Meanwhile, elsewhere on the internet…

Remember the days when pop stars didn’t have to be pretty to be great with Joe Cocker…

Rangers fan receives rubbish birthday prez

[The Offside]

The next Lewis Hamilton lands whopping sponsorship deal

[Grid Crasher]

How best to cook a set of testicles

[Machochip]

Lindsay Lohan’s out-of-this-world unmentionables spotted

[Egotastic]

Nerdy computer kid goes ballistic

[Today’s BIG Thing]

The worst sports kit of all time

[Polite Applause]

Who will win the Golden Boot?

[Chickendinner]

UEFA have been playing with the crazy pots again

The good officials of the Champions League gathered around the trough in Monaco this afternoon, pausing briefly to pompously remove some plastic footballs from mixing bowls in one of their favourite little rituals.

As per, various pundits and sundry authorities were on hand to discuss the mouth-watering nature of the dance card, while those associated with the managerial side of things vowed not to underestimate anybody, as decreed by UEFA’s guidelines on how to talk to the press at times such as this.

Of the English teams, Liverpool probably feel the men in blazers could have looked harder to find them a couple of soft sides, but at least

Also appearing on a computer near you…

Here’s some brief highlights of Spurs’ destruction at Roma, discovered at 101GreatGoals

A 23-year-old ex- Manchester Utd player has won £4.5m in compensation for future loss of earnings
[BBC News]

Caption this Cristiano Ronaldo pic and win a prize
[Pies]

Why Celtic will win their fourth straight SPL
[chickendinner]

When Italians shave their chests, they get it done in public, and usually by a professional footballer
[Kickette]

A former Manchester City goalkeeper is facing time on the slammer for blackmail
[Football365]

Ten football stars who could be moving to the MLS very soon
[Caught Offside]

Also appearing on a computer near you…

Lamps did nothing for his reputation as a heavy set chap when he broke a treadmill in Italy
[101 Great Goals]

Why Celtic will win their fourth straight SPL
[chickendinner]

Fancy buying an F1 car? Here’s your chance!
[Grid Crasher]

Totally random: A teenager found a bat asleep in her bra. After five hours of wearing it
[BBC]

Spurs to announce big £17m signing by Friday
[Caught Offside]

eBay Item of the Day: A pornstar’s used implants
[Uncoached]

Today’s transfer rumours, brimming with metrosexuality

If the picture above is to be believed, Princess Frank has already packed his favourite makeup travel case ahead of a big new move to Milan. They’ll really dig his all-pink beachwear in the fashion capital, but will he go running to the open arms of The Special One or stick around to let Big Phil beat him like a red haired stepchild?

Frank Lampard to Inter
Internazionale confirmed Lampard as their number one transfer target yesterday, and now Mourinho and Scolari are both dangling club badges in front of his face, forcing him to choose which one to kiss.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: We think he may love Mourinho a little more than Chelsea

Ronaldinho to Chelsea
Even though he’s still contracted to Barcelona, Deco has taken it upon himself to become Chelsea’s travel agent, by advising Ronaldinho to steer clear of smelly Manchester and move to petal-scented West London.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Can see it happening

Ivan Klasnic to Wigan
After scoring the winner for Croatia last night, Klasnic has decided it may be time to plunge for the glitz, glamour and endless excitement of Premier League football by signing for…Wigan.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Bigger clubs may come calling

David Bentley to Aston Villa
Bentley wants to leave Blackburn to get a shot at a club playing in the Champions League but he said he’d settle for UEFA Cup football. Surely he doesn’t want to play in the Intertoto with Villa though?

