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Rio Ferdinand and Wes Brown get candid

Robbie Keane starts the conspiracy theories rolling
[The Sun]

… And the Irish justice minister demands … justice
[Telegraph]

Player gets carded for farting in ref’s face
[Mirror]

Fan fined £120k for Sweden/Denmark pitch invasion
[The Sun]

Atletico Madrid are on the brink of accepting £40m for Aguero
[Guardian]

Yuri Zhirkov’s knees are struggling with the UK weather
[Daily Star]

Spanish Div 2 ref does his best Scarface impression…

A former Segunda Division referee has been arrested in Spain on suspicion of masterminding a national-scale drugs trafficking operation. Eduardo Perez Izquierdo was recently arrested with eight other suspects after police uncovered a massive cocaine haul in Madrid.

Izquierdo retired in the 2002/3 season after presiding over more than 100 league matches. However, instead of spending retirement with his feet up, bashing out angry responses to fan mail, the former ref is thought to have tried his hand at cocaine distribution, setting up a network of gangs throughout the Basque Country.

El Mundo Deportivo reports:

Some of the sources close to the investigation are assuring that the referee’s role in this was to coordinate the movements of all the operations undertaken by the gang in exchange for a commission.

Agent claims ‘illness’ is to blame…

Fran Merida’s laser-guided finish in the Carling Cup against Liverpool last week propelled him into public eye alongside Carlos Vela, Jack Wilshere and Aaron Ramsey, as part of Arsenal’s jealousy-inducing line up of future stars.

However, things aren’t all good in the hood. The 19-year-old Spaniard is out of contract at the end of season and doesn’t look particularly fussed about tying up a deal any time soon. Even worse, he’s jonesing for a move to Atletico Madrid - which wouldn’t be so bad if 1) Atleti weren’t 18th in La Liga (one win from nine); and 2) he wasn’t born in Barcelona.

Newbie managers hold English sides in Europe…

CSKA Moscow 3/ Manchester United 3

Leonid Slutsky’s (no laughing at the back) side took a surprise lead through Alan’s 25th minute strike, but were soon pegged back by a typically poached goal from Michael Owen. After going 3-1 down to a pair of all-too-easy goals from Milos Krasic and Vasili Berezutski, United staged a late rally - 84th minute late - with a Paul Scholes header and Antonio Valencia’s deflected equaliser.

Atletico Madrid 2/ Chelsea 2

Chelsea started the match ready to hammer an Atletico Madrid side, laughably shambolic on and off the pitch, who had nothing to play for. However, Atleti put in an admirable first-half performance, before Kun Aguero came on and smashed a 66th minute volley which stuck a massive middle finger up at any idea of a Blues rout.

Didier Drogba grabbed a late brace, but Aguero popped up again in injury time (with a free-kick that’ll add a few €m to his price tag in January) to grab a point.

Also appearing on a computer near you…

Remi Gaillard: professional prank artist and also extremely handy with a football. Franck Ribery would be proud.

Spurs sit top of the most pointless league table ever devised
[Daily Mail]

Is Angel di Marina Rafa’s ace card or the first signing in Liverpool’s new era?
[Caught Offside]

Gaizka Mendieta: from £30m transfers to being told you’ll never get a game at a Boro team 12th in the league
[BBC Sport]

Twitter users don’t hang about - the first Kai Rooney accounts are up
[Off The Post]

Atletico Madrid have got their Newcastle hats on
[Guardian

We’ll give it three months (weeks)
[The Sun]

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Before you check out the links, here’s Britney Spears doing something or other in a bikini

Burnley are already commemorating their famous win with t-shirts
[Pies]

Sergio Aguero is a no-go for Chelsea after playing in the Champions League for Atletico Madrid
[Daily Mail]

Our new favourite website
[iamfriendswithsluts.com]

Sammy Lee charged with improper conduct
[The Guardian]

Interestment have excellent taste in football websites
[Interestment]

Jonathan Greening joins Fulham on a season-long loan
[Sky Sports]

The latest transfer gossip, rumours and damned lies

Andrea Pirlo, Franck Ribery and Sergio Aguero to Chelsea
Chelsea have been searching all summer for what they call a “marquee name” and now The Daily Mail expect them to bring three in at once by spending £100 million on Pirlo, Ribery and Aguero.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: The Blues have been linked with Pirlo ever since Carlo Ancelotti’s appointment and that looks a reasonable possibility but Bayern Munich have said Ribery is no longer available and Aguero is supposedly happy to stay in Spain.

Joe Cole to Spurs
Obviously the arrival of two more midfielders would damage Cole’s chances of

Relaxed Bulgarian could make way for Kun

Our Spanish friends at AS have been speculating over the future of Atletico Madrid striker Sergio Agüero throughout the closed season, and they seem convinced he will end up in Manchester.

The Argentinean - whose lovemaking with Diego Maradona’s daughter has been so successful that she has borne his first son - was supposedly the subject of a €46m bid earlier this summer. The offer hit a stumbling block, however, when it was revealed that ‘Kun’ has a €60m buy-out clause written into his contract.

AS believe Alex Ferguson would like to offer Atletico Madrid €40m and Nani to satisfy the contractual stipulation. The Spaniards, however, would much prefer to have Dimitar Berbatov and €20m.