League footballers are presented well in the media, so that their sponsors will continue to give them free stuff and their bizarre private lives will continue to be concealed. Then, with a throwaway insight into their private life, a player can undo all that time and effort in one hilarious swoop:

“I don’t see so much of the other players while I am doing the rehab work,” [Micah Richards] said. “It can be quite lonely and I have been watching a lot of DVDs. I have got a big collection, including Home Alone, which is my favourite film. In fact I’ve got the whole series of Home Alone films.”

Manchester City defender Micah Richards slipped several rungs down the cool ladder this week by revealing his favourite film is the 1991 Macaulay Culkin classic Home Alone. To be fair, it was my favourite film when I was eight years old too,

The man who invented computers would be spinning in his grave

Whenever they’re quizzed about their personal lives away from the pitch, footballers are full of cliches - they might have “a glass of wine over dinner” or play some golf to unwind. But the real truth is far more disturbing.

Just look at Ashley Young.

While his team mates are happy to get blitzed in Movida/Chinawhites, or enjoy a some textbook intercourse with Danielle Lloyd, Young is logging on to the internet and frenziedly masturbating down a webcam to get his headrush.

“At first he seemed so charming and nice,” says Sarah - eyeballs still on stalks - to the News of the World. She’d met the Villa winger online, got chatting, and in true football fashion it wasn’t long before “he was going hard at it, reaching a climax at about 1.30am.”

“He’s got an impressive package,” she gasped in reference to her Premier League cyber-love. “I couldn’t believe what I was watching.”

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