NBA forward unnecessarily thrilled about receiving free garment

American netball fans are currently engrossed in the NBA Finals, where Kevin Garnett’s Boston Celtics are attempting to throw more balls into some small elevated hoops than the LA Lakers. As a reward for his outstanding defensive performances this season, Garnett was treated to a personalised shirt courtesy of Europe’s second most successful team.

Even though it’s a small gesture for a well paid sportsman, it’s great to see Garnett react with childlike excitement. It’s probably the same bounding enthusiasm that Jermain Defoe expresses when he bursts open the doors of Chinawhite to see a gaggle of scantily-clad Big Brother rejects. Bless.

[Thanks to the dreamboats at Pies for the find]

Chinawhite gets a visit from porn queen and drinking King

What better way to secure a place in the Champions League final than to party the night away with the world’s most famous porn star? That’s exactly what Salomon Kalou, Michael Essien and John Terry got up to last night, when they shared London hotspot Chinawhite with bongo legend Jenna Jameson. JT looked quite bleary eyed as he exited the club - the thought of his first Champions League final has obviously left him feeling a little over-emotional.

And who is the ‘drinking King’ referred to in the title, you ask? Well, that’s Ledley King of course - who is summoned to any social function by the faintest whiff

Premier League Playa of the Year dismisses relationship as a ‘fling’

Poor old Danielle Lloyd. Not only does she have to live her life in the pages of the Daily Star, but her most recent football lover has made her look like a chump in the same paper. Top “player” Jermain Defoe took up the pen to dismiss their relationship as a ‘fling’, despite the fact that not five minutes ago Miss Lloyd was gearing up to move in with him:

“As far as I’m concerned, I’ve been single since Charlotte [Meares].

“So the love rat thing is all a load of rubbish - and it’s doing my head in. Even when I left Tottenham for Portsmouth - and scored a goal on my debut - people weren’t interested in that.

“Everyone thinks I’m this big bad love rat - but I ain’t.

“I just wanna play football. I score goals and am doing stuff on the pitch, but all people want to chat about is my personal life.”

The Portsmouth striker/ Chinawhite resident also set the record straight on numerous scandals involving him and an endless string of ropey models. He claims there is nothing wrong with his behaviour, and he is simply a ‘good Catholic boy’. Who likes to go to nightclubs the night before training. Who likes to sleep with a different woman every night. And who is being driven to the edge of distraction trying to work out how people are finding out about his private life:

“I just don’t know how everything I do is getting found out,” he says, exasperated. I feel you, Jermain.

He can’t even kick a ball, but Calum Best is a Premier League WAG charmer

According to Monica Harris, The Spoiler’s all-important insider lurking in the glamourous world of exclusive clubs/bars like Movida and ‘whites, the gravy train that young models all yearn to board departs the minute you snog a footballer, or, at the very least, Calum Best.

Only last night, a young will-be WAG had the pleasure, and by the looks of things, Calum is a real chip off the old proverbial. See how he incorporates his revolting slimy tongue into a simple everyday greeting? That’s called French Kissing. Footballers are known to love a frenchie.

Welcome to WAG-town, woman (pictured). Population, you.

Back off Defoe, this lass doesn’t go for footballers

There’s nothing quite like mortally offending a Playboy model to get your day going, as I discovered when cruising the MySpace page of Monica Harris. Last week she filed a blog entry entitled ‘My statement to dick head journalist Ryan Bailey‘. I know what you’re thinking and you’re right - an attractive girl who takes her clothes off for a living knows my name, baby! And to think the teachers at school said I’d never amount to anything…

The vitriolic statement came in response to me labelling her a ‘WAG wannabe’ in this article. Turns she doesn’t enjoy the WAG lifestyle, and she doesn’t believe Jermain Defoe holds a clean bill of sexual health:

I’m not being funny but I’d rather poke my eyes out with a blunt object than go near a footballer who, lets face it, probably has every STD under the sun.

Jermain Defoe has had enough of her abhorrent personality

It seems that Jermain Defoe scored a double victory on Tuesday – not only did his side beat their fiercest rivals, but earlier in the day he managed to get Danielle Lloyd to move out of his house.

The Big Brother racist was given her

Carling Cup finalists celebrate with ex-WAGs and a little too much drink

Last night Chelsea managed to join Spurs in the Carling Cup semi-final, and players from both teams joined forces with a celebratory night out at London’s Chinawhite. Pictured above is Jermain Defoe, who has no problem with wearing a baseball cap in a nightclub, or sharing a cab with a lady who looks like she charges by the hour.

Jermain’s WAG Danielle Lloyd was noticeably

Racist WAG makes troops glad they are in a warzone

Morale in the Armed Forces is at an all-time low – troops are sick of fighting a war that no one wants, and they miss good ol’ Blighty.

The government needed a way of persuading the troops that they wouldn’t be better off at home, and a think tank devised a cunning way of reminding them it’s not all rosey in the Land of Hope and Glory. They shortlisted three people to send out to Iraq: a traffic warden, Ian Huntley and Danielle Lloyd*. ‘Full of Hate’ won the vote by a country mile, and was ‘secretly‘ shipped out to the warzone (so ‘secretly’ that the world’s press were reliably informed of her charitable deed) on Sunday.

The on/off Jermaine Defoe botherer, however, won’t be entertaining the troops (ie singing, dancing, showing some sort of talent), but will instead be ‘giving gifts’ to the squaddies.

Before jetting off, she said: “‘This is an amazing opportunity and I feel really privileged to be going to Iraq.”

The owner of Chinawhite may or may not have remarked: “Business has decreased 400 per cent in the past two days, we’re devastated.”

Jermaine Defoe didn’t add: “Thank f*ck she’s gone.”

*Dramatic recreation. Events may not have actually occured.

How much more can one man take?

Florent Malouda has started to repair the damage he caused to Chelsea’s flash Harry reputation last week by allowing himself to be transported in a taxi when he could have hired a private jet. Instead of getting himself down to Chinawhite to pour bottles of Cristal on the floor, however, M. Malouda has opted for the other popular Chelsea method of rehabilitation: complaining like a spoilt baby.

M. Malouda, who is bravely coping with a sore knee at present, still found an extra ounce of courage to go on record with his thoughts on the indignities professional footballers are forced to suffer. The humiliations he has to endure are as follows:

English football: “brainless”

Players’ diets in England (presumably at the club which is paying him a king’s ransom): “awful”

Training: “terrifying”

His teammates: primitive. “People play by instinct, how they did when they first discovered football.”

An out-of control drinking culture: “You can have whatever you like, Coke or anything”.

And ominously: “I have been warned about the Christmas periods in English football. They sound terrible.”

As most English people can confirm, sitting in front of the television with a sore knee over Christmas while one’s bank account swells by 50 grand a week is a hardship few can endure for long. Get well soon, Florence.