Today’s transfer rumours, some more ridiculous than others

Despite possessing a questionable state of mental health, a low quality tabloid has linked the man who drunkenly gave me a tenner on my tenth birthday (true story) with a managerial job in the Philippines. Frankly, there’s a better chance of Jermain Defoe declaring a vow of abstinence, but the rest of today’s rumours have a little more substance…

Paul Gascoigne to the Phillippines
The seldom-reliable Daily Star claim that The Phillippines want to ‘rescue’ Gazza by making him the manager of their national team. There must be logic in that idea somewhere but we’re not going to bother guessing what it is.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Ludicrous idea if true

David Bentley to Everton
Bentley’s bold transfer request might not have panned out as he intended it to. It’s not Liverpool and Chelsea throwing pound notes at him to seduce him, it’s Aston Villa and Everton.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: We still expect Chelsea to make a move

Ronaldinho to LA Galaxy
Forget about Barcelona, forget about Chelsea, hell, even forget about Manchester City. Despite only being 28, Ronaldinho

Marcus Bent’s WAG still photogenic

Don’t bother wasting any more time pointing your camera at the Grand Canyon, your first born child or the devastating effects of war, as this morning’s Daily Star declared Gemma Atkinson’s latest shoot to be ‘The best pics you’ll EVER see in your life!’

More Gemma after the jump.

It’s all betrayal and fake tans in the world of Waggery

When beset by heartache, it is often best to confide in someone. In reaction to her separation with three-timing serial WAG boffer Jermain Defoe, Danielle Lloyd has done exactly that, by sharing her pain with the readers of The Daily Star:

‘It was my decision to finish it and I am happy to be single again. After the story broke, I just couldn’t trust him. I empathise with Cheryl. It is horrible when you are in love with someone and you find out they have betrayed you.’

By rutting other ladies without a care in the world, Defoe hardly gave you much choice in finishing the relationship, Dani. And yes it is horrible to be betrayed by your lover - just ask Charlotte Meares, the WAG he betrayed to go out with you!

Hatred is coming to the coastal city

In a move which will have devastating financial consequences for swanky London clubs and the paparazzi, Danielle Lloyd is about to move to Portsmouth to be with her untrustworthy love rat fiancé Jermian Defoe.

A source from The Daily Danielle Lloyd, I mean the Daily Star, said:

“Moving to Portsmouth is a big step for Dani, as her work, friends and life are in London.

Her fickleness and misunderstanding of how to buy a car pays dividends

The good people at The Daily Star have a stringent policy of putting a half naked picture of Danielle Lloyd on their cover at least four times a week. Her residency on the front page continues today, accompanied by a story of her exploits in the world of automotive sales.

According to the ropey paper, Mrs Jermain Defoe recently bought a £67k Audi R8

Racist WAG compares her relationship to that of a happily married couple

Just last week, I gleefully reported that Danielle Lloyd had moved out of Jermain Defoe’s Hertfordshire mansion (designed by her ex-friend Charlotte Mears, who had the foresight to install six ovens in the kitchen). Now, it appears the dream is over, as the fountain of hatred has re-gained her WAG colours by patching things up with the Spurs striker.

Peter Crouch’s WAG isn’t a fan of Blood Brothers

If he were dead, playwright Willy Russell would be spinning in his grave following Abbey Clancy’s performance on the opening night of Blood Brothers at Liverpool’s Empire Theatre.

According to a Daily Star reader, Peter Crouch’s lady turned up at the theatre and proceeded to

Racist model celebrates her hometown by contributing nothing to it

There’s plenty of reason for Liverpool to crowned the European Capital of Culture 2008 – for one, it’s the most successful footballing city in the UK. Between them, Liverpool and Everton have won