Celebrate the birth of baby Jesus with a pooing CR9 statue…

Christmas in the Catalan region of Spain is a joyous occasion. People spend days painstakingly recreating replicas of the nativity scene, which are proudly displayed in the run up to Christmas Day.

But when friends and family gather round to look at the handiwork, no-one is particularly bothered about the nativity bit — they’re all looking for a discreetly-placed gnome (or Caganer, “pooper”), like the one above, taking a sly shit somewhere.

CR9 was a regular Forrest Gump…

Cristiano Ronaldo claims he was advised to quit football for his other childhood obsession, ping pong. In his upcoming autobiography, Momentos (we’re sure you can’t wait), the Portuguese man-o-sex reveals he could have just as easily been winking across a table instead of a football pitch:

After football, ping pong is my favorite sport. I love to watch professional games and I like to play. I started playing as a boy in my neighborhood and at school. When I moved to the school of Sporting [CP], I kept playing ping pong.

The Spoiler hopes this isn’t a direct quote from the book, because it reads like a four-year-old’s back-to-school recount of what they did over summer. Anyway:

Celebrate Friday with an avalanche of inadvertent man love…

Cheers to Simon Bagel and eRe. The rest after the jump…

So cheap and tacky, he put his name on it…

There’s still a fair chance Cristiano Ronaldo will have a lot of free time on his hands next summer, while the rest of his Real Madrid team mates jet off to South Africa for a post-season kick about. However, fans of winking and arrogance will be happy to hear CR9 could be lining up a contingency plan to make sure his face will remain plastered all over our TV screens come June.

According to US entertainment site TMZ (who broke the news of Michael Jackson’s death), horror-faced entrepreneur Joe “he’s worth more dead than alive” Jackson has told them he is set to meet the Portuguese man-o-sex early next month, to start filming TV, magazine and internet adverts for his latest venture - the laughably rubbish ‘Goalie Grill’ barbecue set.

Man Utd’s squad, on the other hand, get a gold star…

Over the years it’s become apparent footballers have a hard time travelling in cars without crashing, vomiting, or embarrassing themselves. But what about other methods of transport? Sunday’s feature in The Times on cabin crew secrets revealed flying habits of some of the Premier League’s finest:

“We often get football teams flying to European games, and it’s always interesting to see how they behave. Without doubt the rudest was Spurs. They were going to Prague a couple of years ago, and they were all very impolite. None of them said thank you for anything. One player in particular, a striker, sat with his headphones on and refused to take them off, and none of them would lift their window blinds for takeoff and landing.

Real Madrid star should probably stick to the day job

Clearly in need of a little bit of extra cash, Cristiano Ronaldo has agreed to sing in an advert for Banco Espírito Santo, a Portuguese bank.

Is it just us, or is it reassuring to know that there are some things C-Ron isn’t good at?

Some more factually accurate news from the Spanish press

Last Tuesday, an anonymous Spanish sorcerer claimed that he had been hired to place a curse on Cristiano Ronaldo, which would cause him to suffer an injury. Sh*t got real the following day, when the Real Madrid superstar picked up an injury that made him miss the match with Seville, which turned out to be Los Blancos first loss of the season.

Keen to give this highly credible story more publicity, Sport today have extracted more details from the media-savvy professional sorcerer, who is said to be a 57-year-old based in Malaga named Pepe (presumably, he is no relation to C-Ron’s crazy teammate of the same name).

The witchcraft expert has revealed that he was hired by a woman who was “deceived” by the Portuguese man-o’-sex. Given his penchant for ladies of ill repute, this piece of information doesn’t exactly round things down, but Pepe also describes his client as “very famous, rich and not European”. Therefore, the Spanish press infer that the prime suspect is Paris Hilton, who has publicly admitted that Ronaldo was “too gay” for her.

Also appearing on a computer near you…

We can’t help but think a Premier League player would have made a bigger deal of being kicked in the head
[Dirty Tackle]

Cristiano Ronaldo is set to help Portugal struggle to qualify for the World Cup this weekend
[Goal.com]

Everton’s Jose Baxter arrested on suspicion of dealing cannabis
[Off The Post]

Abbey Clancy and Cheryl Cole rock the red carpet
[Kickette]

Tomas Rosicky could be injured for someone else next season
[Caught Offside]

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Yet more rumours that Cesc Fabregas’ days in north London are coming to an end
[Daily Mail]