Schweini’s thoughtful post-match reflection ruined by jubilant flag sarong wearing opponents

Poor old Bastian Schweinsteiger. Here he is trying to fight back tears of disappointment as he explains his nation’s failure to capture the Henri Delaunay trophy, when a group of chirpy Spaniards come and conga all over his broken dreams.

Still, at least he has Sarah Brandner to go home to.

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If Wenger doesn’t need new defenders, then what does he need?

While Tottenham have got to work early and spent big on Luka Modric and Giovani dos Santos, Arsenal are still on the starting blocks, with the first sign of any transfer activity at the Emirates being quickly shot down by Arsene Wenger:

“I have been interested in Vincent Kompany ever since he was 16, but I am not interested in him this year. There is nobody I need for my team’s defensive department.”

Which of course prompts the question: what’s the point of tracking someone for six years if you have no intention to signing them? By acting much like a flirtatious girl who makes you believe she’s the one but who will quickly break your heart, perhaps Arsene is telling us he simply enjoys the thrill of the chase.

Anyway, Arsenal’s reticence to invest has spurred The Spoiler to consider where each London club needs to improve next season.

So we did a think and then gone wrote it down:

Chelsea

Top priority:
Flair players - Big Phil hasn’t just been brought to Chelsea to win trophies, he’s expected to bring some Brazilian flair to the job and make the Blues exciting to watch as well as being scarily efficient.

Fitting the bill: Ronaldinho, Kaka, Franck Ribery

Arsenal

Top priority:
Depth in midfield - Diarra then Flamini have gone, Hleb’s inconsistent, Rosicky’s injured, Gilberto’s past his best and Fabregas got tired last year so it’s clear that Arsenal need to bolster their midfield, and potentially bring in a new keeper.

Fitting the bill: Gareth Barry, Samir Nasri, Hatem Ben Arfa, Bastian Schweinsteiger

West Ham

Top priority:
New medical team/left-winger - Take away the dozen injuries West Ham had for most of last season and they’ve got perhaps the biggest squad in the league.

The left wing is a problem though: the fans turned on Boa Morte and he wants out while Etherington is always injured.

Fitting the bill: Stephen Hunt, Damien Duff, Pablo Aimar

Tottenham

Top priority:
New goalkeeper and striker

Simone Lambe and Petra Frings told to stay at home

Last week, we revealed that Croatia is a Pro-WAG nation - players have been banned from seeing friends at their Euro 2008 camp, but have been permitted as many conjugal visits as they please. As a result, they’ve pulled off a perfect record, including a shock victory over the Germans.

Despite this shining example of WAGs working in perfect harmony with a national side, Michael Ballack has declared war on his nations supporting ladies, insisting they are the reason behind Germany’s shaky start:

Skipper Michael Ballack is furious that his team-mates have been seeing too much of their wives and girlfriends.

Ballack and his senior sidekick Torsten Frings were still fuming that the rest of the squad spent the day after their defeat against Croatia last week - which left their quarter-final place

German TV personality whose surname is almost rude

At this point in the history of WAG of the Day, the Germans are an overlooked people: to my knowledge, only Sarah Brandner - girlfriend of the recently disgraced Bastian Schweinsteiger - represents them. Well, die Deutschen may be proud to see their WAG count doubled today, as model, popstar and TV presenter Annemarie Warnkross joins the list. If she hadn’t recently left him for a German soapstar, she’d be with Germany and Real Madrid defender Christoph Metzelder, probably trying to comfort him through his nation’s mixed Euro 2008 fortunes.

Euro 2008 favourites capable of some fine Waggery

The Spoiler’s mission to unearth the hottest WAGs of Euro 2008 has lead to nineteen-year-old Sarah Brandner, partner of German midfielder Bastian Schweinsteiger. The fugly Bayern Munich star has had five girlfriends in the past year-and-a-half, but insists that he has found happiness with his latest beau: “she has played a big part in my performances lately,” he insists.

If you’re reading this on Thursday morning, welcome brother/sister, the sun is still nice and shiny (although we just heard thunder) and free love rules. If it’s Thursday evening/ Friday morning, please help, we’re hiding in an alleyway just behind the office, and there’s a big guffawing clown with blonde hair stomping around saying he owns London and punching people in the face. Call the police.

The final day of freedom’s transfers read thusly:

Micah Richards to Manchester United
The growing hum in the north is that Micah Richards might dare to cross the City/United divide, and spend next season making Wes Brown totally regret signing a new contract. Apparently he has been sickened by his club’s treatment on gentle Sven - and for a humble £23 million, he may be keen to experience a whole new world of angry locals.

Leo Messi to Manchester United
The more sluttish United supporters have decided that Messi may actually be sexier than Ronaldo. The solution: dump Ronaldo, get Messi! They are naughty.

Michael Johnson to Arsenal
Arsene Wenger is so sick and tired of everyone telling him that no one in his side is from England, that he may yet be driven to buying Gareth Barry AND Michael Johnson in an unruly spending rage. Then everyone can shut up, and the promising midfielders can join Richard Wright and Francis Jeffers on the secret list of English players who shouldn’t have gone to Arsenal.