It’s all quiet on the rumour and gossip front today, folks

It’s a slow day transfer-wise, but we are pleased to announce that the podgy Egyptian forward Mido is no longer on the Marlon Brando career path. After apologising to Boro fans for weighing more than a medium sized aircraft last season, he has shed two stone. Bravo, sir.

Elsewhere, a former Newcastle player could be heading for military combat, and Lamps is still deciding if he should run off into the sunset with the Special One…

Emre Belezoğlu to the army
The Newcastle midfielder was depressed enough about the prospect of going back to Turkey to play for Fenerbahce, but now he may miss out on football altogether as he is wanted by his country’s army.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Who are they at war with anyway?

Alexander Hleb to Barcelona
It looks like Hleb’s heart is set on a move to quiet, peaceful Barcelona after feeling violated by the harshness of noisy London. (It’ll be fantastic when he realises the Spanish city is pretty much the noisiest place in the world.)

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Looks like he’s ready to pull a Reyes

Frank Lampard to Inter
Chelsea would love to give him £135,000-a-week but soon-to-be-30 Frank Lampard wants it for four straight years, while

Hairless man linked with job because he speaks Portuguese

The BBC are telling us that Coventry assistant manager Steve Kean is being lined up for the number two job at Chelsea. It’s not because of the wealth of experience he has gathered at the likes of Fulham and Real Sociedad, but pretty much just because he can speak Portuguese:

Chelsea are set to open talks with Coventry on a potential offer for Kean’s services, but he told BBC Scotland he was eager to avoid troublesome contractual issues.

“It probably makes sense, because I can speak Portuguese, but I don’t want to say to much without getting anyone into trouble,” added Kean.

In other news, Paul Ince is about to be announced as Blackburn boss because he once did some GCSE coursework on the Industrial Revolution in Lancashire, and Ronaldinho is off to Milan because he finds it easier to pronounce than ‘Manchester City’.

Angry bonus: As The Guardian rightly say, finding footage of Big Phil losing his temper is a bit like falling asleep listening to Coldplay. Check out the last minute of this video for lots of angry finger pointing and mad staring eyes…

Also appearing on a computer near you…

Competition: Tell us the name of the player that Hayden Christensen is watching from the stands in the picture above, and you can win one of five Blu-Ray DVDs of rather enjoyable motion picture Jumper, out today. Send your answers here.

Some fantastic Euro 2008 look-alikes
[UK Football Finder]

Nine reasons Poland will beat Croatia
[chickendinner]

Football 365 club-by-club fixture guide
[Football 365]

QPR owner Flavio Briatore somehow persuaded WAG Elisabetta Gregoraci to marry him
[Grid Crasher]

More of Euro 2008’s hottest fans
[Pies]

Uh Oh, Blackburn are interviewing Steve McLaren for the manager’s job
[Caught Offside]

The Spoiler assesses the favoured candidates in the race for power at Ewood Park

The Chelsea vacancy has seen the biggest names in football linked with a move to the Premier League, while the Blackburn job has seen some less glamorous hats thrown into the ring. According to their chairman, there have been over 40 applications, although most of them were probably cocky twenty-somethings who fancy themselves on Championship Manager.

After the appointments of Graeme Souness and Mark Hughes proved big successes, the Blackburn board have gained a reputation for making savvy appointments. Surely they’re not going to risk all that on Alan Shearer?

The Blackburn Managerial Candidates

Sam Allardyce - 7/4
The Blackburn board like to emphasise the buzzword ’stability’, and this is something that Allardyce has proven he can deliver at Bolton, where he exceeded this with European qualification and a League Cup Final appearance. His reputation for drab, hoof-it-up football is the main deterrent to appointing him.
Verdict: Appears a perfect match

Alan Shearer - 15/8
Was the star player of the greatest season in Blackburn’s history when they won the Premier League in 1995, and has made it clear he would be interested in becoming a manager. His dream job is clearly Newcastle though and Blackburn may not appreciate being used as a stepping stone once more. Shearer has apparently expressed doubts that Blackburn is the right starting point for him.
Verdict: Would be risky business

Paul Ince -9/2
He engineered a great escape with Macclesfield in his first season as a manager before moving to Franchise FC and winning them the title and Johnstone’s Paint Trophy. The only problem is that these achievements occurred with an (immoral, soulless) League Two side - his success may not translate if he mixed it up with the big boys.

Blackburn not good enough for inexperienced MOTD pundit

The Daily Telegraph are today reporting that Alan Shearer may turn down the chance to succeed Mark Hughes because he “is not convinced that Blackburn would be the right place for him.”

Yes that’s right, a man whose post-retirement career has relied on professionally stating the bleedin’ obvious (and making Mark Lawrenson’s analysis seem groundbreaking in comparison) on Match of the Day could turn down the seventh-best team in the Premier League because they aren’t ‘right’ for him.

