All of today’s transfers, just for you…

And so Big Brother kicks off again tonight, supposedly featuring a whopping sixteen new faces for you to fantasise about destroying/licking. All of them are sure to have one thing in common - their friends describe them as “wacky” or “bubbly”, or any other such made-up term to avoid saying what they really think. They’re cretins, and “wacky” is just another word for “cu… what’s that? Transfer news? Oh go on then…

Xabi Alonso to Juventus
Imagine standing silently in the room watching your ex-girlfriend heavily petting with her new man - she left you damn it! Great, now your blood is actually boiling. Okay, now put the plank down, take a breath, rinse the sweat from your shirt, and times that feeling by two - that’s exactly how Alonso will feel when Barry trots into Anfield next season. Xavi, go, don’t look back. Run like the wind.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: He’ll go

Aliaksandr Hleb to Barcelona
Silly Hleb, he was only going to Italy for the paella, now he’s realised it’s a Spanish dish! What a wally! Or, more accurately, Mourinho doesn’t seem keen, Barcelona do.

Has someone been sniffing a bit of glue?

With his soft voice and white hair, Mark Hughes has the look of a thoughtful gentleman - the kind of man who makes informed decisions about jobs. It’s all quite a transformation from the days when he was a sturdy centre-forward with a bubble perm and a snarl.

And yet, perhaps the barking hound from the pitch still lurks somewhere behind the kindly eyes, making weird decisions for no apparent reason. Such as, for example, choosing to manage Man City.

All of today’s rumours…

Casting a double act correctly is an exact science. The great ones - Morecambe and Wise, The Two Ronnies - relied on their hilarious differences to make people laugh. Ronnie Corbett was a tiny little thing, while Ronnie Barker was a big fatso - brilliant! Morecambe wore glasses, while Wise stood silently beside him with a straight unbespectacled, haunted, face. Some double acts, however, are just far too similar to work. We are, of course, referring to Hoddle and Waddle in the 1980s. It was never going to succeed. Not a single person could tell them apart. One unlikely double act that might shock us all, however, is the zany pairing of old man Hughes and little David Bentley…

David Bentley to Manchester City
The barking mad word on the street is that wherever silver haired Hughes goes, blabbermouth Bentley follows. Today, it’s destination Man City, but everyone knows they’ll both be at Chelsea come next week.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Chelsea beckons

Roque Santa Cruz to Manchester
With the walls tumbling down at Blackburn, Sir Alex is looking to slide in and pick up the tearful foreign players - starting with Santa Cruz for £15 million.

All the big news written down in a list

Something about Paul McCartney taking his Beatle’s stage show to Anfield suggests that people all over Europe might be standing back and hailing Liverpool as the European Capital of Culture around thirty or forty years too late. That said, anyone who doesn’t erupt into tears at the thought of drunk Liverpudlians weeping Yesterday in their thousands should be seriously investigated. In other moving news…

Mark Hughes to Manchester City
Suddenly everyone wants Mark Hughes to take care of their boys - first Abramovich, now these guys. His white hair demands respect, but could a man destined to manage United really do a job at City?

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Surely not.

Michael Essien to Inter Milan
Of course, everyone has been bigging up the chances of Lampsie, Drog-drog and Carvalho heading East to spend quality time with his special highness, but now it seems young Essien has bounced to the front of the queue brandishing a big red apple.

Don’t leave them alone with the wife

And so to the less charming side of football - the players who would demand extra money if you dared to make them sweat, even just a little bit. The kind of men you wouldn’t want next to you in the trenches. Were this wartime… and people still used trenches.

GK Carlo Cudicini (Chelsea)
Cudicini is in his goalkeeping prime, and yet he’s happy to lay back in the dugout until Cech gets his face obliterated again. Then he’ll feign an injury of his own - slacker films should be made about this guy.

DL Ashley Cole (Chelsea)
A revolting little man, Cole is totally unaware of a world existing outside of his self-made bubble. In his head, he is king, and Chelsea isn’t his club, it’s just the latest in a long list of suckers to tend to his every bottom wiping whim.

DC Sol Campbell (Portsmouth)
Such are his addled nerves and fragile mind that no club could ever rely on keeping Sol Campbell happy - he’s just too sensitive, bless him. For now, he loves Portsmouth, just adores them, but should they EVER show evidence of not being hopelessly devoted to His Highness, he will go. And that’s not a threat. He actually will. Won’t you, Sol? Ahh, why are you crying? See what you’ve done? Now he’s crying.

These men would DIE for you

With the transfer window now wide open, money men with be lapdancing pathetically throughout the summer, hoping to attract some big name players. Don’t bother with this little lot, you successful football whores.

GK Brad Friedel (Blackburn Rovers)
He might have been plying his trade in Blighty for over ten years, but Friedel still has that “U.S.A!” grit about him - a stateside quality most profoundly portrayed by Sly Stallone in Escape to Victory in 1981. He’s been at Blackburn since 2000, and against stiff competition from the likes of David James and Petr Cech, he still comes out on top. Just.

DL Phil Neville (Everton)
There’s something about Phil Neville that suggests he spends teatime shovelling food into his mouth at an ungodly speed, before slamming his cutlery down, punching the are and shouting “I win”. It’s a worry.

All signs point to Wenger’s wallet 

After a bumpy ride towards the end of the season, what with all of his players dashing around like blind madmen with chainsaws, it looks like Captain Wenger is trying to steady his ship with some big name signings. But might it be too little too late? Today’s transfer rumours LOVE Arsenal…

Roque Santa Cruz to Arsenal
Might Wenger totally ditch his buy cheap/make great method by plumping for Santa Cruz, who would cost 89 gazillion Wenger pounds, and is already really good? The people who make up rumours think so.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Not feeling this one.

Louis Saha to Arsenal
With Rooney’s hip problems flaring up and Gary Neville constantly crocked, Man United are looking for extra beds in their infirmary, so Saha will be wheeled out over the summer. Arsene Wenger is thought to be lurking in the Latin quarter of Manchester, sipping hot coffee with £5 million in his pocket.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Seems unlikely, although Wenger might appreciate his Frenchness.

Samir Nasri to Arsenal
Apparently Nasri is the new Zinedine Zidane - which must be gutting for all the other new Zidanes.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: He’s young, relatively unheard of, Wenger will love him!

You know the people, the ones who pop around unannounced and spend the entire evening telling you how tired they are, and how things just never seem to go their way. Wouldn’t it be great to rain a few over-the-top punches onto their moping little faces? Yeah, then they’d have something to moan about, then they’d have something to say. With that in mind, imagine the dreary dressing room that this little lot would make for.

GK Jens Lehmann
Moody Jens doesn’t socialise with his team mates, citing the big age gap as a main problem. They, on the other hand, would probably cite his ungodly whinging and arrogant manner.

DL Ashley Cole (c)
The look of utter disbelief on Ashley’s face whenever he gets booked tells you everything you need to know - he can’t believe it, why is everyone picking on him! Plus his wife just dared to get upset because he had sex with loads of other women, and it wasn’t even his fault. God, shut up, he didn’t ask to be born, you know! Our captain.

DC Younes Kaboul
Younes always seemed such a happy fellow, bounding toplessly into Jol’s arms after that great goal (against someone). But his recent huff about Ramos not giving him enough cuddles have made for a big fat grumpy baby.

DC Tal Ben Haim
Those who read The Sun a few weeks ago would have seen the pics of Tal Ben Haim in the back pages stuttering and holding back the tears, as he whimpered about how Jose was really lovely, but Avram isn’t, and he doesn’t like his new daddy, and…. big breath… he just wants to go somewhere else. What a misery guts.