Away from the pitch they’re just like you… only cooler

Thank Christ for the paparazzi. There, we said it. Because without these drooling heroes with their gigantic cameras and intrusive personalities, we would know nothing about the real lives of our footballers and their WAGs. Until this afternoon, we were convinced that Rio Ferdinand sent a fleet of slave children to Waitrose to fetch his groceries, that Deco stayed in playing Pro Evolution Soccer during the evenings, and that Cheryl Cole spent all her free time drinking glasses of milk with her husband. Wrong on all counts, it seems. Here’s what we’ve learned thanks to the paps:

1. Rio Ferdinand stocks up on pizza, salad, and Lucozade at Somerfield. Just like the rest of us.

2. When Deco isn’t teaching Lampsie, JT and Drog-Drog how to correctly fashion a stubbly beard, he can be found casually chatting up brunette women in the back of expensive cars.

3. And, most interestingly of all, when Cheryl Cole isn’t weeping to the sounds of mentally sick people singing on X Factor, she glances wistfully out of windows (above), or cowers next to pretty stone walls (below).

See all the proof you need after the jump…

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Just when you thought you couldn’t hate any more, along comes Ashley Cole brandishing the victim card, and a massive eruption of molten loathing goes off in your head.

Not content with humiliating his pretty wife by smearing his hamster-like hands all over numerous barmaids and glamour girls (including moderately popular Jakki Degg, pictured below), Cole has now decided that he should sue a load of tabloids for making him look bad.

Chelsea womaniser finds out what ‘STI’ stands for

Ashley Cole was training with Chelsea yesterday, and was repeatedly scratching himself with the ferocity of a flea-ridden Rottweiler. What on earth could he have been doing to cause irritation in that area?

The investigation continues…