Time to rip it up and start again, Chelsea

What the Christ! Last night the world was treated to probably the worst fairytale of all time, akin to Cinderella meeting Prince Charming, only to find that beneath the sparkling veneer he’s actually really anal and a bit clinically depressed. It was all there for the Chelsea team and Abramovich - the big final, in Russia, the captain (Mister Chelsea, apparently) seconds away from making dreams come true. Then they blew it.

After years of hurling money around willy-nilly desperately striving to create something wonderful, has the Chelsea team finally imploded under the weight of expectation? The summer will surely see the likes of Drogba, Carvalho (absolutely awful last night) Malouda (shocking) Anelka (non-plussed) and even Lampard head off in search of a less hated team.

Like children, footballers can be so cruel 

As absolutely everyone knows, before the biggest match of the season, the battle begins in the press. We like to call it The Battle of the Brains. Already Chelsea and Man United have been trading blows like furious tots in a street fight.

Rooney on Drogba:
Sometimes it seems as if his head is not there, but when he is playing at his best he is an unbelievable player.

Vidic on Drogba:
Sometimes he goes in very strong, and sometimes he pretends he is very weak. He plays with your mind and tries to make you think about the next tackle. He can pretend he fell down to win a penalty, but referees know that. The Champions League final is a big game and I’m sure the ref will know his job.

Chelsea stars get their leather on in da club

For those that didn’t realise, last night the theme was “Small Leather Jacket” down at Funky Buddha - by far the most sensual of London’s sexy wine bars.

Of course, Lamps was there with pals Ballack and Carvalho, all guffawing and loving their body-tight jackets. Even cricket’s Kevin Pietersen stopped off to let girls stroke his leather jacket and offer to buy him Martinis. But, as is usual with any Chelsea event, one man decided to join in and just made an almighty hash of things - can you guess who?