Scolari wants every single big name player in the world, apparently

The newspapers should just ‘fess up and admit it - they haven’t a clue who which players Luiz Felipe Scolari would like to bring to Chelsea. Naturally, they have all assumed the Brazilian will want to load the squad with his fellow countrymen - The Sun fancy Ronaldinho to come for £20m and £120k a week (a damn site cheaper than the supposed Manchester City asking price), while The Guardian believe Kaka will be strolling over to West London, in exchange for a £60m slice of Abramovich’s bottomless kitty.

The Guardian also claims that Fernando Torres could become subject to Big Phil’s fiery temper next year - the unlikely move could ease Liverpool’s financial woes, but the Kop faithful would probably sooner burn a couple of Americans at the stake than let their prettyboy striker go. That said, the Spanish press linked him with a move to Chelsea over a month ago.

Not wanting to be left out in all the madness, middle England housewives’ favourite The Daily Mail have waded in by suggesting that Franck Ribery is also ‘flattered by their formal approach’.

Other players linked with the club since Scolari’s arrival include Barcelona’s Deco and Samuel Eto’o, and also Spurs target David Villa.

For a man who is currently engrossed in the process of winning a European Championships and has only been formally linked with Chelsea for two days, this seems like an awful lot of transfer inquiries.

So which rumours do you believe? Let us know who you think will be at The Bridge next season with a comment below.

[Picture: The Sun]

Today’s transfer gossip, assessed and dissected just for you

Precious little Alex Hleb last month claimed his sensitive eardrums couldn’t handle the bustle of urban life in London, and he now seeks a more serene atmosphere. If the rumours of a move to Barcelona are true, however, he will find anything but the peace and quiet he seeks: in the Catalan city, honking at all hours is considered a national pastime, shouting is the preferred method of communication and the bars are completely full of loutish British stag parties every weekend. Enjoy the relative calm of London while you can, Alex.

Alex Hleb to Barcelona or maybe Bayern Munich
The honeymooning star has been linked with absolutely everyone in the past few weeks, even Rushden and Diamonds have a shot at landing him. His agent says: “The only transfer Alexander is making at the moment is from the hotel to the beach and back.”

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: He’ll be linked to AC or Roma tomorrow

Gareth Barry to Liverpool
Those Real Madrid-esque bullies, using Steven Gerrard as bait, have finally turned Barry’s head and the Villa captain has told his club he wants out. Liverpool are expected to up their offer today.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Seems likely now

Justin Hoyte to Aston Villa
A miserable day for Villa fans may get worse if they sign Arsenal’s other Englishman. You know, the guy that plays even less than Theo Walcott and sometimes gets in the Arsenal League Cup team.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: If it gets any bleaker, O’Leary will be back!

Luis Felipe Scolari to Chelsea
“Big Phil” has revealed

Bayern Munich stars give expert class in one-upmanship

The final game of Group C, aka the ‘Group of Death’, will see hunky Luca Toni’s Italy take on not-so-hunky Franck Ribery’s France. As a precursor to this hotly anticipated match, the Bayern Munich stars have filmed a bizarre football-based slanging match at the Allianz arena. It all kicks off when Ribery’s French national anthem ringtone causes Toni to display his patriotic T-Shirt, and it escalates into a display of athletic prowess all around the Allianz Arena, peppered with mildly xenophobic comments. If you want to know what they say, someone has translated it in the comments here.

It’s a slow news day when we post a video in French (with a little German and Italian), but hey, what do you want us to talk about? Women’s softball? Baby racing? Actually, baby racing looks pretty awesome…

[Sexy video source: The Beautiful Game]

Euro 2008 favourites capable of some fine Waggery

The Spoiler’s mission to unearth the hottest WAGs of Euro 2008 has lead to nineteen-year-old Sarah Brandner, partner of German midfielder Bastian Schweinsteiger. The fugly Bayern Munich star has had five girlfriends in the past year-and-a-half, but insists that he has found happiness with his latest beau: “she has played a big part in my performances lately,” he insists.

Brilliant, it’s a bank holiday! Which, of course, means an extra night of drinking, fighting and lurching home head-first muttering swear words under your breath. Another day of waking up in a hedge wondering why your shins ache, another day of mooching around the town centre blissfully unaware that someone graffitied “twat” on your forehead in pen while you were stoned. Have fun, everyone! But before you get your first pint in, why not peruse today’s transfer rumours… give yourself something to talk about.

Dean Ashton to Manchester United
Ashton has only just dislodged Carlton Cole as the first-choice striker at West Ham, and even then his own fans aren’t entirely convinced that it was a good idea. Something tells us that Rooney and Tevez won’t be stomping into Ferguson’s office tearfully demanding answers when they get wind of this one.

Kasey Keller to Bayern Munich
Now that Oliver Kahn is well into his 60s, it might be time to hand the batton over to a younger gent - like, say, 57-year-old Kasey Keller. Nice idea, Germans.

Former warlord sent henchmen to spray meddling UEFA-crat with bullets. Gulp!

The Serbian television station B92 has reported that the late Serbian psychopath and terrorist Arkan, who was wanted for war crimes by the International Tribunal in the Hague when he was himself shot dead in 1999, should have had another charge added to his record of infamy: the attempted assassination of former UEFA President Lennart Johansson.

In 1998, Arkan, real name Zeljko Raznatovic, liked to wind down from spreading terror throughout the Balkans by spreading terror through Serbian football as owner of FC Obilic. Indeed, so successful was his campaign of intimidation, which involved tricks such as locking opposition players in a garage when Obilic came to town, that his side qualified for

He obviously wasn’t invited to the Manchester United Christmas party

In an audience with Giancarlo Abete, head of the Italian Football League, and a delegation of Serie D clubs (that’s Italian for Blue Square conference north), Pope Benedict XVI claimed that football can teach young people important lessons in life.

Sir Alex Ferguson’s counterpart in the Catholic church claimed that

Bayern Munich star does nothing for the reputation of mad German goalies

This week, Oliver Kahn has made an excellent contribution to the realm of thinly-disguised passive aggressive insults, with an outburst against foreign players in his team. Try to guess which ones he refers to:

“The new players need to get used to our high expectations. […] It’s not enough to make a bright start — one or two players have to learn that two or three good games aren’t enough. […] Bayern is not