Hello, we’re banging the drum of doom…

God, how depressing was Saturday? Never before has a 5-1 victory felt so damn flat. It was rubbish. And while absolutely no one in Europe accurately knows where Belarus is, it could turn out to be the worst place ever, according to our pals over at Chickendinner. It’s going to be a gloomy night for English football. Here’s why:

1. In their last competitive home game last November, Belarus triumphed 2-1 over a Holland side that had lost just one of their previous 24 tournament qualifying matches.

2. They have lost just two of their last twelve matches and have recorded impressive friendly results, including home draws against Turkey and Argentina, not to mention coming from behind to draw 2-2 away to Euro 2008 runners-up Germany.

Don’t get cocky, Man United fans

There were audible sighs all around the south of England on Tuesday night when Berbatov finally got off the mark for Man United, but don’t get carried away. Our bed partners over at Chickendinner have been buried in statistics all week, and have figured out that Ferguson’s gentlemen have no chance of winning against Big Time Charlie and his guys…

Six reasons why Manchester United won’t win

1. Manchester United have only been victorious on one of their last eight visits to Ewood Park.

2. The Red Devils have also one just one of their three away league games this season and two of their last seven in total.

3. Blackburn have only lost five of their last 25 Premier League home games and no club outside the top four lost fewer than Blackburn (four) last season.

Premier League, Mon, 8pm, Sky Sports 1, Free £30 bet here

If you were one of the lucky few to witness the Community Shield, you’ll probably be hesitant to park yourself in front of the TV for this one. There’s no promise of goals, but it’s always fun watching Fergie descend into an angry rage as his team struggle to take anything away from the fortress/dilapidated shed that is Fratton Park. Everything points to a disappointing Bank Holiday weekend for the reigning champions. Here’s why…

1. Manchester United have only won one of their last five league visits to Fratton Park, losing on three occasions and drawing once.

2. Ferguson’s men have failed to score in their last two meetings with Portsmouth, losing 1-0 in the FA Cup and playing out a 0-0 draw in the Community Shield.

3. United began last season with a home draw, before securing

Bet on that thing that starts tomorrow here

It’s a lot harder to predict who will be top after a month that it is to predict who will be celebrating come May. After all, last season Manchetsre Utd took just two points from their first three games but still claimed the title when all was said and done. So, the devilishly handsome folks at chickendinner have looked at all 20 teams, and by process of elimination determined who will end the month on top…

*Man United and Fulham are only playing twice in August, which means they’d be relying on everyone else losing one of their opening three to finish the month on top. We can write them off.

*Only one newly promoted team - Bolton in 2001-02 - have led the Premier League table at the end of August. Thank you for your interest West Brom, Stoke and Hull.

*Excluding Liverpool’s controversial Evans/Houllier partnership in 1998-99, the only newly appointed managers to

The Blues are currently 7/4 to win it - bet here

If his four goal haul against AC Milan is anything to go by, poor Nicolas Anelka has recovered admirably from the heartache of missing the decisive penalty in the Champions League final shootout. But with Shevchenko still not delivering, Drogba out injured and no sign of Samuel Eto’o or David Villa bursting through the gates of Stamford Bridge with arms wide open, it looks like Chelsea will start the season depending largely on their stroppy Frenchman. And that can never be a good thing.

Here’s why the stats boffins at chickendinner believe they won’t win the title:

» In only one of the last 22 seasons (2004-05, Jose Mourinho) has a team with a new manager won the league.

» Newcastle and Arsenal have both finished second in the Premier League in successive seasons, but neither managed to go one better and win the title in the following campaign. That spells bad news for Chelsea who have been runners up in the last two seasons.

» Only once in Premiership history has a side finished second three years running, (Arsenal, 1998 - 2001). The Gunners finished behind Manchester United in each of the three seasons.

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Fergie’s spritely young men are gearing up for another title assault, and unfortunately for everyone else, it looks like everyone’s favourite bronzed Portuguese chap will be helping them. The Red Devils secured three titles in a row from 1998/99-2000/01, and here’s why they could do the same thing once again…

Bet on the Premier League title race using the best odds available here

» On the previous occasion that United won successive Premier League titles (1998/99, 1999/00), they went on to secure the title for a third season.

» The last time Manchester United were crowned European Champions (1999), they topped the Premier League table the following season. United are reigning European champions.

» In Cristiano Ronaldo and Carlos Tevez,

Bored? Then start gambling, man…

People talk about dog years, or leap years, but time never drags quite like the months between football seasons. Grown men wander around shoe shops on Saturday afternoons, totally lost and alone. People aren’t sure whether they should be punching each other in the face or not during evenings out, so nights on the town are just one awkward stand off after another.

Thank the sweet baby Moses, then, for our great pals over at Chickendinner. They’ve decided to hell with all this waiting around stuff, and have kicked off the football betting season already. Click the links below for a world of informative fun.

The Sack Race

The Golden Boot

The Championship

And for those a little more unbearably hip, why not read about the Mercury Prize?

See? It’s not all bad…

People of North London, even in these frightening times where bendy buses rule the roads, and children are more likely to be found shopping in the kitchen part of B&Q than adults, you should all still find time to muster a smile. After all, with another Premier League season looming on the horizon like a massive football version of the sun, it looks like it could be Arsenal’s year. That’s half of you happy, then.

Our brothers and uncles over at Chickendinner have compiled eight reasons to be hopeful:

1. Arsenal’s points tally and goal difference last season (83, 43) would have been enough to win the title in six of the past thirteen seasons.

2. The last time Arsenal finished third in the Premier League was in 1996-97. The next year they won the double.

3. On all three occasions that Arsenal have won the Premier League, Man United had been the reigning champions.