Ashley Cole splits the consensus (by around 90 per cent to 10) as to whether he’s the world’s biggest bastard, or blessed from on high.

His face when he was given a yellow card for attempted murder on an opponent’s leg told you all you need to know. He couldn’t believe it, in the same way that he couldn’t believe it when his pretty wife, Cheryl Cole, threw a massive strop, just because he’d dabbled with a bit of extra sex with some other girls. What is her problem?

Chelsea womaniser finds out what ‘STI’ stands for

Ashley Cole was training with Chelsea yesterday, and was repeatedly scratching himself with the ferocity of a flea-ridden Rottweiler. What on earth could he have been doing to cause irritation in that area?

The investigation continues…

Christ, what was everyone even worrying about?

A couple of weeks ago, everyone went mental because Ashley Cole had been caught steamrollering man-faced barmaids/hairdressers behind his wife’s back, but now look at Cheryl, she is feeling GREAT.

Pottering about on mystical Thai resorts, living it up in Los Angeles with her two best pals/bandmates.

Chelsea’s wayward full back used to prefer the most innocent of refreshments

A Spoiler reader reminds us that before Ashley Cole turned his dazzle on Cheryl, he went out with a lovely north London girl who was definitely not in a girl band. Back then, his drink of choice was milk - “lots of it, straight from the carton.” In less than a year at the world’s flashest club, reliable old cow juice has fallen from favour. In its place are depressing “vodka cocktails” and, later in the evening, mouthwash. So if anyone really wants to know what celebrity tastes like, now you can. Just mix Stoli and Listerine.

Sometimes life’s difficulties grow so intense that only the language of poetry can illuminate the path ahead

A love poem by Ashley Cole to his wife, Cheryl Cole

Cheryl
When I look inside myself
I just see
Shining brilliance
And when I look in the mirror
I just see
An amazing man
So what’s your problem?
The life of a professional footballer
Is not easy
We are always surrounded by
Hairdressers and other
Scrubbers
Desperate to go with the great
Ashley Cole
And considering the pressure I’m under
No wonder I need a drink from time to time
But at least I’m not like JT who would
Stick it in a
Bottle
And you’ve got to admit that it was a
Superb performance to keep at it
Even when I was puking up
I thought you’d be proud of me.
Ing-er-land!
I know you’ve got the right hump
So please come back soon
And don’t take your time about it
Or I’ll go with someone else
Perhaps that Sarah Harding
She likes a drink.

A brief history of the recently scorned pop star

Long before Danielle Lloyd hit the scene, another footballer-lovin’ beauty was known for her racist tirades. Cheryl Tweedy soon recovered from the media haranguing that followed an altercation with a black toilet attendant in 2003, and went on to lead and happy and fulfilled life as the wife of Ashley Cole… right up until this morning, that is, when she and the rest of the nation learned that Cahsley had alledgedly

Find out just what those pretty WAGs have been doing while their boyfs were out having a kickabout

While their hot boyfriends have been greasing up and playing footie, the WAGs haven’t just been sitting around painting their nails in different colours to suit their moods. They’ve been doing other stuff too.

Rooney’s long-term girlfriend Coleen McLoughlin has lifted the lid on what

Tweedy/Cole lets us know who her husband is

In an obvious reaction to the Spoiler dubbing her ‘Tweedy/Cole’, Cheryl has gone and had ‘Mrs Cole’ etched on her