If Alan Sugar and Jeremy Beadle had a love child…

Italian film producer and Napoli president Aurelio De Laurentiis has been been causing a fuss at the Serie A club for the huge pair of iron handcuffs he slaps on a player when they sign: since 2004, Napoli players have had to sign away image rights and sponsorship deals exclusively to the club.

Defiant in his tyranny, De Laurentiis has said his unhappy stars can go to England if they don’t like it in Naples, but bvelieves there may be nasty consequences to sleeping with Danielle Lloyd:

“We made these players - two years ago nobody knew who they were,” roared the movie mogul.

“If they want to go to England then in the end they’re going to go, but they need to understand this: the English live badly, eat badly and their women do not wash their genitalia. To them, a bidet is a mystery.”

There are plenty of reasons De Laurentiis could criticise ol’ Blighty for, but the lack of bidets? Does a shortage of hideously antediluvian plumbing fixtures really warrant such a racist and sexist slur?

Perhaps the man who produced Petomane, the true story of a Frenchman who can control his own farts, should keep his opinions on hygiene to himself.

[Dirty Tackle]