Mr Chelsea is a “cockney cry baby”, says Oasis star

Noel receives at rapturous welcome at Maine Road in 1996. If Sheikh Mansour is reading, Maine Road is the ground Man City used to play at.

Never one to keep his opinions to himself, Noel Gallagher has told Football365 why his beloved Manchester City should cease their pursuit of England’s brave captain:

“I don’t like John Terry and I never have. He’s got funny eyes and he’s a cry baby.

“He’s also a Cockney and he’d absolutely be coming just for the money.”

As much as The Spoiler appreciates Gallagher’s rapier wit, having “funny eyes” isn’t a great reason not to bring in a world class player, and they already have a cockney staff member in the form of Shaun Wright-Phillips. Perhaps the Oasis guitarist just wants to keep JT’s mum as far away a spossible from the executive boxes at Eastlands - one can never be too careful safeguarding one’s possessions.

Spoiler bonus: Some classic acoustic Noely G after the jump…

Sixteen confused players shipped off to language school

As Paul Whitehouse eloquently demonstrated, it can be difficult to communicate in a dressing room where the majority of players don’t speak English as a first language. Accordingly, sixteen of Portsmouth’s 28-man squad will be sent back to school to learn how to speak proper like:

The crash courses concentrate on how to speak ‘Football English’, learning basic expressions of the game.

Polyglot Solutions, a language school based in Southsea, Hants, has been working with Pompey to ensure players can communicate with each other amid the pressure of a match.

Multi-lingual entrepreneur Dr Jay Kettle-Williams is in charge of the project, which aims to bring players from zero knowledge to a good grasp of football English in just eleven hours.

It will also concentrate on helping Nadir Belhadj and co understand Harry’s cockney vernacular: when he screams “push up into the apples and pairs” [opponent’s half] or “play the striker apples and pears” [offside], they should know exactly what he is talking about.

When the players are all speaking fluent ‘Arry, incidents like the one in the video above should be avoided.

[Daily Mail]