Playboy model who is currently enjoying a ‘cyber-romance’ with fugly Barcelona star

Leo Messi isn’t the most handsome sportsman in the world, but that hasn’t stopped him pursuing Playboy model and popular Argentinean media figure Luciana Salazar. The 27-year-old blonde is currently based in Buenos Aires, so with the exception of one phone call, their relationship has thus far blossomed exclusively online.

Apparently, Leo was planning dedicate a goal to her against Brazil last week with an ‘L for Luciana/loser’ hand salute. Unfortunately, that goal never happened, and Luciana and her ginormous chest remain un-saluted.

Deco’s latest beau guilty of possessing incredibly common name

Brazilian-born Portugal midfielder Deco only divorced his second wife Jaciara in March, yet he’s already out on the town with new lady Ana Paula. The two lovebirds are pictured above living it up in the VIP section at Rock in Rio festival (held in Portugal, of course) and he was quoted as saying they share a ‘true passion’. Then again, Deco probably said that to his first two wives…

The beautiful game gets ugly in Brazil

Once again, South Americans who turned up at a game expecting to see some football were bitterly disappointed, as a Brazilian contest between Botafogo and Nautico turned into an exercise in riot policing.

After putting in a perfectly legitimate challenge on a player who proceeded to perform a spasmodic dive, Botafogo defender Andre Luis was sent off. Obviously a little miffed, he showed his dissatisfaction to the home fans, and soon after the cops layed the smackdown on players and fans:

A player was arrested after being sent off in a Brazilian championship match and riot police used pepper spray and truncheons

Obtain instant ball skills and a transvestite hooker addiction with this brilliant name generator

Due to a lack of coordination and a general preference for showering alone, I never made it as a professional footballer. So here’s the next best thing. Some genius has created a Brazilian shirt generator - simply stick in your name and a number, and you’ll have the perfect nickname for use by peers, family and co-workers. “Ryildo, your mum is on the phone again,” is already a popular catchphrase in this office.

It’s also acceptable to pass the time by imagining the crazy names England stars would go by if they played in yellow - John Terry is ‘Teca’ and Wayne Rooney is ‘Wayniano’.

Click here to get started.

Sighting of first not-entirely-straight professional footballer turns out to be false alarm

Memo to famous people - if you must spend time with prostitutes, take a few minutes beforehand to get your story straight in case the police get involved. The Brazilian Ronaldo, you may recall, found himself soaked in infamy last week when the ladies of the night he contracted to help him get over “a silly fight” he’d had with his girlfriend turned out to be trannies with an appetite for blackmail.

As a result, “Il Fenomeno” found himself having to talk to one of Brazil’s top talk shows - “Fantastico” - last Sunday to clear up the public’s confusion about why one of their sporting legends and lover of many great beauties should have time in his diary for such creatures,

The great centre forward, sitting in his mother’s garden and not feeling particularly fantastico himself after spending the week crying, said “I did something really stupid and now my image is going to be stained for ever because of this incident. I let myself down and made a grave mistake.”

“I caused a problem that has had huge international repercussions. The biggest mistake was to

Hot girlfriend and Nike angry at Ronaldo’s transvestite adventures

I’m no expert, but it is my understanding that attempting to conduct drug-fuelled sex parties with transvestite prostitutes can be detrimental to a relationship. Ronaldo (the buck-toothed one, not the Nereida Gallardo-boffing one) has learnt this lesson the hard way, as long-term girlfriend Maria Beatriz Anthony - who has no penis - has walked out on him:

According to Brazilian paper “Extra”, Maria Beatriz Antony, who lived with Ronaldo up to a few days ago, returned to her parents in Brasilia. Friends told the paper that she repeatedly complained about Ronaldo’s type of nightlife in Brazil since the player’s return because of an injured knee. So his latest escapade may only be the final straw that tipped the balance against him.

The paper also claims that Ronny’s lifelong sponsors Nike are considering ripping up his $100million contract, because transvestites, hookers and affairs don’t quite fit into their brand values. Jeez, these major corporations are so square…

Amazingly, it’s the other Ronaldo this time

When it comes to hiring ladies of the night, AC Milan’s Ronaldo has so much to learn from the Portuguese man-o’-sex. When C-Ron has a ‘prostitute binge day’ (known to you and I as a ‘weekday’), he is quick to make sure the hired help do not have bigger cojones than he does. His Brazilian namesake, it seems, failed to perform such stringent checks.

The tubby striker picked up some ladies in Rio de Janeiro on Saturday night, but the motel room turned into an outright sausagefest when it transpired that both girls were transvestites. The former men

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Video: Some amazing skills, rather predictably from Brazil
[YouTube]

Peter Kenyon whoring Chelsea in Russia
[Chelsea Pies]

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[chickendinner]

David Beckham becomes an LA Lakers glory hunter
[Grid Crasher]

Tiger Woods faces an embarrassing interview question
[All Balls]

Denilson’s latest training partner shows talent on and off the field

If Ashley Cole is seeking advice on how to juggle women, he need look no further than Denilson (the one who used to play for Betis, not the Arsenal one.) Playing for Palmeiras, the Brazilian scored two goals against Bragantino last Sunday, and celebrated by making an ‘L’ shape with his hand. Far from being a ‘loser’ insult, 21-year-old Laisa Andrioli claimed it was actually a loving reference to her name. This angered on/off girlfriend Letícia Carlos, who had been “seeing [Denilson] and talking every day,” and who also laid claim to the ‘L’ dedication. Responding evasively, the Brazilian equivalent of Jermain Defoe casually said: “Next time there won’t be any L’s.”

Loves drug-riddled footballers, hates clothing

A search for Adriano’s current squeeze Viviane Castro throws up plenty of content that will have your boss reaching for your P45, as the Brazilian model likes to dabble in glamour photography. In fact, the photo above is the only one on record where she’s covering her modesty, and I imagine she’s probably legs akimbo on her passport photo. Like to know more about her? Here’s a ‘biography’ from one of the sites selling racy images of her:

“Viviane Castro wants to spend her time lost in a world of pleasure that only you can share with her. Her smile is the invitation and the passion lurking in her eyes is promise of what is ahead for any man who accepts what Viviane Castro has to offer.”