Anderson and Tevez test their mental agility

The semi-finals of the men’s Olympic football tournament will be played tomorrow, where Argentina and Brazil will battle it out for a guaranteed medal. As an incredibly exciting precursor, ‘Manchester Unite’ stars Anderson and Carlos Tevez have been pitting their wits against one another at Connect Four, snap and Jenga.

So, do these rudimentary games give Fergie’s men the edge on the pitch? Find out The Spoiler’s verdict after the jump…

Is this the best team in the Premier League?

Make no mistake, friends, the ‘Big Four’ are so-called because they’re brilliant. So brilliant that were you to merge them all together to create a “best of” team, some huge names would fall by the wayside. We are, of course, referring to the likes of Craig Lindfield, Andriy Voronin, Justin Hoyte, Darren Fletcher, Shaun Wright-Phillips. Just some of the football legends who didn’t make the cut.

GK Petr Cech (Chelsea)
No longer the best in the world, not even the best in Premier League - Friedel, James and Given are better. But he is the strongest in the top four, despite a horrendous Euro 2008. Should his terrible run of luck with facial injuries continue, he should end the season playing in a humiliating gimp mask.

DL Patrice Evra (Man United)
After an appalling debut (losing 3-1 to Man City, coming off at half time), Evra suddenly morphed into a fantastic player. Some might argue that Cole or Clichy are more deserving of the spot, but they’re wrong. Cole would bring the whole dressing room down with his awful personality, and Clichy is behind Evra in the France pecking order.

DC Rio Ferdinand (Man United)
It’s easy to forget that underneath the silly record labels, the totally pointless “merking” and the strange skew-whiff mouth, Rio Ferdinand is just a man, standing in front of you, asking you to tell him he’s brilliant at football. Don’t worry, Rio, you are. In fact, you’re our cap-i-tan.

Today’s transfer rumours, some more ridiculous than others

Despite possessing a questionable state of mental health, a low quality tabloid has linked the man who drunkenly gave me a tenner on my tenth birthday (true story) with a managerial job in the Philippines. Frankly, there’s a better chance of Jermain Defoe declaring a vow of abstinence, but the rest of today’s rumours have a little more substance…

Paul Gascoigne to the Phillippines
The seldom-reliable Daily Star claim that The Phillippines want to ‘rescue’ Gazza by making him the manager of their national team. There must be logic in that idea somewhere but we’re not going to bother guessing what it is.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Ludicrous idea if true

David Bentley to Everton
Bentley’s bold transfer request might not have panned out as he intended it to. It’s not Liverpool and Chelsea throwing pound notes at him to seduce him, it’s Aston Villa and Everton.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: We still expect Chelsea to make a move

Ronaldinho to LA Galaxy
Forget about Barcelona, forget about Chelsea, hell, even forget about Manchester City. Despite only being 28, Ronaldinho

Scottish legend confuses a pot with a black kettle

Those barking hounds from Real Madrid are forever circling Old Trafford, panting and sniffing around, desperately trying to locate the whereabouts of Cristiano Ronaldo. They obviously didn’t bank on Sir Alex Ferguson batting them away with a pooey stick.

“In terms of great clubs, Barcelona have far better morality than Real Madrid will ever have,” honked Fergie this week, “Real use this Marca newspaper as a vehicle to unsettle players.”

Around 12 seconds in, it all starts looking a little moist and suspicious

Forget about your worries with today’s transfer rumours… then go back to your worries

Wow, what a dramatic night. For those who missed it for whatever reason, Raef went, and that smarmy little Michael character lives to fight another boardroom. Gutted.

Today’s transfers are very enticing…

Carlos Tevez to Manchester United
Anyone who understands the situation here is a genius. In short, the man who United signed last summer is waiting to be signed by United. What?

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Um, okay.

Aaron Ramsay to Manchester United
Just as one tricky Welsh winger begins his slow ride into the sunset, another one turns up in a massive pram.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Get ready for decades of Giggs/Ramsay comparison, which is fine at first, but by the time Alan Shearer has mentioned it for the eight zillionth time on MOTD, you just want to grab the silly pundit by what’s left of his hair and repeatedly plunge his face into glass coffee table, not stopping until you are absolutely sure that either a. he’s dead, or b. he’s got the message.

All the players rated according to their unpopularity

What a Champions League final. Two delighted sets of fans, then the rest of Europe all scratching their heads trying to figure out which of the teams they want to win less. The Spoiler has taken a long look at all of the players who should be involved, and marked them out of ten, using a state-of-the-art Hate-o-meter. Results follow…

If you’re reading this on Thursday morning, welcome brother/sister, the sun is still nice and shiny (although we just heard thunder) and free love rules. If it’s Thursday evening/ Friday morning, please help, we’re hiding in an alleyway just behind the office, and there’s a big guffawing clown with blonde hair stomping around saying he owns London and punching people in the face. Call the police.

The final day of freedom’s transfers read thusly:

Micah Richards to Manchester United
The growing hum in the north is that Micah Richards might dare to cross the City/United divide, and spend next season making Wes Brown totally regret signing a new contract. Apparently he has been sickened by his club’s treatment on gentle Sven - and for a humble £23 million, he may be keen to experience a whole new world of angry locals.

Leo Messi to Manchester United
The more sluttish United supporters have decided that Messi may actually be sexier than Ronaldo. The solution: dump Ronaldo, get Messi! They are naughty.

Michael Johnson to Arsenal
Arsene Wenger is so sick and tired of everyone telling him that no one in his side is from England, that he may yet be driven to buying Gareth Barry AND Michael Johnson in an unruly spending rage. Then everyone can shut up, and the promising midfielders can join Richard Wright and Francis Jeffers on the secret list of English players who shouldn’t have gone to Arsenal.

Also appearing on a computer near you…

Video: Carlos Tevez’s awesome singing ability. Why can’t I get this on iTunes?
[YouTube]

Austrian fans given lessons on how to cheer at Euro 2008
[The Beautiful Game]

Petr Cech adds another snap to his portfolio of ridiculous photos. This time, he’s in a dog cage
[Chelsea Pies]

Play-offs in the Premiership? Surely not
[Pitch Invasion]

Nick Heidfeld demonstrates his new BMW F1 car, but it doesn’t go very well
[Grid Crasher]

Machochip have even more pics of Ronaldo’s ladyfriend Nereida Gallardo. Boy, does she hate clothing (NSFW)
[Machochip]

David Beckham’s shirt opens a can of legal worms
[On205th]

Under-shirt messages are soooo last century

After scoring last night, Carlos Tevez lifted his shirt to reveal a birthday message to someone named Ariel. It’s a very sincere gesture in lieu of the more traditional birthday card, but does anyone actually do the novelty celebration anymore? His shirt scrawling and dummy sucking are all a little too reminiscent of Asprilla’s jersey on the goalpost, Fowler sniffing the touchline and Ian Wright whipping up his top to celebrate breaking the Arsenal goal scoring record.

And if you need anymore proof of Tevez’s appreciation of the decade gone by, check out his New Kids on the Block dance homage in an advert for the Cartoon Network: