O Fenômeno’s weight-related epiphany is three years overdue…

Since returning to Brazil after pies and feeble knee cartilage called time on a 14-year European career, Original Ronaldo has been enjoying his football. He’s racked up 19 goals in 25 games for Corinthians so far, bagging a league title and Brazil Cup in the process.

All this success has made him hungry (not an unfamiliar feeling) for glory on the world stage … if he could just get rid of his gut.

In an interview with Brazilian TV channel Globo, the tubby genius relayed plans for world domination next summer:

“Right now, today, I would not even call myself up [for the national team] … I am going to make a huge effort, maybe the biggest effort of my entire career. I am going to do everything I can to be there [in South Africa for WC2010] … I think it will largely depend on the first semester of 2010.

It is Corinthians’ centenary year and we are going to take part in the Brazilian championship and the Libertadores Cup… I am going to admit it, I am fat. Television adds 3 kilos. Here I have five cameras pointing at me. So that’s 3 kilos per camera!”

We’ll assume the ‘huge effort’ will be however much exertion is required to pick up a phone and book a liposuction appointment.

Troubled Corinthians striker has something in common with Sol Campbell besides excess weight

(Fat) Ronaldo’s return to Brazil has been blighted by injury, lipsocution surgery and his coronation as ‘King of the Transvestites‘, and the tubby striker’s fortunes appear to have taken yet another unfortunate turn.

Reports from Rio say that the Corinthians star has been ordered by a court to take a DNA paternity test, after a Brazilian living in Singapore claimed he is the father of her four-year-old child.

Michele Umrazu, 27, had been under the impression that her American ex-fiance was the daddy, but

Corinthians striker hawks shaving gear, improves bank balance

After donning a figure-hugging Godzilla outfit in order to promote a South American soft drink, (Fat) Ronaldo is now a spokesperson for a Brazilian razor manufacturer. The Bozzano model boasts five blades, which is the bare minimum required to get around a face as gigantic as his.

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Striker receives unwelcome reception from the club he betrayed

He has won two World Cups, has been top scorer in leagues all over the world and has been voted FIFA World Player of the Year three times, but (Fat) Ronaldo’s legacy will forever be tainted by his love for transsexual prostitutes.

The Corinthians striker wasn’t even playing in Sunday’s clash with Flamengo (he is recovering from his wrist injury and liposuction surgery), but home fans at the legendary Maracanã stadium devoted a large part of their collective energy to belittling the tubby Brazilian. In addition to a fetching pink banner that read “Ronaldo King of the Transvestites”, Flamengo fans sang chants that labelled him “fat” and “queer”.

The Mengão faithful were particularly aggrieved with Ronaldo, who said it would be his “dream” to move

Rotund Brazilian striker loses weight the cheaters’ way

(Fat) Ronaldo was in hospital this week after breaking his left wrist in a 3-0 defeat to Corinthians on Sunday. Knowing that he is likely to be out of action for anything up to five weeks while his bone heals, the tubby Corinthians striker also used the opportunity to get liposuction.

Spanish paper AS say that Ronaldo had planned to have the procedure in December, at the end of the Brazilian season, but instead had it done at the São Luiz hospital this week. Surgeons were originally planning to remove 1.6 litres of fat from his abdominal area, but in the end successfully sucked out 700ml. The operation lasted less than an hour.

The World Cup winner has been training heavily since joining the Campeonato Brasileiro Série A side, but as a man over 30, has encountered difficulty shedding the localised fat on his belly.

Apparently, none of the management team at Corinthians were aware of his intentions to shift his weight the artificial way.

He is expected back in action on September 5th, and hopefully he will no longer have the turning circle of a cargo ship.

Brazilian set to become slimmer version of Marlon Brando

When he dressed up as Godzilla for an Brazilian soft drink advert, (Fat) Ronaldo may have lost a sizable chunk of his dignity, but he developed a taste for life in front of a camera.

Spanish paper AS are reporting that the tubby World Cup winner will make his movie debut* in an Iranian film, after signing a ‘preliminary contract’ with its producers.

The main character is a Palestinian girl who lives in a refugee camp in Southern Lebanon. The young football fan - known as ‘Ronaldo’ - dies after losing a leg to an anti-personnel mine.

The as-yet-untitled film will begin filming in Lebanon in September. Conveniently, Ronaldo’s Corinthians are set to play a friendly against Flamengo in the region on September 15th, giving the striker the perfect opportunity to hone his acting chops.

*Before the pedants windmill in, we know Ronaldo already made his film debut in the utterly unremarkable Goal! 2: Living the Dream. However, we’re pretty sure this went straight to DVD, so it doesn’t count. 

A further helping of transfer gossip, rumours and damned lies

Carlos Tevez to Manchester City
Goal claim to have heard from an unnamed source that Tevez has chosen Man City over Chelsea and that the deal will be finalised next Monday, which is when Cristiano Ronaldo is scheduled to be officially unveiled at Real Madrid.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: Confirming the capture of Tevez on the same day that Ronaldo is presented at the Bernabeu would be City’s way of firing out a warning to their neighbours that the tide is turning.

Luis Fabiano to AC Milan
Emmanuel Adebayor is no longer even a secondary target for AC Milan, who have chosen to chase Confederations Cup top-scorer Luis Fabiano after being

Rotund Brazilian mocks defender without touching the ball

We can’t think of many Premiership defences that would let a ball remain stationary on the edge of their penalty area for over six seconds, but this is impressive stuff all the same.

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