From the exact same people who brought you Being Coleen’s friend, part one: The secret agony and Being Coleen’s friend, part two: Step aside, everyone

As established, it’s not easy being Coleen’s friend. She makes you feel badly dressed with her smooth sense of style, she’ll happily barge in and destroy your big day, and she berates lowly McDonalds workers for not having lobster on the menu. Presumably.

But even worse than all of the above are her intrusive phone calls at all hours of the day/night. In the above picture, she is lounging around in a stateside swimming pool, casually phoning one of her pals to brag about how boiling hot it is, and how much money she just spent on lunch. All the while ignoring that it’s the middle of the night in dreary old Blighty, and the sad voice at the end of the line needs to be up at 7am to trudge to their lowly day job, praying that something exciting might happen for once. Please, just anything. Even something bad.

These drop-everything-and-listen-to-my-incessant-boasting phone calls can take place anywhere from twelve times a day, to not at all for three months. It all depends whether Coleen can be bothered to like you any more.

From the exact same people who brought you Being Coleen’s friend, part one: The secret agony

Once again, close your eyes, friend. Picture yourself as one of Coleen McLoughlin’s closest, and probably coolest, acquaintances.

You get to see all the outfits she wastes, all the strong alcoholic cocktails she orders with absolutely no intention of drinking. And worst of all, when you’re finally booked in to play that DJ set you always dreamed of at the H Bar in Liverpool, in she steams to take over, as you look on, forlornly. A broken man. There’s nothing you can do though. She’s Coleen McLoughlin, for God’s sake. You’re just some guy who wanted to play a few records.

Step aside, Coleen coming through! Step aside!

Damn it, we were going to buy a yellow top!

Ever wondered what it must be like to be a WAG? No, us neither. How about a friend of a WAG? Yeah, us too! It must be awful - them with all their nice clothes and wealthy boyfriends, you with your outfits beamed in from last season and no boyfriend. Oh the agony!

To emphasise the point, we’ve dug out a picture of Coleen McLoughlin featuring a shadowy blonde girl lurking in the background. See how her hungry eyes devour every detail of Mrs Rooney’s new look? She will literally go home and yell to the sweet baby Jesus to deliver her a strappy bag and garish see-through top with a frilly bit on the front before sunrise. All the while bashing things up like one of those crazy monkeys in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

But careful what you wish for, woman. By the time your new clothes arrive, Coleen will be onto something else. Something light and feathery, we expect.

That’s just how fashion works.

Get another take on things over at Kickette.