He isn’t that fast according to Middle England’s favourite rag

The big news from the Olympics this weekend was that hotly-tipped Tyson Homosexual didn’t even make the 100m final and the appropriately-named Usain Bolt had to slow down in the last 10 metres of the big race through fear that his velocity would rip a hole in the space-time continuum, dooming us all.

The Daily Mail took a break from telling us how The Dark Knight will spark the downfall of civilisation to report on Bolt’s world record 9.69sec time, but they got a little muddled with the numbers. As our hombres at Machochip correctly assert, their headline would put his spectacular achievement outside of Carl Lewis’ 9.92sec record from Barcelona 1992.

Spoiler Bonus: Check out Bolt’s ourageously cocky world record after the jump, provided that the spoilsports at YouTube haven’t taken it down for the billionth time…

Stand aside people, legend coming through…

In 1984, everyone wanted to be American. Playgrounds were awash with young boys sporting Michael Jackson’s one glove, girls skipping around in Madonna wedding dresses. And, lurking in the corner somewhere near the bike sheds were the kids who wanted to be Carl Lewis. They were essentially brilliant at absolutely everything, but totally lacking in social skills. That summer, the great man equaled Jesse Owens’ record of four gold medals (100m, 200m, long jump, relay), whilst simultaneously convincing the planet that his superhuman arrogance was a little bit abhorrent. In the above clip, legendary funny man Eddie Murphy does an impression.

Best Olympic sprints ever, except 2004

No doubt about it, the best Olympic event is the 100 metres. It’s got everything - tension, speed, ten seconds of maniacs hurtling in a straight line, followed by years of coughing awkwardly and leaving rooms whenever conversations turn to anabolic steroids. It’s wonderful.

This year looks set to be a stormer, so first whet the appetite with all the races from 1960 to 2000 (above).

Incidentally, as an aside, The Spoiler would totally allow steroids in Athletics. What could possibly be more fantastic than watching half a dozen bearded women doing 100 metres in less than three seconds? Exactly, nothing.