Look, it was her or Mauresmo, okay!

Hey, who cares that Kournikova hasn’t picked up a racket in about five years? Or that she pretty much fluked her way to the Wimbledon semi-finals over ten years ago and never achieved anything else? The woman invented pretty tennis players. Before that, the best you could hope for was Gabriela Sabatini, and even she looked a bit like a man.

… the bird to irritating photographers

Until yesterday, Cristiano Ronaldo was only too happy to let the world see his collection of hideously short shorts, and his pneumatic (and officially not hot) girlfriend Nereida Gallardo.

But now things have turned ugly. A group of his friends (probably courted from Facebook) flooded a boat carrying pesky paparazzi, and then the tricky winger gave a rude hand gesture, which our American cousins inexplicably refer to as ‘flipping the bird’.

Personally, I’m glad he’s started to shake things up. His never-ending holiday was starting to look as boring as the Rooney honeymoon…

[Machochip]

Man Utd star straddles his other inflatable plastic friend

Showing his obvious fondness for ‘frolicking’, the world’s vainest man got to grips with a purple and yellow deer thing yesterday while enjoying the Sardinian coastline.

While C-Ron’s regression to a childlike state is charming to see, his choice of swimwear is not. The tricky winger has graduated from tucking his boardshorts into themselves, to the sort of minuscule swimwear that only Scandinavians deem appropriate for public use:

More pictures of Ronaldo’s Casino Royale trunks and Nereida’s latest skimpies after the jump…

The real reason for Jermaine Jenas’ recent good form

In the 2007/08 season, Spurs midfielder Jermaine Jenas netted seven goals, produced solid and consistent performances every week and earned his first cap (and goal) in Capello’s England side against Switzerland [that’s his first cap under Capello’s regime, not for England in general - Ed.]. Some blame his transcendence on new manager and mentor Juande Ramos, but others give credit to his girlfriend of six years Sabrina Keogh, a lady who looks jolly smashing in a bikini.

Ever seen a grown woman almost naked?

Okay, so Brooklyn Decker isn’t strictly a female tennis player. In fact, whether she has ever played tennis or not isn’t even known. Not by anyone. But what we do know is that she’s engaged to Andy Roddick - he’s the big serving American hopeful who tumbled out of Wimbledon just yesterday, putting paid to any chance of catching a glimpse of her in the crowd. What an idiot.

Spoiler readers deliver damning verdict over C-Ron’s lady

Upholding our reputation for quality investigative journalism, yesterday The Spoiler set out to discover if you, the citizens of this net of ours, believed the world’s most popular WAG was worthy of her status. The votes are in, and we’re afraid it’s sad news for the vainest man alive (honestly, who tucks their board shorts up into themselves?): Nereida Gallardo is not a fox.

The motion that the failed model deserves a place on the hotness podium beside Abbey Clancy and Gemma Atkinson has been narrowly defeated, as 52 per cent of voters said “Not hot”, while 32 per cent decided she was, and therefore of sufficient calibre to share a bed with her preening hairless partner. The remaining 16 per cent decided to vote even though they had no strong feelings on the subject. If you ever make up your mind, 16 per cent, do let us know.

Do you disagree with the poll’s outcome? There’s still time to turn this decision around, so make sure you and your Nereida lovin’ chums pile on right here!

Ahhh, so this is how the other half live…

It’s no great secret that Wayne Rooney spent his childhood wearing rags and hoofing stones around Liverpool council estates, while over in Portugal Ronaldo’s family were so subservient and caught up in the 1980s that they even named their son after the US President, Ronald Reagan. The world, in short, was against these boys from the get-go.

In a parallel universe somewhere, Rooney is no doubt communicating in the mixture of coughs, snorts and hacks that make up the unemployed scouse dialect, while Ronaldo is standing alone in nightclubs watching jealously as all the other guys get the girls, and he has to go home with nothing but a cupful of his own tears and a massively long neck. But look at them now - both classy, both amazing. Begging the important question: who’s classier?

Say hello to Mr Stylish…

Sick of having no sense of style? Confused by Serena Williams wearing a mac on a boiling hot day? Of course you were, everyone was. But fashion need no longer be a dirty word used only by homosexual gentlemen and stylists, you too could be fashionable. Just do as Cristiano Ronaldo and his gym-ravaged girlfriend, Nereida Gallardo, do.

So first in your suitcase this summer…

HIM: Rosary beads (plastic), mirrored shades, red cap (NB. MUST BE BACKWARDS), flippy-floppies, white hotpants.

HER: White bikini, tiny head, slippers, sweatband (NB. Must fit head), tracing paper nightie (pink), tattooed groin (optional).

Happy shopping, folks!

More great/disturbing pics after the jump

Sexy couple goes sunbathing, people take pictures

Caught in the whirlwind of a Ferguson rage, about to embark on a mission entitled “turn all Man United fans against me”, only recently spat out of Euro 2008 and straight into The Spoiler’s most disappointing XI, Cristiano Ronaldo would be wise to rest up while he can. And so he has. In boiling hot Italy no less, with the sturdy young woman currently lugging around his heavy heart in her back pocket. Her name, of course, is Nereida Gallardo - you probably know her as the most popular WAG on the planet. Regardless of the fact that she has the look of a woman who likes her eggs raw and by the dozen.

More steamy holiday pics after the jump.

UK’s finest take note…

WAGs are funny. So tanned, so moisturised, so pretty, but informally ask one if she’s going to remove her top any time soon, and the air will suddenly chill - it’s as if you’ve said something wrong/inappropriate. Weird.

One WAG who isn’t so uptight when it comes to removing clothes, however, is Sweden’s Oksana Andersson - singer, model, resting place for Deportivo’s Christian Wilhemsson. You won’t find her sneering down her nose at the thought of going topless on the beach, and, not only that, but she won’t even dump her boyfriend for making abominable fashion blunders like shorts-with-braces (above). What a gal!

See what happens when Oksana no longer requires the top half of her bikini after the jump…