Toon would have spent £645,000 on Sunday’s abject performance

Championship football beckons for Newcastle United next season, but if Alan Shearer chooses to stay on (whatever happened to Joe Kinnear?), he could find himself lumbered with even more headaches off the pitch.

The Daily Mail have published their ideas on how much the Newcastle squad take home every week and it makes for some toe-curling reading (Xisco is on 50 grand a week…Xisco.)

The latest transfer gossip, rumours and damned lies

Joey Barton to Blackburn
Following his suspension, Newcastle are said to be “gathering evidence” against the violent moronic thug, suggesting his contract may be terminated. The Independent claim Sam Allardyce - who originally brought Barton to Newcastle - could give him his 4,056th second chance at Blackburn.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: We are stunned that anyone wants to employ such a waste of blood and organs, but Blackburn did bring in the Premiership’s second most vile player, El-Hadji Diouf.

Aly Cissokho to Tottenham
The talented 21-year-old Porto left-back is under contract until 2012, but

Despite Dave Whelan’s undying love for Fergie, Wigan are capable of an upset

Tuesday’s Daily Mail ran with some intriguing facts and myths about the brain - not the big issues, such as why their readers have such difficulty with the concept of people from Africa and Eastern Europe or the residents of council estates - but “fun” facts, such as “Exercise helps keep your brain fit.” Were this true, Premier League footballers would be amongst the nation’s most mentally agile, yet any post-match interview culled at random from the thousands performed each season would demonstrate that this is patently not so. However, as the season reaches its dramatic climax - one chair, two arses, music stops Sunday - mental toughness has become the key theme of pre-game chatter. Chelsea have “the momentum”, whereas United have to go and play in a potato field at Wigan. John Terry says Chelsea have “a steely determination”, whereas the Guardian believes Alex Ferguson will be “frowning”. The fact that at this late stage Chelsea are still pressed up against United like a sex-pest commuter must be driving the reds mad with irritation.

Using this logic and a shed load of statistics, the boys at chickendinner believe Chelsea will crush Bolton, and take the league title too. Disagree? Then back United here, smart arse.

The statistics

* Manchester United haven’t won any of their last four away games in all competitions.* They have failed to win their final away game

Broadcaster’s wife ruins perfectly good TV broadcast

Zhang Bin is feeling pretty ashamed of himself right now. As presented the relaunch of China’s main sports channel, CCTV5, he was confronted on stage by his angry wife, a fellow sports anchor.

In case you Chinese is a little rusty, she is accusing Zhang