Beijing officials insist all food must be sourced within China

Olympic athletes frequently have highly specialist dietary requirements, and thus were expecting to bring their body fuel with them to Beijing in three months time. Olympic officials, however, wish for visitors to fully embrace Chinese culture, and will do so by eating their steroid-filled meat and insecticide-laden veg.

The food ban has hit no one harder than the Australians, who were looking forward to coating every meal in Vegemite (a vulgar concoction similar to Marmite). Between sips of lager, Aussie Olympic team