Manchester City star brings Copacabana to Cheshire

Foreign Premiership players each have their own way of treating home sickness - Ryan Babel collects clogs, Tim Cahill likes to relax among his stuffed koalas and Cristiano Ronaldo does it with prostitutes.

Robinho has devised his own way of bringing a bit of Brazil to the UK by having a shipment of sand delivered to his home, for the purpose of playing beach football. His neighbours must be delighted:

“The Manchester City forward, 25, has clubbed together with Brazilian team-mates Elano, Glauber Berti and Jo to create the pitch.The sand will be laid out in the grounds of his new Cheshire mansion.”

We admire Robinho’s inventiveness, but we’re not convinced that beach football is well suited to a place where it seldom stops raining.

Hands up who used to fancy this buxom young chap…

Remember Nereida Gallardo? She was the sturdy young thing who spent the most part of the Spring enduring Cristiano Ronaldo’s endless French kisses. She had the look of a fantastic WAG about her, the pair were spotted getting off on yachts, sun loungers, beaches, on pavements, in cars, on water motorbikes, both smeared from head to toe in baby oil… and then she just disappeared.

The Spoiler has missed her tremendously. But thankfully, she has poked her head up from whatever set of bedsheets she’s been sweating beneath to set a few things straight about Man United’s fancy young winger. From what we can gather, the steamy twosome had a relationship purely based on intense lovemaking - “life was only Playstation, movies on TV and sex”, “we had sex on the first night we met” - and he decided to finish things on the phone. By text.

For another take on things, head to Kickette.

More Nereida after the jump…

Someone needs a new lover…

Well, that Nereida Gallardo’s at it again - stomping around on beaches showing the world her bosoms. As reiterated on numerous occasions, The Spoiler has a degree in womanology, and she’s showing all the signs of a lady pining for her ex: showing off her bod, pretending to kiss other men, getting a tattoo on her wrist to show her devotion, frolicking with women (pictured). The girl is in bits.

To catch the latest pics, go to The Sun. Or to relive some old days, here’s her doing the whole topless thing about a week ago.

And we know exactly what it is…

[click picture to enlarge]

As mentioned many times before, The Spoiler is a woman expert. We can read all the signals - the sighs, the yelling, the weeping in the bathroom, the kissing. Hence, when Nereida Gallardo parades her bosoms about a Mallorcan beach, we know exactly what she’s up to - she’s trying to makes us (or more specifically, Cristiano Ronaldo) jealous.

All the time she was with Ronaldo, there wasn’t a beachy breast in sight, barely even a stray nipple, but now that he’s hopped into bed with a steamy Italian woman, she can barely even keep them in. In woman’s speak this would be called “showing that stupid bastard what he’s missing”. And she’d mean it.

Be afraid, gentlemen.

More disturbing images after the jump…

If in doubt, use the tongue

As anyone who has ever lingered in a changing room after a football match already knows, the conversations are pretty racy. You start with a rundown of the game, then before you know it you’re exchanging sex tips and doing that thing with your towel where you whip naked men in a totally non-gay way. Pictured above is Jens Lehmann putting into action one of the priceless sex tips he picked up at the Arsenal. Probably from Henry or Ljungberg.

“Seriously, just show her your tongue, Jens - works every time.”

Sensitive readers, this isn’t for you, just go…

Accuse The Spoiler of many things, but don’t you ever say that we don’t understand women. We do - we feel their pain. Sometimes we even know what they’re going through. Take Nereida Gallardo for example: just last week, that woman was on top of the world, she had a boyfriend with shiny hair, brilliant swimming trunks, and a gold card. And now? Nothing. Just a great body and no one to touch it. Not even Sergio Ramos, and normally he’d touch absolutely anything.

Hence, when we stumbled across these pictures of Nereida putting a brave face on things by heading to the beach to frolic around, we weren’t surprised. Even seeing that she’d taken a girlfriend along for the ride didn’t shock us, because we know that nothing says “seriously, I’m totally fine” like smearing lotion onto another woman in a bikini. Whilst pretending to laugh.

Poor, sweet Nereida.

We hope you’re happy, Cristiano! Look at her. Totally destroyed.

More painful pictures after the jump… if you can bear it.

… the bird to irritating photographers

Until yesterday, Cristiano Ronaldo was only too happy to let the world see his collection of hideously short shorts, and his pneumatic (and officially not hot) girlfriend Nereida Gallardo.

But now things have turned ugly. A group of his friends (probably courted from Facebook) flooded a boat carrying pesky paparazzi, and then the tricky winger gave a rude hand gesture, which our American cousins inexplicably refer to as ‘flipping the bird’.

Personally, I’m glad he’s started to shake things up. His never-ending holiday was starting to look as boring as the Rooney honeymoon…

[Machochip]

Man Utd star straddles his other inflatable plastic friend

Showing his obvious fondness for ‘frolicking’, the world’s vainest man got to grips with a purple and yellow deer thing yesterday while enjoying the Sardinian coastline.

While C-Ron’s regression to a childlike state is charming to see, his choice of swimwear is not. The tricky winger has graduated from tucking his boardshorts into themselves, to the sort of minuscule swimwear that only Scandinavians deem appropriate for public use:

More pictures of Ronaldo’s Casino Royale trunks and Nereida’s latest skimpies after the jump…