Rich Liverpool striker complains about his charmed life

Andriy Voronin has taken time out of his busy schedule of buying hideous clothing to let rip about his miserable life in the north of England. The Ukrainian told a Russian newspaper:

“Compared with Germany, England is far behind in terms of comfort and culture”

According to Voronin, Germany is also a wonderful land without crime, where people leave their gingerbread houses unlocked when they go and play at the Gumdrop Lake in the Happy Forest. Not like nasty smelly horrible England:

“Five out of the seven houses near us are occupied by footballers. Steve Gerrard was burgled recently so a police patrol car comes into our compound fairly often.

“We hear police sirens all the time. Leverkusen, by contrast, was so much quieter.”

Hellbent on getting booed at his next home appearance, Andriy went on to criticise the Scouse accent:

“[Learning]English isn’t the main problem. The main thing is to learn to understand the local players

Local criminal settles training ground argument with a chair

From the website 100% Injury Rate, a story of two Italian players who no longer like each other much. Instead of settling their differences properly, though, such as in a car park or by drinking alone deep into the night, the young men involved seem to have confused real life with the way arguments are settled in Italian-themed movies. And not Il Postino.

Davide Marchini and Pasquale Foggia, who