Adidas, in conjunction with France, under the supervision of FIFA? We’re through the looking glass here, people…

The fallout from that night in Paris continues.While some have accepted it as one of football’s great injustices (and the ensuing drama/debate as part of the reason we all love sport so much), others have chosen to self-medicate in the warm, comforting arms of conspiracy theory.

Damien Duff is part of the latter camp. Talking to reporters from a shadowy car-park alcove, the Fulham winger revealed the World Cup 2010 playoffs have been orchestrated by a higher power, made up of German sportswear giant Adidas, the French Football Federation and Michel Platini:

Do I think it’s a conspiracy? Definitely. FIFA want the big teams in the World Cup, they want France in the World Cup, and it may sound silly but they want teams sponsored by adidas. Adidas sponsor the World Cup, they sponsor France. Michel Platini has a lot of influence as well.

Maybe we’d have had a better chance of going to the World Cup if it was sponsored by Umbro.

Hilariously, The Sun point out, in his rage Duff seems to have forgotten, as well as his weekly pay packet from Fulham, he gets paid a £100,000 a year to wear football boots made by … Adidas.

Winger recalls the trauma of relegation, takes swipe at Newcastle 

As The Spoiler watched Newacstle’s Premier League swansong in a busy Las Vegas casino sports book, a distraught Geordie shouted “Let’s torch the place!” just as the final whistle blew. The immediate appearance of dozens of security staff changed the supporter’s mind, but the point was clear: those involved with the Toon Army didn’t take relegation well. Today, it has been revealed that Damien Duff had an equally hyperbolic reaction when Captain Shearer failed to avoid the huge iceberg ahead of the SS Newcastle:

“I was feeling suicidal about the way we went down at Newcastle and wasn’t even thinking that far ahead.”

One would imagine it would take months, maybe years, for someone to come to terms with an event so tragic that it prompted thoughts of suicide, but Damien Duff is a trooper. Not only has he successfully moved back to the Premier League with Fulham, but he has even found the strength of spirit to deliver a backhanded swipe at his beloved former employers:

“It’s really exciting, from where I have come from, to come to a well-run football club and a team where everyone enjoys their job.”

Calls us pedantic, but when Duff said “suicidal about the way we went down at Newcastle”, did he actually mean “mildly peeved that I would have to move house”?

Also appearing on a computer near you…

This gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘going through a door’

‘Arry is imposing a nightclub ban - how long before Jermain Defoe hands in a transfer request?
[The Mirror]

Football drama, week one
[Interestment]

Either Barcelona are not getting the message about Fabregas, or the papers are running thin on transfer news
[Daily Mail]

Liverpool have joined the race for Steven Taylor
[Goal.com]

Are the Americans bleeding Liverpool dry?
[Caught Offside]

Joleon Lescott is the new Dimitar Berbatov
[The Offside]

Fulham secure Damien Duff’s signature
[Sky Sports]

Spoiler promotion: For all your football betting needs, visit bwin

The men who have shouldered the blame this season

On matchday, Premier League football fans need three things to sustain their interest in the beautiful game: an overpriced ticket for a flimsy plastic seat, a weak pint (to be consumed away from the playing surface, Mr Ashley) and a good scapegoat on which to blame the entire team’s shortcomings.

Here’s the top ten players and managers who have been made to bear the brunt of their club’s collective sins in 2008/09 thus far…

Nicklas Bendtner (Arsenal)
The Spoiler’s Arsenal correspondent claims that Bendtner has overtaken Emmanuel Eboue in the Emirates scapegoat stakes, being vilified to such an extent on Saturday that Emmanuel Adebayor received a hero’s reception when he was brought off the bench to offer some firepower.

Jermaine Jenas (Tottenham)
Heurelho Gomes has put in a sturdy challenge in recent weeks but he still has a fair way to go before toppling Jenas, who has been the main subject of clenched fists and growling at White Hart Lane for a few years now.

