We celebrate the best reason to stay in on Saturday afternoon

“The only bad thing about going to support your team on Saturday is that you miss Jeff Stelling,” says one loyal member of the latter day Church of Soccer Saturday. In tribute to the man who once suggested fans would be “dancing in the streets of Total Network Solutions tonight,” we have lovingly compiled his best moments.

And no, none of them are from Countdown…

1. The J man dances with a singing James Brown toy as a player with the same name scores for his beloved Hartlepool. An encore ensues minutes later when he scores again. This is the same Hartlepool FC who have a monkey as a mascot. A monkey who also happens to be the Mayor of Hartlepool. Life is wonderful.

2. Jeff’s legendary rant rant explaining why Middlesbrough - which had been voted the Worst Place to Live in England - is in fact a very nice area. His tirade gets broken up by an ad break but he continues when the programme resumes only stopping when a goal is scored. We are used to his encyclopaedic football knowledge, but knowing the exact date of birth and birth address of the late Brian Clough is impressive, if not a tad peculiar.

Who saw this one coming?

Ever since Des Lynam slid into obscurity, only occasionally peeking above the bedsheets to host Countdown, the nation has been wondering whether Lineker will ever have the right quota of syrupy smoothness to truly replace him on MOTD. Yes, he has the oily legs, and the silver-fox hairstyle, but is he sexy enough? Judging by last night, watching a saluting Des and his busty woman sashaying up the red carpet for the Pride of Britain awards, the answer is “nope”. Not yet.

As for Gary’s lover, Danielle Bux, she would be wise to look at Lynam’s missus for tips on how to look terrifically sassy at an awards ceremony. Yes, people, that is a woman of a certain age sporting something a little bit see-through. Fantastic!