Use your vote wisely…

The scenario: You’re the manager of a Premier League team, and you’re allowed to strengthen your squad by signing just one player in the January transfer window. But you can only choose someone from Paul Ince’s Rovers - so who do you pick?

Your options: On the menu today: the two defensive towers of Ryan Nelson and Christopher Samba, the guile of Roque Santa Cruz, the promise of Matt Derbyshire, the experience and flowing hair of Tugay. You’re right, Blackburn’s cupboard looks a bit bare.

But there can be only one. Vote below:

These men just couldn’t stay away…

In the biblical tale of the Prodigal Son, a young man ventures to the big city to fill up on wine and hookers before going home to lead a normal domestic life as an accountant, or something. In some ways, it’s exactly the same tale as that of Shaun Wright-Phillips and Manchester City, only without the fatted calf, the hookers, the wine… the bible. But no matter.

This, along with Heskey’s suspected return to Liverpool, got The Spoiler to thinking, and by the time we’d polished off our lunchtime amuse bouche followed by soup, we’d pretty much compiled a team made up of returning players. All with varying degrees of success.

In goal, we went for everyone’s favourite drug-eating maniac, Mark Bosnich.

Santa Cruz wants to join Robinho at Manchester City

Back in August it appeared almost certain that after an incredible debut season in England where he scored nineteen league goals, Roque Santa Cruz would leave Blackburn for either Arsenal, Manchester City or Manchester United.

However, ten days before the transfer window slammed shut, the Paraguayan ended all speculation about his future by signing a new four-year deal with Blackburn, announcing that he felt he owed the club for helping him get his career back on track:

“It is important that when the club has done something good for you, that you do something good for the club. I signed a contract because I’m sure it is the right choice.”

All those cynics who said that there was no loyalty left in football were silenced once and for all. Or so it seemed. Imagine The Spoiler’s surprise this morning when Santa Cruz declared:

Don’t get cocky, Man United fans

There were audible sighs all around the south of England on Tuesday night when Berbatov finally got off the mark for Man United, but don’t get carried away. Our bed partners over at Chickendinner have been buried in statistics all week, and have figured out that Ferguson’s gentlemen have no chance of winning against Big Time Charlie and his guys…

Six reasons why Manchester United won’t win

1. Manchester United have only been victorious on one of their last eight visits to Ewood Park.

2. The Red Devils have also one just one of their three away league games this season and two of their last seven in total.

3. Blackburn have only lost five of their last 25 Premier League home games and no club outside the top four lost fewer than Blackburn (four) last season.

If you look closely enough, it’s not all bad

Newcastle haven’t won a game for a month now, they don’t have a permanent manager - damn it, even Terry Venables doesn’t want anything to do with them. But are things really so bad up at St James’ Park? Like, HONESTLY? The Spoiler decided to search of a silver lining, and guess what brothers and sisters? We found one. You can welcome Blackburn Rovers with confidence, children of Newcastle, here’s why:

1. Newcastle haven’t failed to score in any home game this season and their opponents on Saturday, Blackburn, haven’t scored more than one goal in any of their last four.

2. The last time Keegan walked out on a club it took the team a couple of games to settle - Man City didn’t win until their third league game in the post Keegan era, a 1-0 victory over Liverpool. And with this Saturday the third league game for Newcastle post Keegan, maybe it’s a good omen?

It’s all gone a bit Pete Rubbish

Oh dear, it was all looking so promising. The young Dos Santos chap, that Modric bloke - these guys were world beaters, damn it! But now Spurs are languishing at the bottom of the table, and after an in-depth gander at things like facts and statistics, The Spoiler has been shocked to find fourteen stonewall reasons why they won’t win before Santa Claus’ next visit. Perhaps they will never win again?

Spurs fans, we are so sorry… only read on if you must.

Spurs/Wigan, 21 September 2008

Prophecy of doom: Wigan have scored six goals in their last two away games

Portsmouth/Spurs, 28 September 2008

Prophecy of doom: Tottenham have never won two away in a row against Portsmouth. They won the last one.

Spurs/Hull, 5 October 2008

Prophecy of doom: Hull are yet to lose away from home (YET!), and Spurs are yet to win at home.

Stoke/Spurs, 19 October 2008

Prophecy of doom: Stoke have scored five goals in their first two home games, while Spurs have only scored more than one three times in twenty-one games.

Spurs/Bolton, 25 October 2008

WARNING! Some of these men are old enough to be your brother…

At 66-years-old, Sir Alex Ferguson still knows how to ruffle some feathers and get some backs up. Just this morning he studied the horizon to make sure Scholes and Giggs were out of earshot, and then let rip at Chelsea for being a bunch of bleeding pensioners. The Spoiler is, of course, paraphrasing. But it was a bit like that.

Here’s the big question: How would this team of doddering old fools get on against the younger bucks? Pretty well, we think…

GK Shay Given (32, Newcastle)
Aww, we remember little Seamus when he was just a fresh faced little bunny rabbit playing for Newcastle United, and now look at him - absolutely the same. It’s like the man sleeps in Oil of Olay (or Ulay to people in their 30s). One of the best around.

DL William Gallas (30, Arsenal)
Yes, the snappy defender would probably have one of his toddler tantrums about having to play left back, but it was either him or Phil Neville, and we’re not going to make that mistake again. Just do as you’re told, Gallas, you idiot.

DC Jamie Carragher (30, Liverpool)
Contrary to how it sounds, when Jamie Carragher stands in front of you snorting, hacking and clearing his throat, he’s actually speaking. Thankfully, his on-field communication is much less foggy. A hero.

DC Ricardo Carvalho (30, Chelsea)

All of today’s transfers, just for you…

And so Big Brother kicks off again tonight, supposedly featuring a whopping sixteen new faces for you to fantasise about destroying/licking. All of them are sure to have one thing in common - their friends describe them as “wacky” or “bubbly”, or any other such made-up term to avoid saying what they really think. They’re cretins, and “wacky” is just another word for “cu… what’s that? Transfer news? Oh go on then…

Xabi Alonso to Juventus
Imagine standing silently in the room watching your ex-girlfriend heavily petting with her new man - she left you damn it! Great, now your blood is actually boiling. Okay, now put the plank down, take a breath, rinse the sweat from your shirt, and times that feeling by two - that’s exactly how Alonso will feel when Barry trots into Anfield next season. Xavi, go, don’t look back. Run like the wind.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: He’ll go

Aliaksandr Hleb to Barcelona
Silly Hleb, he was only going to Italy for the paella, now he’s realised it’s a Spanish dish! What a wally! Or, more accurately, Mourinho doesn’t seem keen, Barcelona do.