Today’s rumours, gossip and damned lies

The new season kicks off in just 37 days, yet most clubs are still scrambling about like headless Dirk Kuyts to complete their desired lineups. Cristiano and Frank are still putting us to sleep with their predicaments, so here’s what’s going on in the rest of Transferland…

Robinho to Chelsea
The main reason Robinho appears interested in Chelsea is to punish Real Madrid for using him as a bargaining chip in their attempts to sign Cristiano Ronaldo. His agent has claimed he is “better or equal to” Ronaldo, and Chelsea are eager to find out if that’s true.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Strong possibility that Scolari will be listening to excuses from the Brazilian man-o’-sex in the near future

Andrei Arshavin to Arsenal

Zenit’s labelled Arsene Wenger a “cunning fox” for questioning Arshavin’s ability to play three straight top-level games, saying it was a ploy to put off suitors. Arsenal are now favourites to sign him so it looks like their perception of Wenger was spot on.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Would fit in perfectly but it depends on the price

David Villa latest
Rafael Benitez must be seen as an easy target in transfer negotiations given his willingness to be ripped off in his pursuit of Gareth Barry. That’s why Valencia priced up David Villa at £32 million, although

Veteran star grasses up former teammate for DVLA offences

During his days at West Ham, Shaun Newton received a seven month ban for lapping up a little too much tasty cocaine. The midfielder, who is currently unemployed, now finds himself in more trouble, as he stands accused of nine charges of attempting to pervert the course of justice:

[Teddy Sheringham], 42, said ex-West Ham colleague Shaun Newton offered to “get rid” of the ticket after he was clocked at 64mph in a 40mph zone in 2005.

Sheringham told Croydon Crown Court: “I was moaning about getting the ticket, and Shaun Newton said, ‘Give me £50 and I’ll sort it out’.”

Ex-West Ham player, Bobby Zamora, 27, said he paid Newton to “have a look” at a ticket.

Allegedly, Newton helped teammates escape fines by claiming fictitious drivers were actually behind the wheel.

We can’t say too much, as legal proceedings are still active on this case, but if any illegal activity is proven, let’s hope the judge throws the book at them. All too often, cocky footballers believe they are above the rules that govern the rest of society, and this would bring them right back down to earth.

[The Sun]

Page Three girl returns to the top flight with a brand new partner

Nicola Tappenden (or ‘Nicola T, 25, from Croydon’, as you may know her) enjoyed the WAG lifestyle for two years with West Ham’s Bobby Zamora, but in 2007 she finally she packed up the giant picture of her breasts that hung above their bed, accusing the striker of being unfaithful. This season, however, Nicola will be making a glorious return to the Premiership on the arm of Hull City fiancé Simon Walton. [Looks like she won’t be back in the Prem just yet, as Walton’s loan spell at Hull has just ended - Ed.]

If Wenger doesn’t need new defenders, then what does he need?

While Tottenham have got to work early and spent big on Luka Modric and Giovani dos Santos, Arsenal are still on the starting blocks, with the first sign of any transfer activity at the Emirates being quickly shot down by Arsene Wenger:

“I have been interested in Vincent Kompany ever since he was 16, but I am not interested in him this year. There is nobody I need for my team’s defensive department.”

Which of course prompts the question: what’s the point of tracking someone for six years if you have no intention to signing them? By acting much like a flirtatious girl who makes you believe she’s the one but who will quickly break your heart, perhaps Arsene is telling us he simply enjoys the thrill of the chase.

Anyway, Arsenal’s reticence to invest has spurred The Spoiler to consider where each London club needs to improve next season.

So we did a think and then gone wrote it down:

Chelsea

Top priority:
Flair players - Big Phil hasn’t just been brought to Chelsea to win trophies, he’s expected to bring some Brazilian flair to the job and make the Blues exciting to watch as well as being scarily efficient.

Fitting the bill: Ronaldinho, Kaka, Franck Ribery

Arsenal

Top priority:
Depth in midfield - Diarra then Flamini have gone, Hleb’s inconsistent, Rosicky’s injured, Gilberto’s past his best and Fabregas got tired last year so it’s clear that Arsenal need to bolster their midfield, and potentially bring in a new keeper.

Fitting the bill: Gareth Barry, Samir Nasri, Hatem Ben Arfa, Bastian Schweinsteiger

West Ham

Top priority:
New medical team/left-winger - Take away the dozen injuries West Ham had for most of last season and they’ve got perhaps the biggest squad in the league.

The left wing is a problem though: the fans turned on Boa Morte and he wants out while Etherington is always injured.

Fitting the bill: Stephen Hunt, Damien Duff, Pablo Aimar

Tottenham

Top priority:
New goalkeeper and striker

There is no time to rest in football. Ferguson might have been dancing on the tables last night, but he’d have been back at his desk this morning with a muesli bar from a garage to plan how to best inflict pain on others come August.

Today’s transfer rumours read like this:

Dimitar Berbatov to Manchester United
Wow, where did this one come from? Who knew that Berbs wanted to leave? Might it have something to do with his agent demanding that he leave? As things stand United are front-runners, with Ferguson after a mature football mind to spearhead his attack. But there have also been increasingly fervent whispers echoing in from Barcelona insisting that he can go there if he wants to. Sir Alex will have to be at his most charming and flirtatious to bag this puppy. So to speak.

Samuel Eto’o to Inter Milan
More bad news Spurs. Apparently Inter are set to stroll up to the Barca striker and casually ask whether he’d like to join the Italian champions or the eleventh best Premier League side.

Sweet Baby Joseph, it is HOT outside. It’s all ice lollies, hand held electronic fans and bikinis in this office. But don’t be fooled, we’re not just keeping ourselves cool, there’s also work to be done. Today’s transfers read like this:

Peter Crouch to Portsmouth
So long are Crouch’s spindly spiders legs that he’s somehow managed to score thirteen goals this season - all from his seat in the dugout. Just imagine how he’d get on if he was actually playing. Word is, Portsmouth have been doing exactly that.

Michael Kightley to West Ham
Despite the fact that Alan Curbishley headed straight into hiding after getting humiliated by Man United, the gossips at the Mirror have been heard going on and on about how he wants the Wolves winger, and by Jimmy he’s going to get him.

Which classy star has impeccable taste?

Being a tasteful chap, Bobby Zamora proudly displayed a large canvas picture of his girlfriend’s breasts above their bed. Now he and ‘Page Three stunner’ Nicola T have split up, he has undoubtedly

They don’t want shiny things that sparkle, they want a DVD of WAGs sweating in Lycra

This Christmas Eve the streets will not only be blessed with the distant sounds of children butchering beautiful carols. If you listen carefully, you’ll hear the racing of tapping heels as a million orange people with dead straight hair clatter towards Woolies to get their hands on the WAG’s Workout DVD.

Starring WAGs Nicola T, Lisa Munday and another one, the forty-five minutes they spend building up a sweat, smiling as they thunder through the pain barrier is truly inspiring. Of course, Nicola T is the stunning Page 3 girl who used to allow Bobby Zamora to body surf her curves at night time, and even granted him the courtesy of a framed picture of her naked breasts above his bed. This is one classy lady.

As well as the all-important get-yourself-fit bits, which guarantee that your wife/life-partner will lose the excess of turkey and sausages in bacon during the resulting weeks of guilt following Christmas lunch, there are also detailed sequences of the WAGs getting their nails done and enjoying a haircut.

Click here to buy a copy.

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