Los Blancos stars splash out to treat friends and family to the prawn sandwich experience

Spanish paper Sport today report that Kaka and Cristiano Ronaldo have respectively diverted some of their church donation and prostitute purchasing money to buy executive boxes at the Bernabeu.

A luxury box located in one of the stadium’s five ‘Torreones’ (columns located in the third tier) cost a whopping €238,820 for a season, and club legend Raul already owns one of them. They are accessible by private lifts, have their own bars and toilets, and can seat up to twenty people. They would be the perfect way to enjoy a match if they weren’t bloody miles from the pitch.

After flogging his fleet of Manchester-based cars, Sport also report that C-Ron has bagged himself a new ride.

In lieu of actual people turning up, Los Blancos put up a makeshift 1950s crowd montage

After drawing in 50,000 madridistas for Kaka’s unveiling and a whopping 80,000 for Cristiano Ronaldo’s Bernabeu debut, the pressure was on Karim Benzema to put Spanish bums on seats at his initiation ceremony last night.

A fairly impressive 20,000 fans showed up - a reasonable figure in proportion to his transfer fee and status - but conniving Madrid officials tried to trick us into thinking the Bernabeu was packed out with this fake crowd backdrop. You may have fooled those with a black and white TV licence Florentino, but not The Spoiler. We went colour years ago.

When he was given the microphone, the young Frenchman revealed his excitement at playing at the club of his idols Zinedine Zidane and Ronaldo (presumably fat Ronaldo), and like the Portuguese man-o’-sex, signed off with a rousing “Hala Madrid!”

Nearly 80,000 fans turn up to greet world’s most expensive player

If you thought the media fanfare surrounding Kaka’s unveiling was excessive, it was nothing compared to the spectacle that saw Cristiano Ronaldo welcomed to Real Madrid.

Just under 80,000 fans piled into the Bernabeu for a glimpse of their latest box office signing, and some could barely contain their excitement: plenty of the balding, middle-aged security staff were called into action as hysterical fans raced onto the pitch to try and touch the tricky winger.

Rather than attempt to wrestle the hallowed number seven shirt away from Raul, Ronaldo has been given the number nine squad number. Fortunately, he trademarked the CR9 moniker back in January.

After receiving an introduction from Florentino Perez, C-Ron led the crowd with a shout of ‘Hala Madrid’, before doing some keep-ups like a performing monkey. Unfortunately, his abilities temporarily escaped him, and he lost control of the ball.

Check out footage from Cristiano’s first press conference after the jump. Our personal highlight: when asked who the best player in the world is, Kaka, Messi or himself, Ronaldo replies, “Madrid.”

Los Blancos show the world one of their new employees

Last night, Real Madrid held a press conference to unveil their second biggest summer signing, some chap called Kaka. Around 50,000 ‘madridistas’ piled into the Bernabéu for a glimpse of their new hero dressed in white, which is more than the average attendances of all but two Premier League clubs last season.

Kaka was tipped to take on the number 5 shirt, making him the third consecutive world player of the year to wear it (after Fabio Cannavaro and Zinedine Zidane). However, it was revealed that he will wear number 8, and Fernando ‘Lady’ Gago will inherit the hallowed number 5, as it is said to be a “very special number” for the Argentinean.

The Brazilian made a very brief speech to the fawning crowd:

“Today it is a very special day for me, I am very happy that this new stage of my career is in Real Madrid. My desire is to have my name in the history of this club, with victories and conquests.”

One man who is hoping for conquests of a very different kind is Cristiano Ronaldo (seamless link, eh?). He was supposed to be unveiled yesterday too, but his press conference has been put back until Monday, presumably so they can build a stage big enough for his ego. This morning, Madrid paid Manchester £80m in full for The Portuguese winger’s services.

Spoiler bonus: Check out video of Kaka’s big day after the jump…

Spanish striker says the atmosphere won’t affect Real Madrid

When Juande Ramos claimed that the massively overhyped “famous Anfield roar” would have no effect on Real Madrid, it was widely considered to be a petty mind-game but his opinion has been backed up by Fernando Torres.

The Real Madrid boss said that visiting Liverpool would be no more special than experiencing the Bernabeu, Nou Camp or San Siro and his compatriot Torres has agreed that the home crowd won’t have much of an impact. He said:

“Anfield is special, but they won’t fear the scenery. The players of Madrid have played in the better stadiums, in the better competitions and it’s not going to impress them.”

[Metro]

Look what they’re putting on the back of his shirt

The picture may look like a bad photoshop (the name isn’t even in the middle!), but  Lassana Diarra genuinely paraded his new shirt at a Bernabeu press conference today. To avoid confusion with Real Madrid namesake Mahamadou, the French midfielder will wear the name ‘Lass’ on his back.

It’s quite common for players to put their first name on their shirt in Spain, but something tells us he wouldn’t get away with “Lass” in the Premier League…

La Liga champions knocked out of cup by minnows

Last night, Real Madrid beat Segunda División B Basque minnows Real Unión 4-3 at the Bernabéu, but crashed out of the Cope del Rey on away goals after losing the first leg 3-2. It represents the first time Los Blancos - who fielded many first team stars including Raul and Wesley Sneijder - have been knocked out of the cup by a third-tier side at home.

The Spanish press are claiming the defeat is the most shameful in Real Madrid’s long and illustrious history, and a poll on Marca’s website (which is a Madrid-based sport newspaper) shows that over 75 per cent of fans believe it is the biggest embarrassment the club has ever faced.

This is the type of defeat that would normally see a La Liga manager lose his job, and Bernd Schuster appears to be feeling the heat. After the game, he defended himself: “I’m not worried about my job, but it is understandable that others have doubts about my work.”

If Madrid do decide to appoint a new gaffer, they will undoubtedly pick one of the biggest names in the game, and probably someone who is currently employed elsewhere. Could Mr Benitez be heading back to his home city? Or maybe Mr Ferguson - we hear he is very popular in the Spanish capital…

Rubbish team will strike, but English club could save the day

Fresh from a bizarre centre circle protest last week, relegated Levante are planning to ruin Real Madrid’s championship celebrations on Sunday. Players of the financially-troubled club, who are owed around 18million Euros in wages, are unapologetic about a plan to strike and spoil Real’s big day. Captain Luis Manuel Rubiales said:

“Madrid has fans all over Spain, including in our team, and we are the last ones to want to cause it [sic] trouble.”

Levante has not been training all week and are adamant they will not play the league game, which means Madrid will be awarded all three points. If they find themselves contractually obliged to show up for a friendly tie, however, the players also have a scheme to enrage the Bernabeu faithful: according to some Spanish reports, they will field seven players (the minimum