In comparison, the candidates who could miss out because of Shearer’s apparent God-given right to a top job are Sam Allardyce, who took Bolton to a League Cup Final and into Europe, and Paul Ince, who since retiring has knuckled down and spent 18 months overachieving with Franchise FC in League Two, winning two trophies.

Shearer also appears ignorant of the opportunities afforded to Blackburn managers - the last two

Today’s transfer rumours, written down one after the other

One of the more surprising transfer rumours to surface during this year’s European Championships doesn’t involve a journalist-hating Barcelona star or a strange looking Frenchman, but rather a member of the BBC’s intrepid pundit squad. If the loud whispers are to be believed, Blackburn are planning to choose Alan Shearer over, well, a manager with a shred of experience and tactical nous. Hey, remember that season where he scored all those goals? Yeah! Whoo! Goals! Sign him up…

Alan Shearer to Blackburn
Shearer’s emergence as favourite for the Blackburn job is bringing delight to millions across the country - could he finally vacate his Match of the Day seat to the vastly superior Lee Dixon?

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Shearer is waiting for them to call, rather than actually applying for the job. With this approach, he could be waiting a while.

Samuel Eto’o to Chelsea
Whoever is in charge at the Bridge has identified everyone’s favourite journalist-headbutting striker as the ideal replacement for Didier Drogba, the striker everyone wants to headbutt. Mourinho and Inter could stand in the way.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: More likely than a move to Spurs

Franck Ribery to Chelsea
The one-time Arsenal target is said to be another at the top of Chelsea’s wish list, and it’s unlikely the £31 million price tag Bayern have slapped on will scare them off.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Would Chelsea dare break their ‘one flair player’ quota?

Patrick Vieira to Portsmouth
Harry Redknapp is optimistic that Vieira would

One in Seven fans won’t be renewing their season tickets

We’re all a bit hard pressed these days - each time we turn the ignition keys we face spending the equivalent of the GDP of a small African nation, and a loaf of bread now costs the same as a two bed semi in Bradford. While the Premier League’s finest are rubbing our noses in it by spending like it’s going out of fashion, it appears that the clubs themselves are about to become the latest victims of the nationwide belt tightening. According to Scott Mowbray of Virgin Money, nearly one in seven fans are refusing to renew their season tickets this year.

The worst affected club are West Ham, as 25 per cent of their faithful will now spend Saturday afternoons standing around in Jane Norman at Lakeside while the missus tries on dresses she won’t buy. This defection may be due to the fact that certain factions of Hammers fans are dissatisfied with Curbs and his boring brand of football, or it could be that the average ticket price is around £780

Forget about your worries with today’s transfer rumours… then go back to your worries

Wow, what a dramatic night. For those who missed it for whatever reason, Raef went, and that smarmy little Michael character lives to fight another boardroom. Gutted.

Today’s transfers are very enticing…

Carlos Tevez to Manchester United
Anyone who understands the situation here is a genius. In short, the man who United signed last summer is waiting to be signed by United. What?

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Um, okay.

Aaron Ramsay to Manchester United
Just as one tricky Welsh winger begins his slow ride into the sunset, another one turns up in a massive pram.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Get ready for decades of Giggs/Ramsay comparison, which is fine at first, but by the time Alan Shearer has mentioned it for the eight zillionth time on MOTD, you just want to grab the silly pundit by what’s left of his hair and repeatedly plunge his face into glass coffee table, not stopping until you are absolutely sure that either a. he’s dead, or b. he’s got the message.

Winger all set for a return to London

Blackburn star David Bentley is convinced that his career in Lancashire is over. According to a Spoiler informant, the player believes he will be earning at crust at Chelsea next season. DB is so convinced of the transfer that he described it as a ‘done deal’.

See also: how Bentley used his bespoke boots to get away from Arsenal

As ever, there was no time last night to revel in the joy of a Paul Scholes stonker, because while football is being played, behind the scenes people in dark suits are having business meetings, and those meetings are very important - they include “guesstimates” and “sushi”. Here’s what may or may not have been talked about in some of those sweaty deep-into-the-night think tanks:

Kamel Ghilas to Arsenal
Arsene Wenger’s team of dehydrated football forragers have once again resurfaced in their mining helmets with soil on their faces muttering like crazy people about an Algerian man called Kamel. At the moment he plays casual football for Portuguese side Vitoria Guimaraes, but next season he looks set to be entertaining Arsenal crowds, who love sexual football and Cesc Fabregas.

Antonio Valencia and Wilson Palacios to Manchester United
Yes, Ferguson will be on the hunt for bright young talents, currently dominating other first teams, to strengthen his reserves, and these two might be just the ticket. They do it week in, week out for Wigan, but can they do it perhaps once every three/four months for United when Nani, Anderson, Carrick, Hargreaves, Scholes, Ronaldo, Giggs, O’Shea, and Fletcher are all injured? Or it’s the Carling Cup?