Natalie Rooney wants the world to see her boobs once again

Remember the girl who flashed her breasts to the press at Coleen McLoughlin’s 21st birthday party? It is still unclear which finishing school she attended, but her name is Natalie Rooney, she is Wayne’s cousin and she’s now planning to launch a career in glamour modelling.

The subtle eighteen year old, who has been banned from the Rooney wedding because Coleen ‘thinks she is a chav’, has made the shrewd decision to divert attention away from her mouth by increasing her bust size to a 34F. Yet no amount of surgical enhancement could stop her dropping the following nuggets of wisdom

This woman allows Wayne Rooney into her bed

Only a true cynic would say that Coleen doesn’t dance for her dinner. Okay Wayne brings home the majority of the bacon, but don’t forget, this lady is multi-talented.

Want proof? Well, she’s great at working out, she proved that with some exercise DVD or some such - Coleen McLoughlin’s Brand New Body Workout. She is a top journalist, writing for Closer magazine, and she once wrote a moving book about her own thoughts. Anyone who got to the end of that without weeping genuine tears of emotion literally doesn’t have a soul.

The problem with women is that no one ever knows what they’re really up to. You return home from work with steaks wrapped in newspaper, and she tells you she’s had one hell of a day, what with this happening and that happening, and the hoover going berserk when the vicar was around. It feels like a web of lies, but she’s so damn pretty you daren’t say anything.

So, while Rooney was wasting his time in midfield last night, on a hiding to nowhere, was Coleen really toiling away, trying to get the house straight? Something tells us she was on a lilo in America, just floating around willy-nilly, probably on her mobile. Call it a hunch.

Nothing says “I love you” quite like a nice wedding day, in the same way that nothing says “seriously, I’m not joking, I really do ACTUALLY love you” like TWO wedding days. Just ask Premier League footballers Mr Wayne Rooney, and Ms Ashley Cole.

Some might argue that every day is a birthday going out with Wayne Rooney. But not Coleen, the proud receiver of his hairy kisses. TODAY is her real birthday, and just so Wayne doesn’t forget, she has left a few subtle clues around the house.

Can you spot any of them?

The Croxteth Massive are heading to France

This coming June, the English were supposed to be building up false expectations and placing an unbearable amount of pressure on the national side in the European Championships. Yet thanks to a few on-pitch slip-ups and the unbridling power of apathy, the most excitement we will be getting is hearing about the champagne-fuelled brawling at Wayne Rooney’s nuptials.

The big day will take place in the South of France and will cost Wayne and Coleen £3m. Worried that this expense might delay the construction of another wing on their grotesque mansion? You shouldn’t be - they’ve already sold the picture rights

How to become a WAG: Lesson Two - Knickers

Forget what you’ve seen in the movies, not all women wear good pants. In fact, slap yourself in the face and come back to Earth - hardly any of them do. There is one special set which looks fantastic, but that’s kept in a platinum safe, and she’ll be damned if they’re worthy of you. Unless, of course, she’s a sexy young WAG. These girls really know their knickers.

Company coughs up obscene amount to watch Wayne eat cake

For those of you who rarely risk venturing beyond the back pages of your preferred newspaper, you may have missed this week’s jaw-dropping news that “a media organisation” has offered Wayne Rooney and his fragrant fiancee Coleen a lottery-sized cheque to take snaps of their wedding day.

Wayne and his beloved have set the price of recording the moment at which they become joined for all eternity in the eyes of God, plus shots of their celebrity friends eating sausage rolls, dancing to Phil Collins and looking the worse for drink, at the astronomical figure of £2.5 million.

As is fashionable in such society betrothals, some of the fee is “ploughed back” into making the occasion as flashy as is humanly possible, so for that kind of money, expect the bride to arrive on an artificial Nile of milk, while the groom’s open-topped solid-titanium love chariot will be pulled by bears and gorillas which will then be slaughtered for the banquet. Martial arts experts will be laid on for those who like to end the feasting with a good scrap.

The ceremony is expected to take place in June, right around the time when England will not be appearing in the European Championships. In case you were wondering, you have not been invited.

While you were face down in a plate of sprouts, top stars were out making news…

While you were snoozing in the enormous armchair, your trousers damn near breaking thanks to nine helpings of stuffing, the world was still busy entertaining the wants of sportsmen and their wives. Here’s what we know about the last couple of weeks:

Crouch’s gorgeous girlfriend Abigail Clancy does her

Find out just what those pretty WAGs have been doing while their boyfs were out having a kickabout

While their hot boyfriends have been greasing up and playing footie, the WAGs haven’t just been sitting around painting their nails in different colours to suit their moods. They’ve been doing other stuff too.

Rooney’s long-term girlfriend Coleen McLoughlin has lifted the lid on what