For all his good points as a manager, Sir Alex Ferguson is absolutely atrocious at celebrating. The man has won ten titles with Man United - TEN! And yet, the final whistle goes, and there he is, brainlessly flapping his arms like a gormless child pretending to be a birdie, totally unaware of what to do. All of a sudden Mister Scary Hairdryer isn’t so damn terrifying.
Well, help is at hand Sir Alex - below is music legend James Brown with a few handy tips on how to move your body should United put one over on Chelsea next week. Watch and learn. Grant can already do this stuff.
Wow, what a cup final it’s going to be - no Defoe, no Fowler, no recognisable goal scorers on either team. Get ready for a stonker, people! To calm you down, and get that heart rate back to around normal, here’s some very sobering news from the transfer underground…
Cristiano Ronaldo to Real Madrid (which we reported straight outta the Spanish press last week)
After spending most of the season casually toying with Premier League teams like a panther wafting around a gerbil with one of it’s shiny claws, Ronaldo is probably bored of the silly Premier League with its dim-witted defenders and smarmy goalkeepers. He may be wise, however, to read Chaucer’s Tale of Thierry Henry - it’s about a man who thought he had it all, but so didn’t.
The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: May have peaked for Man United already, don’t count against it.
Ricardo Carvalho to Real Madrid
While everyone stands back and applauds John Terry for being Mister Chelsea, it’s actually the gentleman next to him with a middle-aged hair-don’t doing all the work. As the people of Spain will find out next season.
The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Without Mourinho there to give him cuddles, what’s the point? Should be off.
Well the rain is back, for a moment there we almost forgot where we were. Seconds away from flowery necklaced women and silky hula music playing in the streets, probably. Just thank hecky we’ve still got football gossip and transfers to keep us all sweaty and uncomfortable.
Ronaldinho and Deco in exchange for Kaka
A couple of years ago, had anyone even thought about exchanging Ronaldinho for another player, teams of armed police would have been lining buildings within seconds, shouting through loud hailers to put the drugs down and step away from the vehicle. Sir, we said step AWAY! How times have changed. Now Barcelona can offer Ronaldinho and Deco for Kaka and no one even sniffs their breath for whiskey.
The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: The rumour is that Barca are offering the two players and around £16 million. AC are unlikely to bite.
Andriy Shevchenko to Fenerbahce
After wowing English fans with his brilliance, Shevchenko may yet astonish the people of Turkey by taking his travelling football circus to Fenerbahce. Prepare to be dazzled, Turklings!
The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Should AC Milan pass, Shevchenko needs to go somewhere. Not out of the question.
Chelsea gaffer the latest to jump on the Man Utd bias bandwagon
In a bid to introduce his own brand of Fergie-style mind games, Avram Grant has come out claiming ref Steve Bennett helped Manchester Utd win the Premier League title. It’s true that Scholes’ terrible tackle was overlooked and Rio’s handball went unseen at the JJB, but can The Toad honestly claim they were these conscious decisions on Bennett’s part? Are the men in black really in bed with United? Let us know what you think with votes and comments below, please.
While Steven Gerrard can be found whimpering on the streets of Liverpool, seriously disgruntled because his club won’t spend enough money on new friends for him, over in the AC quarter of Milan, rumour would suggest that money is swilling around like expensive sparkling wine in a Jermain Defoe bathtub.
Starting from the back, the Italian giants have been linked with Chelsea’s bemasked goal stopper Petr Cech - supposedly the planet’s most beguiling keeper. In front of him, they’re looking to poach France’s Willy Sagnol from Bayern Munich, as well as the Italian crowd pleaser Gianluca Zambrotta, who used to ply his wares so well at Juve before morphing into a less convincing wingback at Barcelona.
If you’re planning to go to Glasgow tonight, don’t, it would be a silly silly move. Should Rangers win, Celtic supporters go bonkers, should Rangers lose, everyone goes bonkers. And, of course, “bonkers” is street slang for face punchy and eye scratchy. You would be far wiser to read about today’s transfers and say nothing more about it…
Carlos Puyol to Man United
Fergie has long been an admirer of Puyol’s gorgeous long hair and robust playing style - the whisper is that he’s going to throw Gerard Pique in as bait.
The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: He’s Mr Barcelona, and the Ferdinand/Vidic axis of strength might be impossible to break. Unlikely.
Giovani dos Santos to Chelsea
This guy has been hailed as ‘the new Ronaldinho’, which presumably means he’s a great footballer, not a podgy nighclubber who could eat his breakfast through a fence.
West London club linked to every player under the sun
According to Marca (a daily pro-Madrid sports paper), or specifically a Mr Garcia Caridad director of Radio Marca, Chelsea have offered 50 million Euros (around £40m) for Fernando Torres.
Avram Grant has already shown interest in the Spanish striker, after asking Benayoun to introduce them. The powers that be at Liverpool, however, are reportedly not interested in listening to offers.
This isn’t the first time the striker has been linked with a departure. Last month, we reported on an article in The Times that claimed Liverpool would be obliged to offload Torres and Babel
The latest rumoured relief for the burning hole in Rom’s pocket
No one cares about money any more, everyone knows that. You could walk into Spurs HQ with £1 billion this afternoon and you wouldn’t even come out with an Aaron Lennon or Younes Kaboul (okay, you might) - football clubs want extras, they want deals. Hence, it’s all about the packaging.
Liverpool, for example, are unlikely to get Gareth Barry unless they throw in a Riise, or even a Crouch, and now it looks like Mr Moneybags over at Chelsea has twigged that it might take more than the smell of Sterling to attract the attention of the Spurs boardroom. He is instead relying on the perfumed allure of Shaun Wright-Phillips and Nicola Anelka to pry the tricky Bulgarian, Dimitar Berbatov, from the North London death grip.
Blackburn star David Bentley is convinced that his career in Lancashire is over. According to a Spoiler informant, the player believes he will be earning at crust at Chelsea next season. DB is so convinced of the transfer that he described it as a ‘done deal’.
