Boss Dick Advocaat maintains hardline policy…

New Belgium manager Dick Advocaat was brought into whip an unbelievably underachieving squad into shape, and he’s taking his job pretty seriously. Marouane Fellaini is already a marked man, having missed a match to go to the dentist and reported for training in the wrong coloured socks.

Now Vincent Kompany has felt Dick’s wrath, being told to pack his bags after failing to get back in time from his grandmother’s funeral in Brussels, as Belgium were preparing for last night’s clash with Qatar.

The latest transfer gossip, rumours and damned lies

Carlos Tevez to Chelsea
Carlo Ancelotti is “demanding” that his new side land the services of the clubless Argentinean, say the Daily Mail. Both Chelsea and Manchester City have matched the £25.5m asking price, but Abramovich may have to let a couple of his yacht staff go if he wants to compete on the wages front.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: As exciting as a move to another big four club sounds, we’re not convinced Tevez will be willing to leave Manchester. He would be guaranteed regular first team football at City, and he has just enrolled his daughter at a posh private school near his home.

Steven Defour to Everton
The Independent believe David Moyes will follow up the Toffees’ rejected £9m bid for the Standard Liege midfielder with an improved £13m offer.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: Defour has indicated

A fine supporting lady from the land of Poirot and dullness

As the writers of the excellent In Bruges are keen to stress, absolutely nothing interesting happens in Belgium. Nothing at all. That said, France’s boring neighbour does have an emerging WAG scene, represented by underwear-clad luminaries such as Caroline Van Espen. The 26-year-old model is the supporting lady of goalkeeper Mark Volders, who plays for R.E. Mouscron in Belgium’s top flight.

Belgium finally produces something interesting

Anyone who has seen In Bruges will be frightfully aware that nothing interesting ever happens in Belgium. Occasionally, however, ladies from the land of Hercule Poirot and waffles agree to take their clothes of in front of the cameras - one such lady is Jessica Bailly. She is married to Borussia Mönchengladbach goalkeeper Logan Bailly, and they have a three-year-old daughter named Destiny.

It’s Persia’s hottest supporting lady

American-Belgian defender Oguchi Onyewu hardly set the Premier League alight in his eleven appearances at Newcastle Utd in 2007, but the man they call “Gooch” has done spectacularly well in the WAG department. The Standard Liege man is currently stepping out with Salomé Khorasanchi, a Tehranian model/ entrepreneur with whom he has done some fierce underwear modelling (see evidence after the jump)…

Marouane Fellaini gets in trouble because he is big, apparently

If The Spoiler were to head out on to Oxford Street and ask 100 people to name the ten most recognisable faces in the Premier League, not a single person would mention Marouane Fellaini. Everton boss Steve Round, however, believes his memorable visage is the reason why he has picked up eight bookings in twelve league games this term:

“He’s disappointed with how many bookings he’s had and has put that down to inexperience. But we’ve also put it down to the fact he’s quite recognisable.

“I think referees need to book him on merit rather than because it’s ‘big’ Fellaini.

It’s very sweet of Round to stick up for Fellaini and his reprehensible hairstyle, but the reason for the Belgian’s constant cautions is quite simple: he commits a shitload of fouls.

A can of worms has been opened, folks

Photo: PA

Sheffield United’s successful tribunal ruling against West Ham could cost the Hammers £30m in compensation, and it also sets a dangerous precedent for results on the pitch being overruled by men in suits. The Spoiler decided to examine other potential footballing matters that could end up being settled by lawyers:

1) Watford miss out on the play-offs by a point

The Football League have decided there will be no replay of Saturday’s Watford/Reading match, despite the fact that the Royal’s opener was clearly not a goal. If Watford end up finishing just outside the play-off places, or if Reading wind up just inside them - does that give Watford the right to sue the Football League, the referee and the linesman?

2) Germany claim the 1966 World Cup

Sheffield United were able to win their case relying predominantly on ‘what ifs’, rather than solid facts. Imagine how successful a Germany appeal could be when they have digitally-enhanced evidence that Geoff Hurst’s second goal didn’t cross the line - another example of West Ham cheating!

3) England gain passage to the 1986 World Cup semi-finals

Maybe England could compensate for losing that World Cup by sueing Argentina for Diego Maradona’s

This man stands between you and the goal…

The big UEFA Cup news is that Everton have drawn Standard Liege in the first round. That’s one tough draw. All made slightly less terrifying by the emergence of some pictures of the Belgian team’s enormous centre back, Oguchialu Jacob Onyewu - otherwise known as Gooch - and his lady friend, draping themselves around the house. Everton will, of course, respond to these taunts by sending over pictures of Yobo and Jagielka flower arranging at a church fair, or Lescott whispering secrets to a kitten.

For another take on things, head over to Kickette.

Another worrying picture after the jump…