The very latest scurrilous deadline day rumours…

With less than an hour to go, it looks like the two biggest deals of the season are about to go through…

The most dragged-out transfer deal in the world is nearly complete! Arsenal have agreed personal terms with Andrei Arshavin and a fee with Zenit, but the Russian club are currently trying to get half of his signing on fee.

Good news Tottenham fans: your Irish saviour is a few pen pushes away from playing football again, as Liverpool have officially agreed a fee with Spurs.

Charles Insomnia has officially signed a three-and-a-half year deal with Wigan. Joe Kinnear must be devastated.

Jo has officially completed his move to Everton.

Sky Sports are reporting that Manchester City may have met Blackburn’s £25m asking price for Roque Santa Cruz. A few minutes ago, the deal was “90 per cent on”. Can Allardyce and co swueeze another few million out of them before five?

It looks like Tony Adam’s last act at Pompey will not be the signing of Gio Dos Santos. The deal has fallen through.

The very latest scurrilous deadline day rumours…

Three hours to go in the transfer window and no ridiculous Manchester City rumours? Come one Garry Cook, pull your finger out!

Tottenham have been linked to Marco Materazzi and Adriano in the last few weeks, but Sky Sports News say the north Londoners are about to swap Jermaine Jenas for Inter’s Portuguese winger Ricardo Quaresma. Harry’s least favourite person with the name David Bentley may also be on his way to Italy.

Unhappy Charles Insomnia is currently having a medical at Wigan, and will escape from Kinnear’s clutches later today.

As part of the Tottenham-Portsmouth exchange network, Spurs have accepted a bid from the south coast team for Giovani Dos Santos.

It’s no secret that Jo has been a bit rubbish at Manchester City, but he will get another chance to sign at Everton, where he will be on loan for the remainder of the season.

Blackburn wanted £25m for Roque Santa Cruz but Manchester City only bid £20m. Blackburn insists their star player will not move today.

That honour belongs to Bobby Robson

Joe Kinnear has hit the headlines for upsetting want-away winger Charles N’Zogbia. In an interview he pronounced the player’s surname as “Insomnia”, which would have been a brilliant joke if he meant it.

While the Frenchman has used the comment as an extraordinarily tenuous excuse to jump off Kinnear’s sinking ship, one of his co-workers took a managerial insult in a much more light-hearted manner when Bobby Robson was in charge:

Reporter to Newcastle’s Shola Ameobi: ‘Do you have a nickname?’
Ameobi: ‘No, not really’
Reporter: ‘What do the lads call you?’
Ameobi: ‘Shola’
Reporter: ‘So what does Bobby Robson call you?’
Ameobi: ‘Carl Cort.’

Robson and Kinnear, however, aren’t the only managers to forget their own players names. The bastion of naming errors is undoubtedly Jack Charlton, who regularly confused one of the world’s most famous footballers with a Moors murderer:

“It’s possible that I may have called Liam Brady Ian on a couple of occasions. I was stuck with this reputation for forgetfulness. And it became a bit of a party piece with me. Announcing the Irish team to the press after training, I’d go, ‘Bonner, Morris, Houghton, Moran - and that big lad, what d’you call him …’ and someone would prompt me - ‘McCarthy!’ - without realising that I was taking the mickey yet again.”

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Michael Carrick tries his hand at some Fergie mind games
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Mark Hughes will buy before he sells
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Charles N’Zogbia wants out of Newcastle…
[BBC]

…but Barry Ferguson could be about to fill his shoes
[Caught Offside]

Another day, and the chattering voices have been spluttering about transfers. Next season, it appears we can expect at least one more talented Spaniard in our ranks, someone with a weird name, and two of Tottenham’s finest might relocate to the Midlands…

Aaron Lennon and Tom Huddlestone to Aston Villa
Martin O’Neill has clearly been studying Alex Ferguson’s 1990s blueprints as he continues his quest to build a young English side. Next on the menu - Quickie and Fattie from Spurs?

David Villa to Arsenal
The wealthy pockets of Chelsea have demanded him, but Villa has been overheard gushing about how cool Arsenal are. Might Arsene be tempted to unlock his wallet for this one? Around £20 million would do it - that’s seven Adebayors in Wenger speak.