Florent Malouda (Chelsea)
Apparently being the midfielder who has provided the most assists in the Premier League this season isn’t enough to save you from abuse when you occasionally misplace a pass or have the audacity to have a shot saved.

Luis Boa Morte (West Ham)
Holds the dubious honour of being one of the only players in the world

Mental keeper gets a speeding fine

During Euro 2008, Pepe Reina proved to us that he cannot conduct himself appropriately on a plane, and yesterday he was charged for being unable to keep his Porsche 911 under the speed limit. For tearing his £70k motor down a suburban Liverpool street in December, the handsomely remunerated star was charged a whopping £250. The judge said:

“Although you are a man of significant means I see no reason why the penalty should be disproportionate.”

Pepe employed Nick Freeman, nicknamed Mr Loophole for allowing celebrities to get away with misdemeanours. Perhaps he should have used Damien Duff’s postal scam instead.

If Wenger doesn’t need new defenders, then what does he need?

While Tottenham have got to work early and spent big on Luka Modric and Giovani dos Santos, Arsenal are still on the starting blocks, with the first sign of any transfer activity at the Emirates being quickly shot down by Arsene Wenger:

“I have been interested in Vincent Kompany ever since he was 16, but I am not interested in him this year. There is nobody I need for my team’s defensive department.”

Which of course prompts the question: what’s the point of tracking someone for six years if you have no intention to signing them? By acting much like a flirtatious girl who makes you believe she’s the one but who will quickly break your heart, perhaps Arsene is telling us he simply enjoys the thrill of the chase.

Anyway, Arsenal’s reticence to invest has spurred The Spoiler to consider where each London club needs to improve next season.

So we did a think and then gone wrote it down:

Chelsea

Top priority:
Flair players - Big Phil hasn’t just been brought to Chelsea to win trophies, he’s expected to bring some Brazilian flair to the job and make the Blues exciting to watch as well as being scarily efficient.

Fitting the bill: Ronaldinho, Kaka, Franck Ribery

Arsenal

Top priority:
Depth in midfield - Diarra then Flamini have gone, Hleb’s inconsistent, Rosicky’s injured, Gilberto’s past his best and Fabregas got tired last year so it’s clear that Arsenal need to bolster their midfield, and potentially bring in a new keeper.

Fitting the bill: Gareth Barry, Samir Nasri, Hatem Ben Arfa, Bastian Schweinsteiger

West Ham

Top priority:
New medical team/left-winger - Take away the dozen injuries West Ham had for most of last season and they’ve got perhaps the biggest squad in the league.

The left wing is a problem though: the fans turned on Boa Morte and he wants out while Etherington is always injured.

Fitting the bill: Stephen Hunt, Damien Duff, Pablo Aimar

Tottenham

Top priority:
New goalkeeper and striker

All today’s transfers in a scroll down listy thing

Think about it: Italian men always seem to be wearing hair product, they probably look at us and wonder why we don’t bother. Well, riddle over, Italian friends - you obviously haven’t heard of something called rain. It’s a watery substance that Ricardo Carvalho can give a talk on next season when he’s at Inter. Perhaps by way of introduction? Oh, and speaking of transfers…

Ricardo Carvalho to Inter Milan
Like an obedient young robot, wherever Mourinho goes, Carvalho is programmed to follow. Luckily for him, that means paying a visit to the food capital of pizza and chips - Italy.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Who could say no to Jose?

Shaun Wright-Phillips to Portsmouth
Portsmouth are willing to fork out £10 million on Shaun Wright-Phillips, whose only skill is to run fast. Harry, you could get Dwain Chambers for a bag of drugs and a quid.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Likely

Just blame the post

Damien Duff’s girlfriend shouldn’t hold her breath waiting for a Valentines Card next week - it seems that the Irishman can’t get anything through the postal system.

Back in October, the Newcastle star was asked to contact police after he was caught doing 102mph on the A1. The information never arrived with the fuzz, but Duff managed to get away scot-free because he provided proof of postage.

The CPS have just dropped another motoring charge against Duff, because