Today’s rumours written down for you to read

For fans of Britain’s Got Talent, The Spoiler is backing either the kid who keeps moaning that people want to hit him because he sings like Aled Jones, or the long faced street urchin who bodypops. Not - make this clear - the Cheeky Monkeys, who might look like wonderful little toddlers but are, in fact, total cretins. Vote them OUT! And, in other big news, today’s transfers are another hot potato…

Michael Johnson to Everton
Why play sexy football with Arsenal or Liverpool when you could play thump-and-smash with Everton? That’s probably exactly what David Moyes said to young Michael, who joins the rest of the Man City squad of headless chickens in frantically running away from gun-waving maniac Thaksin Shinawatra.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Sorry Everton, but the new Steven Gerrard looks destined for one of the Big Four.

Richard Dunne to Tottenham
Ramos’ plan to buy every single defender in the world is starting to take shape. Only hundreds more to go, Juande.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Would be guaranteed a starting place, as King and Woodgate take it in turns to rest their weeping heads on matron’s womanly bosom.

Cardiff/ Portsmouth, Saturday, 3pm, BBC1, bet here

In an early episode of the League of Gentlemen, demented old bag Tubbs Tattsyrup (favourite food: worms) retires to a cave with a road map of Britain. The map comes from the belongings of yet another unfortunate traveller she has done in with her brother/husband Edward, and as she flicks through the pages of this strange document, enjoying a hair sandwich, she suddenly stops and announces in wonder, “There is a Swansea!” This weekend, all those millions of foreigners in their Canadas and their Thailands who have become addicted to Premier League football, with a particular weakness for regular Big Four action, will discover that there is also a Cardiff. They will find that football grown in a less financially privileged environment is so ugly as to be barely watchable. And they will also discover a need for powerful dictionaries to help them interpret all the guff about plucky underdogs and “the romance of the Cup”. Although the Wager generally has little time for underdogs - we like winners! - all our cash is going on a Welsh win.

Think we’re mental for liking the Bluebirds? Or traitors? Then get on ‘arry’s Pompey!

The statistics

* Cardiff won their final league game 3-0. The last four teams to score three or more in their final league game before the Cup Final have gone on to win - Liverpool, Arsenal, Chelsea and Manchester United.

* With Benjani sold and Jermain Defoe cup-tied,

Here it is…

Barnsley/ Cardiff

West Brom/ Portsmouth

The lower league sides show us what they’re made of

Barnsley 1/ Chelsea 0 - the one where Chelsea tried really hard but were outclassed anyway

Manchester United 0/ Portsmouth 1 - the one where Ronaldo was bodychecked and Rio got ‘merced’

Middlesbrough 0/ Cardiff 2 - the one where Boro were awful. Again.

[I would show highlights of the Bristol Rovers/ West Brom game, but there’s only so much copyright law I’m willing to ‘challenge’]

As you all know by now, it was one of the most exciting FA Cup Sixth Rounds in memory, and we now face the prospect of three lower league teams going to Wembley (why have they started holding the semis at Wembley again? It does nothing but detract from the final itself).

Betting folk