Striker fails to trim down during summer of excess

It’s obviously a slow news day, as the two big stories in the papers are Rio Ferdinand’s Stamford Bridge steward kicking incident (which happened three months ago) and Wayne Rooney’s expanding waistline. The Sun claim the Manchester Utd striker’s summer of laying stagnant in a pool, emerging only to drink and eat fast food, has had a serious effect on his physique. He looked a bit portly in a friendly against Aberdeen this weekend, but wasn’t he always a little more rotund than is desirable for a professional footballer?

If you want to see a striker who has really been piling it on, check out this guy:

Ronaldo, whose contract with AC Milan ended two weeks ago, is pictured testing the tensile strength of a yacht in Ibiza. It looks like he and pregnant WAG Bia Anthony are really enjoying the local cuisine…

Porky striker slays the dragon named dignity in Ibiza

After seeing his Portuguese namesake sport some unecessarily tiny swimwear in Sardinia, Brazilian Ronaldo has decided to up the sexy stakes by showing the world his super-hot skimpy pants.

The AC Milan star - said to have been released by his club following a season-ending knee injury - yesterday sat aboard a yacht in Ibiza displaying a belly that would make Ronaldinho proud. The ‘Kramer’ hairstyle really tops off a look befitting of a megastar whose dating record includes supermodels, TV presenters and various other ladies who wouldn’t touch him with a ten-foot ugly stick if he wasn’t famous.

The lady averting her eyes from the sight of his growing paunch is WAG Bia Anthony, who is rumoured to be pregnant. Obviously his stunning physique and unfaltering loyalty have made her forgive him for solicitng transvestite prostitutes.

See the sexiest picture of the summer after the jump…

Hot girlfriend and Nike angry at Ronaldo’s transvestite adventures

I’m no expert, but it is my understanding that attempting to conduct drug-fuelled sex parties with transvestite prostitutes can be detrimental to a relationship. Ronaldo (the buck-toothed one, not the Nereida Gallardo-boffing one) has learnt this lesson the hard way, as long-term girlfriend Maria Beatriz Anthony - who has no penis - has walked out on him:

According to Brazilian paper “Extra”, Maria Beatriz Antony, who lived with Ronaldo up to a few days ago, returned to her parents in Brasilia. Friends told the paper that she repeatedly complained about Ronaldo’s type of nightlife in Brazil since the player’s return because of an injured knee. So his latest escapade may only be the final straw that tipped the balance against him.

The paper also claims that Ronny’s lifelong sponsors Nike are considering ripping up his $100million contract, because transvestites, hookers and affairs don’t quite fit into their brand values. Jeez, these major corporations are so square…