While his pop star wife nipped out to look sensual with her bandmates, Ashley Cole took it upon himself to launch headlong into yet another set of enormous social blunders.

Mistake Number One was going to Chinawhites on a Wednesday - that (along with Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, Friday and Monday) is the big “let’s get drunk and have sex” night at the exclusive wine bar. The wife would not be impressed, especially given the fact that her husband has a bad habit of fornicating with other women.

Loathe him or hate him, there’s no ignoring that Ashley Cole is having a tremendous week. Last night his team finally made it past Liverpool in the Champions League semi finals, and earlier in the week, the discerning young lesbians who enjoy Gay-Parship.co.uk voted his lovely singing wife the sexiest WAG they’d most like to be lesbian with.

Steven Gerrard’s bottle blonde wife bulldozed into second place ahead of Victoria Beckham, who hasn’t had the same impact on the gay community as husband David. He came second in the men’s vote.

[Kickette]

People have spent thousands of years violently debating the existence of a God, and pretty much everyone has an opinion - The Spoiler’s is this: there might be a God, who wants to know?

One man certain of his own God-like status is Ashley Cole, a manchild who has spent years sitting back and observing the world revolving gently around him. A man who feels no need to question the presence of a higher force.

Chelsea love rat given the heave via the medium of jewellery

If you watched the recent ITV2 series The Passions of Girls Aloud, you will have seen scorned WAG Cheryl Cole training to street dance for an appearance in a new video for Black Eyed Peas goon Will.I.Am.

The resulting song (rather fittingly entitled ‘Heartbreaker’) was released today. As may be expected from the man who wrote ‘My Humps’, it’s rubbish, and Cheryl only actually dances for about three seconds. But fortunately, she looks ’super hawt’, and her necklace displays a message that will bring joy to the nation:

Nothing says “I love you” quite like a nice wedding day, in the same way that nothing says “seriously, I’m not joking, I really do ACTUALLY love you” like TWO wedding days. Just ask Premier League footballers Mr Wayne Rooney, and Ms Ashley Cole.

And a new hat!

Not only does the nation’s favourite scorned WAG have to put up with stroppy muppet Ashley Cole, but she is currently losing a WAG-off to someone called Erin Andrews. Don’t let her lose to a Veronica Corningstone knock-off, get voting here!

Ashley Cole splits the consensus (by around 90 per cent to 10) as to whether he’s the world’s biggest bastard, or blessed from on high.

His face when he was given a yellow card for attempted murder on an opponent’s leg told you all you need to know. He couldn’t believe it, in the same way that he couldn’t believe it when his pretty wife, Cheryl Cole, threw a massive strop, just because he’d dabbled with a bit of extra sex with some other girls. What is her problem?

Chelsea womaniser finds out what ‘STI’ stands for

Ashley Cole was training with Chelsea yesterday, and was repeatedly scratching himself with the ferocity of a flea-ridden Rottweiler. What on earth could he have been doing to cause irritation in that area?

The investigation continues…

Christ, what was everyone even worrying about?

A couple of weeks ago, everyone went mental because Ashley Cole had been caught steamrollering man-faced barmaids/hairdressers behind his wife’s back, but now look at Cheryl, she is feeling GREAT.

Pottering about on mystical Thai resorts, living it up in Los Angeles with her two best pals/bandmates.

Chelsea’s wayward full back used to prefer the most innocent of refreshments

A Spoiler reader reminds us that before Ashley Cole turned his dazzle on Cheryl, he went out with a lovely north London girl who was definitely not in a girl band. Back then, his drink of choice was milk - “lots of it, straight from the carton.” In less than a year at the world’s flashest club, reliable old cow juice has fallen from favour. In its place are depressing “vodka cocktails” and, later in the evening, mouthwash. So if anyone really wants to know what celebrity tastes like, now you can. Just mix Stoli and Listerine.