Hello handsome…

Time was when only murderers, racists and kids with chewing gum in their hair went for the “number one” all over, but now - thanks to people like Dominic Littlewood and the Dalai Lama - it’s totally fine to have it all zipped off. In fact, it’s so commonplace that when Rooney turned up to training this morning, only half of the squad started trembling, and Fabio Capello resisted the urge to run away shrieking, and just got on with it.

Rachel Cut, Mr Hairdresser? No, The Spoiler will have a Rooney Cut from now on, thanks.