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Just when you thought you couldn’t hate any more, along comes Ashley Cole brandishing the victim card, and a massive eruption of molten loathing goes off in your head.

Not content with humiliating his pretty wife by smearing his hamster-like hands all over numerous barmaids and glamour girls (including moderately popular Jakki Degg, pictured below), Cole has now decided that he should sue a load of tabloids for making him look bad.

Chelsea womaniser finds out what ‘STI’ stands for

Ashley Cole was training with Chelsea yesterday, and was repeatedly scratching himself with the ferocity of a flea-ridden Rottweiler. What on earth could he have been doing to cause irritation in that area?

The investigation continues…