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: It’s Chelsea, The Spoiler told you that ages ago

Peter Crouch to Portsmouth
It’s emerged that Harry Redknapp’s

All of today’s transfer gossip in one neat package

Just last week, Chelsea were confident that they would be signing every big name player in the world - Torres, Ribery, Ronaldinho, Pele, Roy of the Rovers - but now their masterplan is starting to take an unexpected turn. Despite the severe lack of loyalty and pride in the English top flight, it seems that not everyone can be persuaded to switch teams with a huge briefcase of money…

David Villa to Real Madrid or Barcelona
It wasn’t long ago that Villa was declaring Arsenal his dream club, but upon hearing that Chelsea are chasing him, he is so desperate not to join them that he is begging to stay in Spain.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Straight from the free-scoring horse’s mouth

Robin van Persie to Inter Milan
The Dutchman has had a taste of what it feels like to be part of a winning side at Euro 2008 and apparently he’s hungry for more.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Depends if he gets a pay rise

Dimitar Berbatov to Barcelona
The amnesty on Berbatov transfer rumours

Milan gaffer can’t go 45 minutes without his beloved cancer sticks

In Italy, one can alleviate the stress of top flight management by enjoying the cool refreshing taste of a filthy mid-game cigarette. Sparking up on the touchline in the UK, however, was outlawed pretty much at the same time as the death penalty and witchcraft. Considering Carlo Ancelotti’s crafty antics at last year’s Celtic/ AC Milan game, he wouldn’t last five minutes in any of the Premier League’s fine smoke-free stadia - so it’s no wonder he has decided to stay ‘loyal’ to his current employer.

Still think Ancelotti will come to West London? Put your money where your persistent opinion is right here, you crazy fool.

[Chelsea Pies]

All the big news written down in a list

Something about Paul McCartney taking his Beatle’s stage show to Anfield suggests that people all over Europe might be standing back and hailing Liverpool as the European Capital of Culture around thirty or forty years too late. That said, anyone who doesn’t erupt into tears at the thought of drunk Liverpudlians weeping Yesterday in their thousands should be seriously investigated. In other moving news…

Mark Hughes to Manchester City
Suddenly everyone wants Mark Hughes to take care of their boys - first Abramovich, now these guys. His white hair demands respect, but could a man destined to manage United really do a job at City?

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Surely not.

Michael Essien to Inter Milan
Of course, everyone has been bigging up the chances of Lampsie, Drog-drog and Carvalho heading East to spend quality time with his special highness, but now it seems young Essien has bounced to the front of the queue brandishing a big red apple.

The rudest WAG in the Premier League. Probably.

Thomas Gravesen may be powerless to help Everton reach the hallowed top four this season, but at least the on-loan midfielder gets to come home to the loving embrace of girlfriend Kira Eggers. If you recognise the thirty-three year old WAG then shame on you - she is Denmark’s most famous hardcore porn star. (Do a Google Image Search of her name and you’ll find the kind of stuff that would make even Jermain Defoe blush.)

The best sports on the telebox tonight

Rangers may be running away with the Scottish Premier League , but it looks as if their Glasgow rivals will be smiling tonight. Celtic are 13/10 favourites to take three points tonight, and you can back them using the best odds available on our oddschicken.

And if you’re looking for something to get you to sleep after the excitement of the Old Firm Derby, our friends in Major League baseball are here to help you out.

Scottish Premier League
Celtic/ Rangers (Setanta Sports 1, 7.45pm) - bet here

Major League Baseball
Arizona/ San Francisco (NASN, 8.45pm) - bet here

Swedish WAG is bringing home the bacon with pop music and a lethal book

Magnus Hedman’s former club Celtic unsurprisingly crashed out of the Champions League last night, while his most recent club Chelsea face a tough (if not boring) ordeal with Olympiakos tonight. The Swede had no input to the European progression of either club, however, as they both kicked him to the curb like a Jermain Defoe shag partner. Alas, the towering Swede is currently out of work, making his model/singer/author wife Magdalena Graaf the bread winner in the Hedman household.

The best sports on the telebox tonight

The last time Arsene Wenger and his troops visited the San Siro, the Londoners came away with a surprise 5-1 victory. Admittedly it was against Inter and in 2003 (when Theo Walcott was only six years old), but the squad will be hoping for a repeat performance tonight. You can get odds of 500/1 on the same scoreline happening again, but for some more reasonable punts on this and the rest of the games in the final sixteen, head to the oddschicken.

Champions League

AC Milan/ Arsenal (ITV4, 7.45pm) - chickendinner match preview here
Barcelona/ Celtic (Sky Sports 2, 7.45pm)
Manchester Utd/ Lyon (ITV1, 7.45pm) - chickendinner match preview here
Sevilla/ Fenerbahce (Sky Sports 3, 7.45pm)