King Kev must discover what defenders are used for

After considering how the London clubs, newbie Prem sides,and Manchester and Mersey teams should invest their vast fortunes in the closed season, we now turn our attention to the north east…

Newcastle

Top priority:
Invest in the defence - You can pretty much guarantee this is at the top of Newcastle’s list every summer, but whoever they bring in seems to flop. In Michael Owen, Obafemi Martins and Mark Viduka they have a well-balanced strike trio, although they could use someone new to provide backup alongside Andy Carroll. The midfield may require one or two new faces should Emre, Barton or Milner leave.

Fitting the bill: Anton Ferdinand, Mikael Silvestre (if Barton leaves), Steve Finnan

Sunderland

Top priority:
A new transfer strategy - Sunderland’s last two Premier League seasons saw them relegated with record low points totals (now broken by Derby) and it took over £40 million of spending to finish in 15th this time round. Last season Sunderland spoke loudly about their big budget, which led to them paying over the odds for average players like Michael Chopra, Kieran Richardson and Andy Reid. A bit more tact this summer may see them continue to strength but without being taken to the cleaners, though rumours of a £5 million bid for James Beattie don’t offer much hope.

Fitting the bill: Michael Dawson, Stephen Hunt, Pedro Mendes, Carlton Cole

Middlesbrough

Top priority:
A replacement for Mark Schwarzer - Gareth Southgate’s side aren’t expected to spend as heavily as their neighbours, but they did surprise everyone by bringing in Afonso Alves in January, so they may catch others off guard again. Southgate has admitted he isn’t looking to change things too drastically due to his faith in the squad.

Fitting the bill: Carlo Cudicini, Scott Carson, Tomasz Kuszczak

Don’t leave them alone with the wife

And so to the less charming side of football - the players who would demand extra money if you dared to make them sweat, even just a little bit. The kind of men you wouldn’t want next to you in the trenches. Were this wartime… and people still used trenches.

GK Carlo Cudicini (Chelsea)
Cudicini is in his goalkeeping prime, and yet he’s happy to lay back in the dugout until Cech gets his face obliterated again. Then he’ll feign an injury of his own - slacker films should be made about this guy.

DL Ashley Cole (Chelsea)
A revolting little man, Cole is totally unaware of a world existing outside of his self-made bubble. In his head, he is king, and Chelsea isn’t his club, it’s just the latest in a long list of suckers to tend to his every bottom wiping whim.

DC Sol Campbell (Portsmouth)
Such are his addled nerves and fragile mind that no club could ever rely on keeping Sol Campbell happy - he’s just too sensitive, bless him. For now, he loves Portsmouth, just adores them, but should they EVER show evidence of not being hopelessly devoted to His Highness, he will go. And that’s not a threat. He actually will. Won’t you, Sol? Ahh, why are you crying? See what you’ve done? Now he’s crying.

Ahh, Saint George’s Day - the one day of the year when you can go into the office with your tatts out and blood on your knuckles and no one even bats an eyelid. Because if they do, that’s fighting talk, their eyelid is taking the mick, thinking it’s better than you. Stupid eyelid, coming over here in it’s boat, sneaking past customs, taking our women…

Makes you proud to be English.

The Saint George’s transfer talk reads a little something like this:

Steve Sidwell to Aston Villa
Aston Villa goes to bed every single night and dreams of becoming a Top Four/Five club - and word has it that to make such a transition you need to sell your best player to Liverpool, and bring in Chelsea’s… wait for it… STEEEEEEVE Siiiiiiidwelllllll - hang on, that can’t be right…

Samuel Eto’o to Tottenham
Eto’o said, verbatum: “If next year we continue the same without winning titles here, I will have to go to another place because what I want is to win.” Spurs bloggers heard: “I very much adore Juande Ramos and would love to come to Tottenham Hotspur to defend the Carling Cup.” Unlikely, surely?

It’s official: beautiful women named Alessia grow on trees in Italy

Italy’s borders are close to bursting, such is the quantity of footballer-lovin’ hotties named Alessia in the boot-shaped nation. Following yesterday’s Alessia Merz and last week’s Alessia Fabiani, today’s WAG is Alessia Marcuzzi, who is discernable from her clothes-hating namesakes only by the fact that she is blonde. Ms Marcuzzi is the current beau of Carlo Cudicini, the man who stands between Chelsea’s sticks when Petr Cech is recovering from freak accidents.

In between lovely slices of mango and giant slurps of caffeine-free Diet Coke, The Spoiler has perused and foraged the transfers underworld, and these gems were lurking in the shrubbery. So to speak.

Tony Adams to Arsenal
Hey what’s wrong Arsene? Feeling a wee bit sensitive because your attacking team has problems defending? Oh stop weeping, man, just get Tony Adams in to help you out! (Or so it would seem, apparently).

Kaka OR Leo Messi to Chelsea
Clearly learning nothing whatsoever from the Shevchenko debacle, Roman Abramovich has apparently declared that this summer he wants to hurl around £100 million, preferably in the direction of Kaka, or Messi… or Pele… or Maradona…

Amongst the posers and millionaires, one man knows his place

Of course, the likes of Lamps and JT would never grace a C-list party with their irresistible presence - the sparkling anecdotes, the expensive drinks, the shiny skin. But one man in the Chelsea ranks is happy to muck in with the lowly workers.

Word has filtered in to The Spoiler that following the hilarious fancy dress do that the players attended, another Christmas party was held for everyone working at Chelsea, from the little man who polishes the toilet handles to Princess Frank.

As expected it was a bustling affair, rammed to the gills. But also, as expected, none of the players bothered to turn up.

“Except Cudicini,” says our pal, “he seemed really up for it.”

Seems someone wants to remind his employers that he really does work for them. And he’s not just there to polish the bogs.