Who’s next?

‘The Away Days Gang’ - the infamous group(s) of armed raiders who ‘earn’ their coin targeting north-west based footballers playing away matches - have been caught slipping lately, apparently having forgotten Phil Jagielka hasn’t kicked a ball in six months.

However, their ingenious ruse is still winning fans amongst the robbing community in the south-east. According to Essex police, career crims have been lining up to pilfer from Essex’s finest, with a spate of identical ‘away days’ burglaries breaking out. Hide the Baby Bentleys!

The Liverpool FC crime spree continues

Just a few weeks after young Brazilian Lucas Leiva had his home ransacked, Jermaine Pennant became the ninth Liverpool player to suffer at the hands of thieves in the past two years.

Ram-raiders, apparently hell-bent on relieving the winger of some of his flash cars, smashed a stolen Land Rover into the gates of his £3m Cheshire mansion in the middle of the night.

The thieves got away without a single purloined automobile, but the incident clearly shocked Pennant so much that he ended up posing for photos still wearing his jammies.

Pennant’s Page Three girl fiancée Amii Grove (who once caught him at it with another lady on CCTV cameras in their home) has commended

Rich Liverpool striker complains about his charmed life

Andriy Voronin has taken time out of his busy schedule of buying hideous clothing to let rip about his miserable life in the north of England. The Ukrainian told a Russian newspaper:

“Compared with Germany, England is far behind in terms of comfort and culture”

According to Voronin, Germany is also a wonderful land without crime, where people leave their gingerbread houses unlocked when they go and play at the Gumdrop Lake in the Happy Forest. Not like nasty smelly horrible England:

“Five out of the seven houses near us are occupied by footballers. Steve Gerrard was burgled recently so a police patrol car comes into our compound fairly often.

“We hear police sirens all the time. Leverkusen, by contrast, was so much quieter.”

Hellbent on getting booed at his next home appearance, Andriy went on to criticise the Scouse accent:

“[Learning]English isn’t the main problem. The main thing is to learn to understand the local players

Local criminal settles training ground argument with a chair

From the website 100% Injury Rate, a story of two Italian players who no longer like each other much. Instead of settling their differences properly, though, such as in a car park or by drinking alone deep into the night, the young men involved seem to have confused real life with the way arguments are settled in Italian-themed movies. And not Il Postino.

Davide Marchini and Pasquale Foggia, who