No, you can’t have Lofty the Lion

The scenario: You’re the manager of a Premier League team, and you’re allowed to strengthen your squad by signing just one player in the January transfer window. But you can only choose someone from The Ginger Mourinho’s Wanderers - so who do you pick?

Your options: Can we interest you in: The sweet left foot of Matty Taylor, the midfield drive of Kevin Nolan, or the no-nonsense forward play of Kevin Davies? And don’t forget one of the most consistent keepers in the Prem: Jussi Jaaskalainen. Other names to conjure with include Johan Elmander, who has looked good up-front, Fabrice Muamba and Gary Cahill.

As usual, there can be only one. Vote below:

Hmm, wonder who that might benefit?

Bolton chairman and FA board member Phil Gartside has revealed that he wants the Premier League’s format to be changed to a two-tier system featuring two divisions of eighteen teams and has suggested abolishing relegation to the Football League.

While it would all prove very handy for his team, who escaped relegation by one point last season and are one point above the drop zone in this campaign, it’s hard to understand his logic on how it would benefit football:

“We have already got to the situation where the three clubs that go down from the Premier League are usually the three that come up, although a couple of others might sneak in.

“I don’t

Bolton boss harbours no bad feelings towards Rob Styles

When Gary Megson’s described Rob Styles’ decision to point to the spot after Jlloyd Samuel’s impressive challenge on Cristiano Ronaldo as “hugely embarrassing”, there were few people who blamed him.

Yes, a big deal has been made of the FA’s Respect campaign but if you see your team’s chances of taking a priceless point at Old Trafford robbed by a ridiculously refereeing decision, nobody expects you to stay calm.

So it is somewhat surprising that the Bolton boss has today told his club’s website that after speaking to Rob Styles, he has forgiven him for his error, even going as far as to say that he would welcome the blundering official back to the Reebok:

“It’s gone now and we can’t do anything about it. It was an error and everybody knew it was an error, but

It’s all gone a bit Pete Rubbish

Oh dear, it was all looking so promising. The young Dos Santos chap, that Modric bloke - these guys were world beaters, damn it! But now Spurs are languishing at the bottom of the table, and after an in-depth gander at things like facts and statistics, The Spoiler has been shocked to find fourteen stonewall reasons why they won’t win before Santa Claus’ next visit. Perhaps they will never win again?

Spurs fans, we are so sorry… only read on if you must.

Spurs/Wigan, 21 September 2008

Prophecy of doom: Wigan have scored six goals in their last two away games

Portsmouth/Spurs, 28 September 2008

Prophecy of doom: Tottenham have never won two away in a row against Portsmouth. They won the last one.

Spurs/Hull, 5 October 2008

Prophecy of doom: Hull are yet to lose away from home (YET!), and Spurs are yet to win at home.

Stoke/Spurs, 19 October 2008

Prophecy of doom: Stoke have scored five goals in their first two home games, while Spurs have only scored more than one three times in twenty-one games.

Spurs/Bolton, 25 October 2008

These men would DIE for you

With the transfer window now wide open, money men with be lapdancing pathetically throughout the summer, hoping to attract some big name players. Don’t bother with this little lot, you successful football whores.

GK Brad Friedel (Blackburn Rovers)
He might have been plying his trade in Blighty for over ten years, but Friedel still has that “U.S.A!” grit about him - a stateside quality most profoundly portrayed by Sly Stallone in Escape to Victory in 1981. He’s been at Blackburn since 2000, and against stiff competition from the likes of David James and Petr Cech, he still comes out on top. Just.

DL Phil Neville (Everton)
There’s something about Phil Neville that suggests he spends teatime shovelling food into his mouth at an ungodly speed, before slamming his cutlery down, punching the are and shouting “I win”. It’s a worry.

People have been doing some serious big talking over the weekend - Jose to Inter, Frank to Inter, Didier to Inter. But, worry not, not everyone is off to Inter. Phil Neville, for example, will probably stay at Everton. And these guys all have one thing in common: they’ re all not going to Inter… yet.

Ashley Young to Chelsea
Time has come to accept that the Shaun Wright-Phillips experiment just isn’t working - he arrived small, quick and unable to pass properly, he will leave small, quick, and unable to pass properly. Only with a bit less confidence. So good work Chelsea. Next on their list of bright young talents to destroy is Aston Villa’s speedster Ashley Young. Don’t do it Ashley!

Steven Gerrard to Chelsea
With Frank Lampard set to resume his sensual love affair with Jose Mourinho, this time with a dreamy Italian backdrop, the Chelsea money may again be hurled into Steven Gerrard’s frowning face. With a couple of their top earners off the squad, Abramovich might even shatter payment records. Don’t do it, Stevie!

Tune into the best programming on the telebox tonight

For those who have to work for a living, today’s re-introduction to the office has been a shock to the system. You may have missed another Steve Martin film by leaving the house today, but find solace in two facts: there’s some quality sports on the box tonight, and Steve Martin isn’t funny anymore anyway.

Football
Bolton Wanderers/ Derby County (Sky Sports 1, 8pm)

Cricket
Australia/ India (Second Test, Sky Sports 1, 11.30pm)