Someone needs a new lover…

Well, that Nereida Gallardo’s at it again - stomping around on beaches showing the world her bosoms. As reiterated on numerous occasions, The Spoiler has a degree in womanology, and she’s showing all the signs of a lady pining for her ex: showing off her bod, pretending to kiss other men, getting a tattoo on her wrist to show her devotion, frolicking with women (pictured). The girl is in bits.

To catch the latest pics, go to The Sun. Or to relive some old days, here’s her doing the whole topless thing about a week ago.

And we know exactly what it is…

[click picture to enlarge]

As mentioned many times before, The Spoiler is a woman expert. We can read all the signals - the sighs, the yelling, the weeping in the bathroom, the kissing. Hence, when Nereida Gallardo parades her bosoms about a Mallorcan beach, we know exactly what she’s up to - she’s trying to makes us (or more specifically, Cristiano Ronaldo) jealous.

All the time she was with Ronaldo, there wasn’t a beachy breast in sight, barely even a stray nipple, but now that he’s hopped into bed with a steamy Italian woman, she can barely even keep them in. In woman’s speak this would be called “showing that stupid bastard what he’s missing”. And she’d mean it.

Be afraid, gentlemen.

More disturbing images after the jump…

If in doubt, use the tongue

As anyone who has ever lingered in a changing room after a football match already knows, the conversations are pretty racy. You start with a rundown of the game, then before you know it you’re exchanging sex tips and doing that thing with your towel where you whip naked men in a totally non-gay way. Pictured above is Jens Lehmann putting into action one of the priceless sex tips he picked up at the Arsenal. Probably from Henry or Ljungberg.

“Seriously, just show her your tongue, Jens - works every time.”

Sensitive readers, this isn’t for you, just go…

Accuse The Spoiler of many things, but don’t you ever say that we don’t understand women. We do - we feel their pain. Sometimes we even know what they’re going through. Take Nereida Gallardo for example: just last week, that woman was on top of the world, she had a boyfriend with shiny hair, brilliant swimming trunks, and a gold card. And now? Nothing. Just a great body and no one to touch it. Not even Sergio Ramos, and normally he’d touch absolutely anything.

Hence, when we stumbled across these pictures of Nereida putting a brave face on things by heading to the beach to frolic around, we weren’t surprised. Even seeing that she’d taken a girlfriend along for the ride didn’t shock us, because we know that nothing says “seriously, I’m totally fine” like smearing lotion onto another woman in a bikini. Whilst pretending to laugh.

Poor, sweet Nereida.

We hope you’re happy, Cristiano! Look at her. Totally destroyed.

More painful pictures after the jump… if you can bear it.

… the bird to irritating photographers

Until yesterday, Cristiano Ronaldo was only too happy to let the world see his collection of hideously short shorts, and his pneumatic (and officially not hot) girlfriend Nereida Gallardo.

But now things have turned ugly. A group of his friends (probably courted from Facebook) flooded a boat carrying pesky paparazzi, and then the tricky winger gave a rude hand gesture, which our American cousins inexplicably refer to as ‘flipping the bird’.

Personally, I’m glad he’s started to shake things up. His never-ending holiday was starting to look as boring as the Rooney honeymoon…

[Machochip]

Man Utd star straddles his other inflatable plastic friend

Showing his obvious fondness for ‘frolicking’, the world’s vainest man got to grips with a purple and yellow deer thing yesterday while enjoying the Sardinian coastline.

While C-Ron’s regression to a childlike state is charming to see, his choice of swimwear is not. The tricky winger has graduated from tucking his boardshorts into themselves, to the sort of minuscule swimwear that only Scandinavians deem appropriate for public use:

More pictures of Ronaldo’s Casino Royale trunks and Nereida’s latest skimpies after the jump…

Sexy couple goes sunbathing, people take pictures

Caught in the whirlwind of a Ferguson rage, about to embark on a mission entitled “turn all Man United fans against me”, only recently spat out of Euro 2008 and straight into The Spoiler’s most disappointing XI, Cristiano Ronaldo would be wise to rest up while he can. And so he has. In boiling hot Italy no less, with the sturdy young woman currently lugging around his heavy heart in her back pocket. Her name, of course, is Nereida Gallardo - you probably know her as the most popular WAG on the planet. Regardless of the fact that she has the look of a woman who likes her eggs raw and by the dozen.

More steamy holiday pics after the jump.

UK’s finest take note…

WAGs are funny. So tanned, so moisturised, so pretty, but informally ask one if she’s going to remove her top any time soon, and the air will suddenly chill - it’s as if you’ve said something wrong/inappropriate. Weird.

One WAG who isn’t so uptight when it comes to removing clothes, however, is Sweden’s Oksana Andersson - singer, model, resting place for Deportivo’s Christian Wilhemsson. You won’t find her sneering down her nose at the thought of going topless on the beach, and, not only that, but she won’t even dump her boyfriend for making abominable fashion blunders like shorts-with-braces (above). What a gal!

See what happens when Oksana no longer requires the top half of her bikini after the jump…

His name is Rio etc…

We’ve already been treated to the Ferdinand brothers in their going-out holiday clothes - Rio, in particular, was experimenting with see-through materials. But now, here they are teaching the average gent how to enjoy some quality Tel Aviv beach time during the day. See how Rio casually takes his cocktail into the sea with him? That’s the sign of a very confident swimmer. Or someone who’s drunk.