So cheap and tacky, he put his name on it…

There’s still a fair chance Cristiano Ronaldo will have a lot of free time on his hands next summer, while the rest of his Real Madrid team mates jet off to South Africa for a post-season kick about. However, fans of winking and arrogance will be happy to hear CR9 could be lining up a contingency plan to make sure his face will remain plastered all over our TV screens come June.

According to US entertainment site TMZ (who broke the news of Michael Jackson’s death), horror-faced entrepreneur Joe “he’s worth more dead than alive” Jackson has told them he is set to meet the Portuguese man-o-sex early next month, to start filming TV, magazine and internet adverts for his latest venture - the laughably rubbish ‘Goalie Grill’ barbecue set.

Man Utd’s squad, on the other hand, get a gold star…

Over the years it’s become apparent footballers have a hard time travelling in cars without crashing, vomiting, or embarrassing themselves. But what about other methods of transport? Sunday’s feature in The Times on cabin crew secrets revealed flying habits of some of the Premier League’s finest:

“We often get football teams flying to European games, and it’s always interesting to see how they behave. Without doubt the rudest was Spurs. They were going to Prague a couple of years ago, and they were all very impolite. None of them said thank you for anything. One player in particular, a striker, sat with his headphones on and refused to take them off, and none of them would lift their window blinds for takeoff and landing.

Real Madrid star should probably stick to the day job

Clearly in need of a little bit of extra cash, Cristiano Ronaldo has agreed to sing in an advert for Banco Espírito Santo, a Portuguese bank.

Is it just us, or is it reassuring to know that there are some things C-Ron isn’t good at?

Some more factually accurate news from the Spanish press

Last Tuesday, an anonymous Spanish sorcerer claimed that he had been hired to place a curse on Cristiano Ronaldo, which would cause him to suffer an injury. Sh*t got real the following day, when the Real Madrid superstar picked up an injury that made him miss the match with Seville, which turned out to be Los Blancos first loss of the season.

Keen to give this highly credible story more publicity, Sport today have extracted more details from the media-savvy professional sorcerer, who is said to be a 57-year-old based in Malaga named Pepe (presumably, he is no relation to C-Ron’s crazy teammate of the same name).

The witchcraft expert has revealed that he was hired by a woman who was “deceived” by the Portuguese man-o’-sex. Given his penchant for ladies of ill repute, this piece of information doesn’t exactly round things down, but Pepe also describes his client as “very famous, rich and not European”. Therefore, the Spanish press infer that the prime suspect is Paris Hilton, who has publicly admitted that Ronaldo was “too gay” for her.

Also appearing on a computer near you…

We can’t help but think a Premier League player would have made a bigger deal of being kicked in the head
[Dirty Tackle]

Cristiano Ronaldo is set to help Portugal struggle to qualify for the World Cup this weekend
[Goal.com]

Everton’s Jose Baxter arrested on suspicion of dealing cannabis
[Off The Post]

Abbey Clancy and Cheryl Cole rock the red carpet
[Kickette]

Tomas Rosicky could be injured for someone else next season
[Caught Offside]

Follow us on Twitter
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Yet more rumours that Cesc Fabregas’ days in north London are coming to an end
[Daily Mail]

Real lose one game without C-Ron, go into complete meltdown

If there’s one thing the Spanish football press love more than those crazy upside down question marks, then it’s pouncing on an opportunity to shed doubt over the internal goings on Real Madrid. Today, there are plenty of stories to suggest that all is not well at the Bernabeu.

Up until last weekend, Los Blancos had enjoyed a 100 per cent record in La Liga, but this was brought to an abrupt end by Seville. AS tell us how Cristiano Ronaldo “suffered” while watching the game on TV, and Marca have taken the Portuguese star’s absence as an opportunity to run a hasty poll. According to their statistics, a whopping 58 per cent of Madridistas believe they have “Ronaldodependencia”, or rather an over-dependence on the Portuguese Man-o’-sex. A slightly rash conclusion, considering the season is six games old and cursed Ronny has missed only one of them.

Meanwhile, Sport has revealed (unsubstantiated) details of a post-Seville handbags session between Karim Benzema and Manuel Pellegrini. Apparently, the notoriously outspoken Frenchman has already grown tired of being replaced in big games, and has expressed his disapproval of sharing attacking duties with 412-year-old legend Raul, as

Sorcerer is currently making anti-CRon spell in his ‘laboratory’

The ever-mental Spanish sports papers have excelled themselves once more, with news reaching us from El Mundo that Real Madrid is under siege by an anonymous voodoo priest.

A letter has been received by the club from a man who claims to have cast a spell that would leave the Portugese man-o’-sex crocked in a freak accident, after being contracted to do so by a mysterious frenemy (Sir Alex? Ruud? Nereida Gallardo?):

I’m not antimadridista. I have nothing against this great club. I am a professional and someone has paid very well for me using my powers. I have been hired to make Cristiano Ronaldo suffer a serious injury.

Real Madrid star still looks out for previous employer

Despite creating the impression that he couldn’t wait to get away from smelly rainy Manchester, Cristiano Ronaldo has admitted that he stilllooks out for the results of his old team now he is based in equally-smelly-but-less-rainy Madrid. The Mirror quotes:

“Every time I can I try to watch United’s games on television.

“I still like to know what’s happening at Old Trafford. And despite now being at Real, I’m always happy when I know when United have won.”

C-Ron also took the opportunity to wax lyrical about Nani, who he believes is destined to become one of the “best players in the world”:

“I’ve also seen that Nani is playing much more than he was last season when I was there. That’s good for him and he will benefit from that.