… record low numbers, that is

In a vain attempt to sell what they are describing as their “Stylish New Change Kit” (a semi-decipherable Geordie idiom meaning “Abhorrent New Away Kit”), Newcastle have taken the unusual step of offering a twenty per cent discount for fans who order The Championship’s hottest garment before Sunday. Because nothing shows confidence in a new product quite like reducing its price immediately.

There was unanticipated demand for the new shirt since it went on sale yesterday, but as the Northern Echo report, it wasn’t the good kind of unanticipated demand:

JUST three people queued to buy Newcastle United’s much - ridiculed new strip as it went on sale yesterday.

[..]
Yesterday’s scene was in stark contrast to when rivals Sunderland launched their away kit earlier this month.

Thousands of fans queued to get their hands on a shirt, while big name players signed autographs and chatted to fans.

The first person bursting through the club shop doors to get his hands on it was 18-year-old Stephen Watson. Far from happy with being named as the first buyer, his thoroughly ashamed reaction is similar to that of a person queuing to snap up some fur coats, 40+ pornography and incontinence pants:

“I don’t even like the shirt but I’m a Newcastle fan so I am still happy to buy it.

“Now I’ve actually got my hands on it thought I think I might wear a jumper on top of it.”

Stephen Watson’s sense of self esteem will hopefully improve if more people will show up at St James’ park today, where “Toon heroes” will be signing the new shirts.

[Northern Echo via Dirty Tackle]

The new Macau club shop caters for fanatical dogs

Also available: the official Nemanja Vidic eye wash station and the Jonny Evans radon detector.

[The Offside]

Flame-haired midfielder was cut a slim slice of the profit cake

Following his transfer to Chelsea in July 2007, Steve Sidwell insisted he was not at the club to ‘make up the numbers’. Despite this, he only ended up playing fifteen times for the Blues, and was shipped off to the Midlands a few weeks ago.

Sidwell’s lack of first team football, however, may not have been the only motivation for his departure from West London. According to a friend of The Spoiler, each Chelsea player is given a quarterly cheque to remunerate them for image rights of merchandise sold in the club shop (each time an item is sold featuring a particular player’s name, said player receives a small amount of the profit). Most players’ cheques ran into the thousands, provoking much jubilation as the envelopes were opened. Sidwell, however, was less bothered about punching the air - one of his was for the princely sum of £16.80.