Wow, what a cup final it’s going to be - no Defoe, no Fowler, no recognisable goal scorers on either team. Get ready for a stonker, people! To calm you down, and get that heart rate back to around normal, here’s some very sobering news from the transfer underground…
Cristiano Ronaldo to Real Madrid (which we reported straight outta the Spanish press last week)
After spending most of the season casually toying with Premier League teams like a panther wafting around a gerbil with one of it’s shiny claws, Ronaldo is probably bored of the silly Premier League with its dim-witted defenders and smarmy goalkeepers. He may be wise, however, to read Chaucer’s Tale of Thierry Henry - it’s about a man who thought he had it all, but so didn’t.
The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: May have peaked for Man United already, don’t count against it.
Ricardo Carvalho to Real Madrid
While everyone stands back and applauds John Terry for being Mister Chelsea, it’s actually the gentleman next to him with a middle-aged hair-don’t doing all the work. As the people of Spain will find out next season.
The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Without Mourinho there to give him cuddles, what’s the point? Should be off.
A few months ago, the papers claimed that C-Ron’s mummy would love nothing more than to see her little soldier playing in a Real Madrid shirt:
“I don’t like English teams but I know I have to like them because he [Ronaldo] is at Manchester. But for me… Real Madrid. Of all the foreign clubs, Real Madrid is the best. Before I die I would like him [Ronaldo] to play for Real Madrid. I would really like that and then I could die, it wouldn’t matter.”
Now, the tricky winger has hinted that his mother’s anti-English wish could be granted, as he will consider his future after the Champions League final. But do you think he will go? Votes and comments below, please.
Football fan exposes C-Ron conspiracy, his own social ineptness
No one doubts that Cristiano Ronaldo is the best player of the season, but that hasn’t stopped a certain YouTuber from trying to discredit him. User ‘Unknowngenius3′ has analysed a recent Sky Sports trailer and discovered that the over-hyped commentary was actually taken from games that C-Ron wasn’t involved in. Unknowngenius3 also discovered that he has way too much spare time and has never had a girlfriend.
The big news today is that it is officially the most meltiest hot day ever known to mankind - or, at least, it feels that way. And in other smoldering news, Ronaldo will be lining up for Real Madrid next year…
Cristiano Ronaldo to Real Madrid
The loud clamour coming from sunny Spain is that Cristiano Ronaldo has already met with Real Madrid’s Director of Football and agreed to play for the La Liga winners next season. It would, of course, be the biggest scoop of the summer, probably breaking big transfer records. You heard it here first (or second if you read the Spanish press, clever cloggs).
Thierry Henry to Absolutely Anywhere
Anyone who saw the aftershow chit-chat following last night’s Real Madrid/ Barcelona drubbing already knows that at Barca they have an enormous list of players who they don’t want any more (according to the terrifying satanic voice of Henk ten Cate). One of those is Thierry Henry. He will be off.
Dimitar Berbatov to Manchester City
Manchester City are ready to offer £32 million for Berbatov, and will be hoping to tempt him with their long winters, non-Champions League football, and eccentric owner who has a reassuringly itchy trigger finger. Good luck, guys.
That’s right, when she’s not obeying Cristiano Ronaldo’s every revolting whim, Nereida Gallardo has been known to enter a bikini contest or two. See how she stomps about quite fiercely in front of a judging panel? That’s underwear pageant modeling at its very best.
Life is funny. Remember the days before mobile phones? Those were weird, people just shouted at each other from window to window. And before everyone was instructed to buy iPods, men would actually carry their record players to work, and lug big bags of vinyl around on mules. Great days in some ways. But also sad days, because no one had ever even heard of Nereida Gallardo. Now the world can’t get enough of her.
She, is, of course, the buxom young brunette who has somehow tamed Cristiano Ronaldo’s astonishingly hormonal loins. Now he belongs to her, and she returns the compliment by wearing big silly earrings with “R7″ emblazoned on them to prove it. Below are some nice pictures.
For those who didn’t know, Cristiano Ronaldo (full name Cristiano Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro) was named after the evil American politician/actor Ronald Reagan, which, as people to be named after goes, is only a few back from calling your child Adolf, Judas or Jack the Ripper.
All of that aside, Ronaldo’s had a great couple of days - voted footballer of the year, wore a leather jacket - so to celebrate, we thought we’d have a dreamy look back on some of the more beautiful women he’s had sex with since he moved to Manchester. For probably legal/financial reasons, we haven’t included the many prostitutes.
Merche Romero
Merche (possibly pronounced “mirsh”) played the part of a Mrs Robinson character in Ronaldo’s life, being practically an old biddy at 31-years-old. A TV presenter in Portugal, when word got out that she’d been snogging Ronaldo, scores of angry young fans started threatening to kill her. They soon split up.
Three of the Big Four dominate professional footballers’ fantasy team
Unsurprisingly, Cristiano Ronaldo scooped the PFA Player of the Year award last night, even though he did not personally collect the accolade - Alex Ferguson decided attending the dinner, talking to the press and the obligatory prostitute-based celebrations would have had the 23 year old staying up way past his bedtime.
Despite sporting another ridiculous hair sculpture, C-Ron also made the PFA-nominated team of the season, whose only non-Big Four players are David James and Ashley Young. But where are the Chelsea players? Could it be that the rest of the league hates them? Surely not…
PFA Team of the Season
David James (Portsmouth)
Bacary Sagna (Arsenal)
Rio Ferdinand (Man Utd)
Nemanja Vidic (Man Utd)
Gael Clichy (Arsenal)
Steven Gerrard (Liverpool)
Cesc Fabregas (Arsenal)
Cristiano Ronaldo (Man Utd)
Ashley Young (Aston Villa)
Emmanuel Adebayor (Arsenal)
Fernando Torres (Liverpool)
Which world class star will dominate proceedings at the Nou Camp?
It’s no secret that Cristiano Ronaldo is a big deal at the moment, but tonight he will face fellow World Player of the Year contender Lionel Messi. The Argentinean may have scored less than half the goals of his Portuguese counterpart this season, but he has the potential to steal tonight’s game tonight and give the Spanish crowd a much-needed confidence boost. If Barcelona are wise, they will try to keep C-Ron off the ball for as long as possible, which could give Messi a chance to show that ugly wingers can dominate Champions League games too.
