Apologies, Chelsea fans, but it never goes in

All the while, elsewhere on the so-called “internet”…

Can you guess which Man United player these people belong to?

[Kickette]

Say ahoy to Scotland’s finest cheerleaders

[Claymores]

Bet on Tevez to score in Russia

[chickendinner]

Lily Allen upsets F1 Boss

[Grid Crasher]

Chelsea fans touch down in Moscow

[Chelsea Pies]

Have a look at John Terry’s cheerful wife

Should you see a woman with delightfully blonde hair nervously gnawing her knuckles in Moscow on Wednesday night, ask yourself this question: is that, by any chance, Toni Poole - wife of John Terry? Chances are it probably is.

She’ll be nervous for numerous reasons, what with it being the Champions League final, and him going into the match with an unusually sore elbow. But more than anything, she’ll be yearning for a Chelsea win, so as not to spend their eight week summer beach holiday padding away his tears with a piece of kitchen roll, telling him that everything will be okay. She knows it won’t be, how could it be?

While his pop star wife nipped out to look sensual with her bandmates, Ashley Cole took it upon himself to launch headlong into yet another set of enormous social blunders.

Mistake Number One was going to Chinawhites on a Wednesday - that (along with Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, Friday and Monday) is the big “let’s get drunk and have sex” night at the exclusive wine bar. The wife would not be impressed, especially given the fact that her husband has a bad habit of fornicating with other women.

Anyone who stayed tuned after the game last night would have been witness to English madman Glenn Hoddle actually making sense for once. The big question spewing forth from his mouth was this - is the billionaire Roman Abramovich bothered about Chelsea any more?

After all, the Russian hasn’t been seen at a Chelsea match since the Carling Cup final - won, of course, by Spurs - meaning that he’s missed huge games against Man United, and the Champions League semi-final, arguably the biggest match in Chelsea history. No doubt he will be there in Moscow to enjoy the inevitable showering of grace from his countrymen, but how long will he stick around for after that?

Ahh, Saint George’s Day - the one day of the year when you can go into the office with your tatts out and blood on your knuckles and no one even bats an eyelid. Because if they do, that’s fighting talk, their eyelid is taking the mick, thinking it’s better than you. Stupid eyelid, coming over here in it’s boat, sneaking past customs, taking our women…

Makes you proud to be English.

The Saint George’s transfer talk reads a little something like this:

Steve Sidwell to Aston Villa
Aston Villa goes to bed every single night and dreams of becoming a Top Four/Five club - and word has it that to make such a transition you need to sell your best player to Liverpool, and bring in Chelsea’s… wait for it… STEEEEEEVE Siiiiiiidwelllllll - hang on, that can’t be right…

Samuel Eto’o to Tottenham
Eto’o said, verbatum: “If next year we continue the same without winning titles here, I will have to go to another place because what I want is to win.” Spurs bloggers heard: “I very much adore Juande Ramos and would love to come to Tottenham Hotspur to defend the Carling Cup.” Unlikely, surely?

People have been doing some serious big talking over the weekend - Jose to Inter, Frank to Inter, Didier to Inter. But, worry not, not everyone is off to Inter. Phil Neville, for example, will probably stay at Everton. And these guys all have one thing in common: they’ re all not going to Inter… yet.

Ashley Young to Chelsea
Time has come to accept that the Shaun Wright-Phillips experiment just isn’t working - he arrived small, quick and unable to pass properly, he will leave small, quick, and unable to pass properly. Only with a bit less confidence. So good work Chelsea. Next on their list of bright young talents to destroy is Aston Villa’s speedster Ashley Young. Don’t do it Ashley!

Steven Gerrard to Chelsea
With Frank Lampard set to resume his sensual love affair with Jose Mourinho, this time with a dreamy Italian backdrop, the Chelsea money may again be hurled into Steven Gerrard’s frowning face. With a couple of their top earners off the squad, Abramovich might even shatter payment records. Don’t do it, Stevie!

The signs of an impending foray back into the world of being alone - ie. without Ashley Cole - are many. A woman might start attending frenzied club nights with her maniac single friends (Sarah Harding?), she might decide to go holidaying more. Or, in the case of Cheryl Tweedy/Cole over the weekend, she might deem it totally appropriate to venture outside without putting on the bra suggested by her husband.

Dear Chelsea Chief Exec Peter Kenyon, saw you doing your bit for China by running with the Olympic torch the other day – thought you looked pretty cool protected by those scary Chinese guys ready to Jackie Chan the life out of any student with a problem. Anyway, how’s that plan to turn Chelsea into an international superbrand going? I’ve been asking the kids what Chelsea means to them and they’re telling me the players get right up in the coach’s face when they get substituted, which they all copy at school, of course, and they moan about money and “respect” a lot, which, to be honest,  the kids were already doing anyway. Not quite sure where all this leaves your brand-building – attitude’s not so easy to export nowadays, but let me know if you’ve got any centenaries or anything coming up. We’ve got a warehouse full of great “memorabilia”, much of it “signed”, and I love the way you guys know how to “monetise” your “fanbase”. It’s great! They’ll buy any old crap!

Headline Trends

» Chelsea have won all five league matches against Wigan.

» Wigan have won just one of seventeen away league games this season - 1-0 at Derby.

» Only Derby (16) have scored less league goals than Wigan (30).

Visit chickendinner for more on tonight’s big game

Just when you thought you couldn’t hate any more, along comes Ashley Cole brandishing the victim card, and a massive eruption of molten loathing goes off in your head.

Not content with humiliating his pretty wife by smearing his hamster-like hands all over numerous barmaids and glamour girls (including moderately popular Jakki Degg, pictured below), Cole has now decided that he should sue a load of tabloids for making him look bad.