Some more factually accurate news from the Spanish press

Last Tuesday, an anonymous Spanish sorcerer claimed that he had been hired to place a curse on Cristiano Ronaldo, which would cause him to suffer an injury. Sh*t got real the following day, when the Real Madrid superstar picked up an injury that made him miss the match with Seville, which turned out to be Los Blancos first loss of the season.

Keen to give this highly credible story more publicity, Sport today have extracted more details from the media-savvy professional sorcerer, who is said to be a 57-year-old based in Malaga named Pepe (presumably, he is no relation to C-Ron’s crazy teammate of the same name).

The witchcraft expert has revealed that he was hired by a woman who was “deceived” by the Portuguese man-o’-sex. Given his penchant for ladies of ill repute, this piece of information doesn’t exactly round things down, but Pepe also describes his client as “very famous, rich and not European”. Therefore, the Spanish press infer that the prime suspect is Paris Hilton, who has publicly admitted that Ronaldo was “too gay” for her.

Cristiano appears to have suffered at the hands of the dark arts

September 29th, 2009: An anonymous sorcerer claims to have placed an injury curse on Cristiano Ronaldo, at the behest of a mystery enemy.

September 30th, 2009: Marseille’s Souleymane Diawara is dismissed for a foul on Cristiano Ronaldo, who subsequently limps off. The Spanish press say the Portuguese star was rushed to hospital yesterday with an “ankle traumatism and Grade-1 ligament sprain”. He is likely to miss Sunday’s clash with Sevilla.

Undeterred by national culinary stereotypes, Bayern Munich cast a pork-based curse on Barcelona

In the minds of Bayern Munich fans, the Nou Camp is not a lucky venue: the famous Catalan stadium hosted the 1999 Champions league final that saw the Germans dramatically piss away the title to Manchester Utd.

Their fortunes at the hallowed stadium, however, are about to change.

Taking inspiration from the cheeky Boston Red Sox fans who buried one of their jerseys under the new Yankee Stadium, Bild have hidden a ‘Glücks-Weisswurst’ (’Lucky White Sausage’) beneath one of the corner

Striker has terrible record against Los Blancos

Liverpool will rely upon the firing power of their delicate-hamstringed Spaniard when they visit the Bernebeu tonight, but the Spanish press has been making a huge deal over his “Real Madrid curse”.

Despite playing in nine Madrid derbies, Nando has never played in a side that has defeated Real Madrid. He has suffered five defeats and four draws against Los Blancos, and his only goal at the Bernebeu came during a friendly in 2002.

To make matters worse, Madrid’s scary-looking defender Pepe has made no secret of his desire to knock the Liverpool striker about a bit:

“We are both strong but I have a big advantage in that he’s got to play with the ball and I don’t. The bigger, stronger and better my opponent the more I like the clash.

“Football’s a contact sport and strikers often give defenders like me a right good kicking off the ball and nobody says anything because we centre-halves are tough. But as long as I go for the ball and not the man, then there’s nothing better than using all the time I’ve spent in the gym to crash into bodies.”

Help us figure out if anyone can rival the Welshman’s curse

After Gareth Bale’s winless streak as a Premier League footballer extended to a landmark twentieth game against Wigan yesterday, The Spoiler started to ponder if there are any other current top-flight players still left wondering what victory tastes like.

So far we’ve come up with Bale’s Mexican teammate Giovani dos Santos, who has experienced one draw and five defeats from his first six Premier League appearances. To show there’s no anti-Tottenham bias going on we can also add Arsenal’s Jay Simpson to the list after his top-flight debut on loan at West Brom ended in a 2-1 defeat to Aston Villa.

Another player who comes close but isn’t quite bad enough to make the grade is Chelsea’s Franco di Santo who has won one, drawn one and lost two of his four league appearances. If you can find anyone who is yet to win in the Premier League then let us know their record with a comment below.

Gunners Alumni continue to face misfortune

Whether Arsene Wenger has developed a knack for selling players at exactly the right moment, or there is some genuine witchcraft going on, it seems that Arsenal players who move on to ‘better their careers’ don’t seem to be able to live up to expectations.

When making his home debut for Barcelona at the weekend, delicate little flower Alex Hleb was forced off the pitch with an ankle injury that will keep him out of action for three or four weeks.

Also facing misfortune during Barcelona’s 1-1 draw with racing Santander at the weekend was Thierry Henry, who was left out of the squad following a disappointing display in a 1-0 defeat to La Liga newbies Numancia two weeks ago.

Continuing the trend of stars who have failed to live up to the form and success they experienced in a red and white shirt is Mathieu Flamini, who has thus far failed to set Serie A alight with Milan, who are maintaining a 100 per cent league loss record so far. Also, when the Frenchman’s former colleagues travel to the Ukraine to begin the Champions League campaign proper,

Is there a higher force at work?

Hoddle was right, some people are cursed. Perhaps not in the same repulsively narrow minded and disturbing fashion he attempted to smudge on the nation’s brains, but somewhere in the same spooky ballpark. After all, look at Petr Cech - he obviously spent a former life making scathing remarks to a princess, or waging war on harmless little butterflies. Because, as things stand, his life just got rubbish.