An emergency? Quick, call Captain Disaster!

If history has taught us anything, it’s that you need a steady hand to calm a maddening crowd. Not Terry Venables. His kindly demeanour and likable personality make him seem warm and cuddly - in fact, he’s a bit like Keegan, only without the crippling oversensitive side and relentless nervous breakdowns. But don’t be fooled by the warmth, people of Newcastle, the man is jinxed.

Wherever he goes, bad things happen. Remember Leeds United? Crystal Palace? Of course you don’t

Australian demonstrates lack of tolerance…

Go anywhere on the planet, and you’ll see that animals are treated differently. In areas of the North Pole some of them are given jobs, and even in this country we build them little houses - or “hutches”, if you will. In Australia, however, it seems people are less tolerant of anything furry or feathered. Lucas Neill proved as much against Uzbekistan last night, when an innocent young owl/dove/crow wandered mindlessly onto a football pitch, only to find the burly West Ham man in no mood for inter-species relations.

He kicked the ball right at it.

For another take on things, go to Off The Post.

Aussie heavyweight boxer Brad Pitt, that is

It turns out that American water polo player Ryan Bailey isn’t the only athlete in Beijing to share a name with a hunky gentlemen, as Australian painter Brad Pitt will also be living in the Olympic village for the next few weeks.

Pitt is an amateur heavyweight boxer, and as you can see, he is just as pretty as his Fight Club equivalent.

The antipodean lovely who somehow puts up with Lleyton Hewitt

From Sunday, Beijing’s ‘Green Tennis Centre’ (presumably an ironic name) will play host to some of the world’s finest tennis players. Of specific interest is section four of the draw, which will prove tough for Andy Murray as he could face either Rafael Nadal or Lleyton Hewitt on his route to the final.

Unlike Murray, however, the angry Aussie has hotness on his side, in the form of actress wife Bec Hewitt (née Cartwright). You may recognise her as Hayley Smith from Home and Away, or if you’re really cool, you will have seen her playing a troubled teen in Australian high school-based drama Heartbreak High.

Invaded nation witnesses superb long range effort

The best goal of the European Championships thus far is undoubtedly Pepe’s opener against Turkey on Saturday, but elsewhere in the world an even more impressive strike hit the onion bag. The video above is from a World Cup qualifier between Australia and Iraq, where the latter’s Emad Mohammed banged one in from 35 yards.

Impressive stuff, particularly as the Aussies were one of the first nations to send troops to the conflictuous nation and they only pulled out last week.

[The Beautiful Game]

Aussie cricketer brings the pain to naked intruder

You may have seen it in the paper’s this morning, but here’s the video of Aussie middle order batsman Andrew Symonds letting us all know why we shouldn’t show him our junk. It’s quite a meaty collision - the exhibitionist should just be glad he aimed for his face.

[Video: WithLeather]

Tearing a leaf from Prince Harry’s book of 100 Great Laughs, German-born Andre Gumprecht turned up at the post-season thrash for his football team, Australia’s Central Coast Mariners, in a Hitler costume, complete with “distinctive Hitler-style moustache.”

As news of Mr Gumprecht’s costume leaked out, the area suddenly decided it didn’t care much for either German. Ben Buckley, head of the Australian FA, even went so far as to call the outfit “stupid”.

Mr Gumprecht, while contrite, blamed his decision on the lack of options available to a German trying to operate in Australian cultural space, especially when it comes to fancy dress. “Being a German it’s very sad,” he said, “but when you talk about Germans in Australia or anywhere then straight away people call you a Nazi or Hitler, because that’s the only thing they know about Germany.”

Russell Crowe not involved for once

The annual tradition of Croat rowdiness at the Aussie Open has been enthusiastically upheld at this year’s tournament, when a motley crew of around 100 Balkan tennis fans threw flares at mounted police outside the stadium complex, to the chant of “all cops are bastards”.

Several violent disagreements between Serb and Croat supporters interrupted last year’s event, and the Australian police have introduced tough measures to try to prevent the former Yugoslavia’s ethnic and political tensions from overshadowing the lovely tennis this time round.

Those tough measures included asking the flare throwers to quieten down as they entered the venue, and fans guilty of bad behaviour courtside will be banned from the tennis for 24 hours. Y’hear that, you rapscallions? You’ll have to wait a whole day before you can come back in to set off more flares and chant about the similarities between your former neighbours and lady dogs – be warned!

The best sports programming this weekend

It’s that unmistakable time of year when Christmas decorations come down and minnow clubs up and down the land build up a huge sense of false expectation. This morning’s Sun backs Southern League Division One side Chasetown with a back page and double-page spread, but will support from the country’s most-loved red top be enough to overcome Cardiff? See how they fare in Saturday’s Match of the Day, and catch

Tune into the best programming on the telebox tonight

For those who have to work for a living, today’s re-introduction to the office has been a shock to the system. You may have missed another Steve Martin film by leaving the house today, but find solace in two facts: there’s some quality sports on the box tonight, and Steve Martin isn’t funny anymore anyway.

Football
Bolton Wanderers/ Derby County (Sky Sports 1, 8pm)

Cricket
Australia/ India (Second Test, Sky Sports 1, 11.30pm)